....on Riding the Wave

My life is like a wave.  Sometimes the wave is higher than others.  Sometimes the wave comes crashing down on me.

I met someone at the AA convention during the weekend.   We got chatting about this wave concept.

I told him that I was at a very low low.  I almost felt like I was going through a major depression.  I wanted to drink.  I envisioned me drinking.   I had visions of me drinking and being happy....relaxing and numbing.  I told him that I didn't know how to get my serenity back.  I lost it for some reason and it seemed so far out of reach.

He told me that life is like a wave.....  sometimes the wave is smooth and we can ride it peacefully and calmly.  Sometimes that wave is high and we are high on life and feel like we can conquer the world.  Sometimes that wave comes crashing down on us and life happens.   He reminded me that this is life.  How do I forget this?  How do I get so wrapped up in stuff that I forget that life is just chaotic sometimes?  I forget to accept.  I forget to take time for me.  I forget to set boundaries.  I forget to breath.  He told me that eventually that wave will be smooth again....we just have to wait until it comes....  That smooth, calm wave always comes back.....

The truth is... I sometimes feel like I can't handle that big wave that crashes down on me.  I don't know how to calm the chaos in everyday life sometimes.  I get so caught up in the wave that it feels like I'm drowning in it and can't get out.

I have to remind myself that the wave will pass.   It use to drive me nuts to hear "This too shall pass" but it is such a big truth in my life today.  I know that the chaos of life passes us....and the more I come to realize this, the quicker I will have the ability to stay in control of it when it comes.

I have to take a step back when the big wave comes again.  It will come.  Chaos happens.  Kids fight.  Life is busy.  Alcohol is cunning.  Life happens.  Sometimes we just have to step out of that wave for a few minutes to allow ourselves to breathe through it.

I'm riding a new wave.  It's a nice one.

Jen
Day 294

Where is my Pink Cloud...Part 2

As I sat in on an open speaker meeting at the conference during the weekend, one gentleman mentioned this and it hit home for me....

"The pink cloud disappears when life happens"

Life happens whether we like it or not, whether we are ready or not, whether we want it or not.  When we learn that we can't control most of the shit that happens to us on a daily basis, we can learn acceptance.  It's so easy to forget this.  It's so easy to throw in the towel and say "Fuck it...I'm done".

But what are we saying "I'm done" for?  Am I really done living?  Am I done fighting for peace and happiness?  Am I done being sober and free? Am I really done accepting?  Why is it so easy to just throw in the towel and say "I'm done, I'm gonna drink my face off"?

It's easy.

It's just easy.

It's easy to pick up a drink and say I'm done.  It's easy to "tune out" of life for a while.   It's easy to numb the pain and the feelings and the chaos....  Lets' just drink for a few hours and forget about life.  Easy...Isn't it.

But, life is still going to happen the next day..... and the next....  and the next.....

I almost threw in the towel.  I wanted to just forget about life for one day....or two....or a week.....  Now, you and I both know that I would have forgotten about life a lot longer than that!

I've been searching for my pink cloud for a couple of weeks.  It's not around me anymore.  Life is.  I'm living it and facing it as hard as it is.  I will get on that cloud again.  I know it's there.... a few miles away, but it's coming back.

I'm learning to feel again.  I'm learning to deal with my emotions, my anger, my fears, my resentments.  I'm learning to live the life that I have.  I'm grateful for my life, but sometimes it's just so damn hard to face it.   I'm doing it sober.

Today, I'm going to accept my life and all that comes my way.  ...because it is happening to me for a reason.  I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Where is my Pink Cloud? ...Part 1

I've been struggling.  And when I mean struggling, I mean I am suffering and trying to find my way back from this tunnel I find myself in on a daily basis.

I fell off the pink cloud about two weeks ago and I can't seem to be able to find it again.   I feel like I've lost all the peace and serenity and calmness and freedom I fought for.

Last weekend, I came this close to drinking a nice cold Ceasar! (Can you picture my index finger touching my thumb?  That's how close!).

I want to drink.  I want to escape, even for just a few hours.  I can't seem to find any other way to do it. ... to escape.

Why am I toying with this drinking thing.  Part of me just doesn't think that I can do this for the rest of my life.  Part of me wonders how the hell I'm gonna survive when everyone is drinking around me and having a friggen blast!  I want to escape...even if it's just for a few hours.

