....In My Path (Part 1...Closed Liquor Stores? Really?)

I didn't drink.

I wanted to drink several times during the holidays.   And, every single time that alcohol was on my mind, God put someone or something in my path to detour me from my cravings....from my need....from my wanting to fit in....from my needing to numb the pain.

I have learned so much about myself over the last two weeks.  I have grown more than I have ever grown.

December 27th was my 1 year soberversary!  Yay me!  It was on this day a year ago that I decided that I didn't want to feel like shit any longer.  It was on this day that I read a meditation from the book "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie.  I will post this meditation later.  I quietly celebrated with my best friend.  We went for dinner and had desert and I celebrated.  It was quiet.  It was nice.

It may be hard for you to believe this, but the night before, I drove to two liquor stores.  What were the odds that they were both closed?  It was 4 o'clock for God sakes.  This was my path....

What lead me there? What lead me to sit in my car in front of a liquor store, wondering what the hell life was all about...wondering if I was willing to give up a whole year of hard work for one night of pure oblivion?  What lead me to a desperate state of wanting to numb my body and mind with a great big fuckin box of red wine?

Pain!  

Pain from my past that I thought I fucking dealt with.   I thought I had all the valves shut, but little did I know, I didn't.

A good friend and I have been spending a lot of time together.  She asked me a couple of tough questions about my past that were hard for me to answer, and all hell broke lose in mind and body and soul.

I suddenly found myself at 14 years old, laying in bed with a guy that my uncle brought to camp.  I was that young, innocent girl again feeling the pain and shame from the moment that he touched me....wondering where my uncle was?  Was he watching me?  Was he allowing this to happen?  Wasn't he supposed to protect me?  I felt my body shut down like it has never shut down before and I remembered.  

I remembered why I started drinking at such a young age.  I remember just wanting to numb all that part of me.  I don't really know if I was raped because I put up a wall in my head.  A wall that won't let me remember.  At 44 years old, my mind and body went back to being that little girl, in one instant...just like that!  I could literally feel my skin crawl!

And, all I could do was drive.... drive to find some way of numbing the pain again.  I didn't want to feel.  I didn't want my body to feel the way it felt....the anxiety, the shame, the guilt.  But, it was there.  And, I was mad.  I was mad because I honestly thought that all of those valves of the past had been shut!

Fuck

After I sat in my car, in front of the liquor store, wondering why the fuck two of them were closed in my small town, telling myself to drive to the city to get me a box of wine, and feeling the pain, I drove home.  I entered my garage, shut the car down and closed my eyes.  I fell asleep in an instant.

I woke up 20 minutes later and went to sleep in my bed.  I was exhausted.  I made plans to attend the morning meeting and the evening meeting the next day and I then I went to bed.

I can sit here today and tell you that the whole experience that went on that day, on December 26th, the day before my one year sober date, happened to me for a very important reason.  I didn't know that at the time, but I sure as hell know it today.  I know why the two liquor stores were closed too.  They were meant to be closed.....

....for me.

The next few days brought me the greatest spiritual awakening I've ever had.  I can't wait to tell you about all of the things that came into my path!

Hugs.
SoberMommy