Message I Read December 27th, 2014...Sober Date

Near the Top

I know you’re tired. I know you feel overwhelmed. You may feel as though this crisis, this problem, this hard time will last forever.

It won’t. You are almost through.

You don’t just think it has been hard; it has been hard. You have been tested, tried, and retested on what you have learned.

Your beliefs and your faith have been tried in fire. You have believed, then doubted, then worked at believing some more. You have had to have faith even when you could not see or imagine what you were asked to believe. Others around you may have tried to convince you not to believe in what you were hoping you could believe.

You have had opposition. You have not gotten to this place with total support and joy. You have had to work hard, in spite of what was happening around you. Sometimes, what motivated you was anger; sometimes fear.

Things went wrong—more problems occurred than you anticipated. There were obstacles, frustrations, and annoyances en route. You did not plan on this being the way it would evolve. Much of this has been a surprise; some of it has not been at all what you desired.

Yet, it has been good. Part of you, the deepest part that knows truth, has sensed this all along, even when your head told you that things were out of whack and crazy, that there was no plan or purpose, that God had forgotten you.

So much has happened, and each incident—the most painful, the most troubling, the most surprising—has a connection. You are beginning to see and sense that.

You never dreamt things would happen this way, did you? But they did. Now you are learning the secret—they were meant to happen this way, and this way is good, better than what you expected.

You didn’t believe it would take this long, either—did you? But it did. You have learned patience.

You never thought you could have it, but now you know you do.

You have been led. Many were the moments when you thought you were forgotten, when you were convinced you had been abandoned. Now you know you have been guided.

Now things are coming into place. You are almost at the end of this phase, this difficult portion of the journey. The lesson is almost complete. You know—the lesson you fought, resisted, and insisted you could not learn. Yes, that one. You have almost mastered it.

You have been changed from the inside out. You have been moved to a different level, a higher level, a better level.

You have been climbing a mountain. It has not been easy, but mountain climbing is never easy. Now, you are near the top. A moment longer, and the victory shall be yours.

Steady your shoulders. Breathe deeply. Move forward in confidence and peace. The time is coming to relish and enjoy all which you have fought for. That time is drawing near, finally.

I know you have thought before that the time was drawing near, only to learn that it wasn’t. But now, the reward is coming. You know that too. You can feel it.

Your struggle has not been in vain. For every struggle on this journey, there is a climax, a resolution.

Peace, joy, abundant blessings, and reward are yours here on earth. Enjoy.

There will be more mountains, but now you know how to climb them. And you have learned the secret of what is at the top.

Today, I will accept where I am and continue pushing forward. If I am in the midst of a learning experience, I will allow myself to continue on with the faith that the day of mastery and reward will come. Help me, God, understand that despite my best efforts to live in peaceful serenity, there are times of mountain climbing. Help me stop creating chaos and crisis, and help me meet the challenges that will move me upward and forward.

Quoted from the book Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.

That was the first thing I read on the day I quit drinking.  I was tired.  I was climbing an uphill battle trying to get to the top and I couldn't make it there alone.  I've grown so much over the year.  I am amazed that I've made it.  I am amazed at the sense of freedom I have today.  I am grateful for the beautiful things in my life.  I truly believe that a Higher Power, my God has been there holding me up and guiding me along this crazy journey.

Sober Mommy

...Mrs. L

Last night, at the meeting, a newbie came through the doors.  I'll call her Mrs. L.   She looked so lost, so confused, so scared.  Walking through the doors of AA is probably one of the hardest things a person can do.

I remember all of my "first" days I walked into the doors of AA......the first time in 2007.  Then in 2012.  Then in 2014, my latest attempt at getting sober.  It doesn't matter how many times I have trodded through those rooms for the "first" time, it was the always one of the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Pride sets in.  We become ashamed of the fact that we are weak and lost and unhealthy and confused.  We are embarrassed for being a drunken mess.  We are worried someone will hear our story.  After all, society tells us that we are supposed to have our shit together every second of every day!  Society!  What the hell do they know?

We ask ourselves big questions.  We try to seek answers.  Am I really an alcoholic?  Am I even half as bad as these peoples?  Is this where I belong?  What will they think of me?  Can I really stop drinking for the rest of my life?  I can read these questions all over Mrs. L's face.  I remember them ...oh so clearly... on mine as well.

Watching Mrs. L. share a part of her life with the group helped me remember why I don't want to go back there.  I love being free from the demon that carried my soul for so many years.  My soul is free!  I can wake up in the morning and live my life.....  like I mean really live it!  See things.  Hear things.  Laugh.  Cry.  Feel.  Sleep.  Smile.  All of it!  I'm friggen free and I am so very grateful for this gift!  New friends!  New family!  New life!

At the end of the meeting I hugged Mrs. L.   I gave her my number and the list of meetings I attend.  She asked me to be her sponsor.  I told her I wasn't ready for that yet.  I'm still learning to love myself and I'm still learning to live on life's terms.  But, I did tell her that I'd be her friend and that she could call me anytime.  I hope she calls.  I hope she sees how amazing life can be through the sparkle in my eyes.

I wish I could stop Mrs. L. from picking up a drink tonight or tomorrow night or the next night.  I wish I could tell her that her life will be so amazing if she'd just come to meetings, read the big book, pray, breathe and live without the booze.  I wish I could hold her and tell her that life is so amazing when we are set free from the demon.

I will pray for Mrs L.  I pray that God will help her find her way and give her the strength she needs to live without the burden of alcohol on her mind.