I haven't put my recovery on the front lines lately.  I see this as being a huge problem.  I know it.  I'm skipping meetings.  I'm not blogging.  I'm not praying.  I'm not meditating.  I'm not reading.  I haven't really worked the steps.  I know, deep in my heart, that I need to do these things to get my serenity back, but chaotic life is taking over, and I can't seem to be able to slow it down.

I finally went to a meeting on Wednesday, after being away for nearly two weeks.  It felt so good.  You know.... they keep saying, if you want what we have, you have to work the steps and program.  I know it ....  and I want what they have.

I planned on getting drunk this weekend.  It's Thanksgiving here in Canada.  I was giving myself two options really.  Option 1:  Stay home and drink by myself and nobody would ever know.  My kids would be at their father's house, so I could stay home, hide and drink my face off....catch up on yard work for the winter.  Option 2:  I could go visit my parents and get smashed with them....cause that's what we do there.  Great options for me, eh!!  This was my plan this week.  I would have so much fun! I'd finally have some release of stress and chaoticness!

A friend from the program called me at the exact same time that I was making these plans in my head.  She told me about a Thanksgiving AA convention....tried to get me to go.  At first, I said naw.... I was just gonna hang around the house.  Had so much to do.  I told her I'd think about it.

You see.... part of me really didn't want to go.  I didn't want to stay sober anymore.  I didn't want to suffer with this obsession of wanting a drink.  I just wanted to drink.   I was afraid though.  Something stopped me from picking up last weekend, and something is stopping me now too.  I wanted to drink but I really didn't want to ruin all the hard work I had already did to get sober.  I also didn't want to NOT make it to a year of sobriety.  My sobriety counter is so important to me and I just  don't want to begin at Day 1 again!  I really don't!   And, what are the chances, that this girl called me from out of the blue to tell me about this convention?  Was this an act of God, my Higher Power?  Was He looking out for me and putting these big kick ass signs right in front of my face?  

The next day, my friend texted me that she bought my dinner and dance ticket and she wasn't giving me a choice.   I booked my room and decided to go to the convention.

I miss my sober blogging buddies.  I need you in my life.  I need to blog.  It's like a journal to me....helps me release.   I hope to hear from you again.  I plan on blogging a lot in the next three months....to get me to a year of sobriety.  I'm going to work my ass off to get there!

...on Sober Living!

Hi everyone!

I'm sober!  263 DAYS IN!!!!   Yahoo....  

I'm just checking in to let you all know that I've been living soberly strong!

I am truly blessed.  I've made it through the summer without and ounce of alcohol to get in the way.  I've made it to Vegas for 5 days without the booze.  I've survived stress and I am learning to live one day at a time.... without alcohol.  My Higher Power, my God has truly removed the burden and obsession of wanting alcohol from my life.

I continue to go to AA meetings at least 2-3 times per week and have made wonderful friends there.

I'm starting to sober "date"....lol   It's been tough due to the fact that there aren't a huge supply of single sober men out there.  But I'm patient.

I've been quite busy lately because I went from focussing on alcohol to focussing on my health.  I've learned so many thing over the last 8 months and I am now sharing my health journey with people around the world.  I'm even working with a lady from Egypt.  I've been working on my Health Blog but haven't gotten it running yet.  I do have a Facebook page and have decided to share it with you.

Sometimes, we just need a little boost to get our asses in gear to kickstart to the new life we've been wanting for so long.  Sometimes, we have to turn our focus from the bad shit, and focus on the good shit.

Once I get things going with that, I hope to post more on this blog for newly sober people.  There just doesn't seem to be enough time in a day!

I hope my sober friends are doing well.....

and I'd love to see you on the other side....  "the healthy, I got my power and nobody is going to stop me side."

Get rid of alcohol, and all possibilities come back to your life.

...on Thinking "Am I Missing Out?"

It's been a very busy week.

As some of you know, I've been torn about the idea of getting back together with my ex-husband.  We've been apart for over 5 years now, and he has continuously been working at trying to win me over.  I've come to the realization that I haven't really been free from him over the last few years.  He's always there....  getting involved in my life.... no matter what I do...  I haven't had much time to get to know me and figure out what I want or need in my life.

We've been spending time together for the past few weeks, with the kids...  as a family.  It's been nice....  but that's it.... just nice.    I love being with my kids every single day.  I love watching them grow, laugh and live their lives.  But,  when I'm with their father, I feel like there's something missing in our relationship.  It's always been missing and it's time that I face that.  I sometimes wonder if I'm just too damn picky and just not happy with anything.  He's a great guy and great father, but we don't spark.  We don't communicate.  At all.

The meditation of the day in "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie speaks about letting go of resistance.  It says ...don't be in such a hurry to move on...  Relax.  Breathe.  Be in harmony today.  Let today happen and don't worry about tomorrow's feelings, problems and gifts.  So I'm doing that.  I'm not making any major decisions today.  I'm just letting things be and I'm believing that everything I need will be given to me today..... from God ... from the Universe.

I've had some thoughts about drinking during this past weekend.  It hit me hard when we were camping in a tent and most people around the other camps were "socializing" with their drinks in hand.   Alcohol sure was cunning, baffling and powerful to me.  There was a constant battle in my head with alcohol.   The booze was trying to convince me to drink it.  It almost felt like it was sitting on my right shoulder, talking to me.  Here are some things it said....

 -You're not a "real" alcoholic Jen
-You could start drinking in moderation now
-Nobody will know if you pick up a six pack
-Everyone else is drinking around the campfire, doesn't it look fun?
-You're missing out on socializing with everyone
-What's the harm in having a few drinks once in a while
-They are drinking and they aren't thinking they're alcoholics....why are you thinking that?

DANG IT!  The thoughts in my head didn't stop for a couple of days.... and it was hard.

I did a nice 10 KM run on Sunday, which helped tremendously!  I came in 3rd place in my age category and that was exciting!   Running sure does relieve a lot of stress in my body and mind.  I love it so much and I'm so very grateful that I'm able to do it.  If I didn't run as much as I do, and feel as healthy and blessed as I do, I'd be drinking....  I'd be stuck in the vicious cycle again.  I just know it.

My big question today is .....Am I really missing out?

I guess I will always face those thoughts about alcohol.  It must be normal to feel like I'm missing out on something fun at times.  I know that I don't want to drink like I use to... and feel as shitty as I once did.  I know that if I start drinking again, I will become the same "obsessed with alcohol" person that I once was.  I know I don't want hangovers or sleepless nights anymore.  I know that I want to stay healthy and focussed on the present moment.



So, I'll keep working it....  One day at a time.

...on An·o·nym·i·ty

2nd post today

I'm thinking of coming out of the closet.... as in breaking my anonymity.  I'm needing some advice from fellow bloggers first.

I'd like to start posting pictures of me and my family, living soberly and loving life.  I'm a little worried about doing this but I also feel that if someone sees how amazing my life is with my family, it may help them get sober.

I worry that someone from my small town will see me and start rumours around here.  That's probably because all my life I've worried about what others think of me.

But, I'm learning through The Gifts of Imperfection that I'm not perfect.  I've made mistakes.  I'm friggen sober and I'm loving it!  There's nothing wrong with that... right?

I also look at it this way.  If someone out there that knows me stumbles across my sober blog, it may mean they are looking for what I've found.

I don't know..... I need advice.

To show me or not to show me......That's the question?

...on Recovery @ Day 200

There's something about this number that gets me excited about being sober for this long.  I'm not sure what it is.....  double the 100 Day Challenge maybe..... -first time I've been sober for this long maybe.... -closer to 1 year sober maybe.....  I'm just so grateful to be here, celebrating 200 days of sobriety.

Recovery in the beginning was just a word that meant it's time for me to stop drinking and get healthy again.  As I read blogs and articles, I'm discovering so much more.

I love this definition of recovery.  

...to return to the original self

This brings me back to being a child.  My original self, before I picked up a drink was full of hope, life and love.  She didn't know that alcohol would rob her of so much beauty in the world.  She didn't know that alcohol would make her sick and tired.  She thought it was normal to drink everyday because that's what she saw.

It's kinda hard for me to think about going back to my original self because as a child, I lived in fear, guilt and anxieties.  I was surrounded by a world full of resentment, anger and shame.   I have vague memories of my childhood and I'll tell you, they aren't the best ones.  

But when I look at a baby and think about a newborn child coming into this world, this definition makes so much sense to me.  It's exactly where I need to go.   A baby comes into this world full of love, joy and hope.  They are filled with contentment and the universe loves them.  They know no judgement and they aren't judged.  They have courage and face their fears.   They learn and discover all that surrounds them.  They have no guilt or shame.  They just live.... in the moment, without worrying about what everyone else thinks.  

I am so blessed to have an opportunity to really watch my children today.   I've always watched them and guided them, but today I see them through sober eyes and it's so very different.   I see the love, hope and joy in their lives and it makes me want to go right there... where they are.   My kids live in the moment.   I am learning so much from them.  They are my greatest teachers in this lifetime.  They are teaching me to go back to my original self.