Dear God,
With this prayer, I call to mind my friend.
I ask for Your blessing on her.
May angels fill her nights and bless her days.
May she find joy and peace and harmony.
May I be a source of happiness in her life.
May she always know that in me, she has support.
Thank you, God. 
Amen.

Sober Mommy

....on Prayer

I went to a meeting last night.  It was so very powerful.  I heard the little whispers that were meant for me.

There is so much love and compassion in the rooms.  People struggling.  People living.  Sober people talking about their lives.  Honesty.  Journeys.  Struggles.  Compassion.  Love.  It's all there...in the rooms.

Life is hard.

Sober living is even harder.

Sometimes I wonder how I've made it to over 300 sober days.  Sometimes it doesn't make sense to me.  I went through so many days where the urge to pick up a drink was so powerful.

...so very powerful.

Last night, someone mentioned that he heard another member talk about asking God to remove the burden of the obsession of drinking from him.  The man did not believe it could work for him.  He loved his alcohol so much, that there was no way that God could do this for him!  He lost his faith in God a long long time ago.

You see, this man got desperate.  He lost his wife.  He lost his children.  He became violent.  He became miserable.  He was tired.  He was obsessed.  He cared nothing about anything ....but his next drunk.

So, he decided to go home after he heard the member and do as he did.  He shut all the lights in the room.  He got down on one knee.  He prayed.  He said "God.  If  you did it for Jo, you may be able to do it for me.  Please help me.  Please remove this obsession of wanting to drink from me.  Please help me break this vicious cycle once and for all."

He took his last drink that day.  He's been sober for 20 years.

When I first tried to quit drinking in 2008, I had no tools.  I had no people.  I had no idea how to get sober.  I had to idea how to live life on life's terms!  I struggled for so many years.  .....in and out of drunkenness.   My only way to solve a problem was with a glass of wine......lo and behold....the problem was never solved.   I was miserable.  I was oblivious.  I was numb.  I was always sick.  I remember watching my face age in the mirror on a daily basis, from the lack of sleep and the stress caused by alcohol.

It took me 7 years!   It took me 7 years of trying to break the cycle of alcoholism in my life.  I couldn't do it all alone.   I tried so many times to stop.  I'd wake up in the morning and say, that's it!  I'm done drinking!  By 3 pm, I was in line at the liquor store.

I found a gift.   The gift of sobriety.  It's in those rooms.

God works in mysterious ways.

On December 27th, 2014, I took my last drink.  I was tired of drinking.  I was tired of thinking.  I was tired of thinking about drinking.  I wanted freedom.  I wanted to break this vicious cycle.

I prayed.

This is my prayer.  I hope it helps you today.  Have faith.  Believe.

If it worked for Bill, Jo, and me.....it may just work for you.

Dear God.
I cannot stop drinking.
I have tried.
I have tried so hard.
And still, Lord.  I go back and do it,
though I hate myself for doing it.
I cannot stop. 
I cannot stop.
You, dear Lord, are my refuge and security and strength when I cannot go on.
Please lift me up and share Your strength with me.
Please lift me from this burden, the burden of this addiction, 
the pain of this self-hatred,
the power of this demon within me.
I do not have the power on my own to fight this beast.
But You, dear Lord, You do.
You do.
I praise Your strength, and power and love.
Please give it to me.
Please take away my desire to drink. 
I surrender all.  
I lay myself in Your arms.
Please give me a miracle.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank  you.
Amen.

Miracles happen.  Ask Bill and Jo...

and me.

Sober Mommy

...on Spirituality

You may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.

                                                                      (Big Book, P. 44, 4th edition)

The main objective of the big book is to help us find a Power greater than ourselves which will solve our problems.   Most of us, hoped for so long that we were not true alcoholics.   We made excuses.  We tried moderation.  We refused to be honest with ourselves, and this lead us to destructive behaviours.... and unhealthy lifestyles.

I've learned that there are many types of alcoholics.  There are those who binge drink, weekend drinkers, everyday drinkers, closet drinkers, moderation ones, social ones, lonely drinkers, angry drinkers, happy drunks, and then there's me.... just a happy-go-lucky drinker that got sick of getting sick.  I was sick of loosing sleep.  I was sick of trying to hide my booze breath.  I was broke.  I was bloated.  I was hungover, one too many times.  I fell.  I banged my head and body around.  I was loud and annoying.  I was oblivious.  I was sick of being sick and tired.

It doesn't matter what kind of drinker you are.  If you don't feel good about what you're doing, then you may have to be honest with yourself and make the necessary changes to live a better lifestyle!  You have to take action!  You're the only one that can make the changes.  You have to discover the truth about who you really are..... and, the only way to do this, is to have a spiritual experience!

How do you have a spiritual experience?  I'm sure everyone's story is different but this is my experience.  I'm sharing in hopes to help another alcoholic find her/his way out.

1.  You pray.  

I prayed this prayer for one week before I quit drinking and I continue to pray it every time I have sudden urges to pick up a drink!

                
2.  You change your thoughts and break away from old habits.

I realized that I am not my thoughts.  I am someone greater than them.  My name is Jen, but that is not who I am.  I am a single mom, but that is not who I am.  I have started having experiences with myself on such a deeper level through stillness and calmness.  I listen more.  I see more.  I have become an observer of my thoughts instead of being involved with them.

Before I got sober, my thoughts were like wild horses running crazily through the forest, from one end of the spectrum to the other.  There was never any calmness.  Life was chaotic.  My thoughts were chaotic.  I had to learn to "tame" the wild horse.  I literally took my thoughts and visualized them going down a trail in the forest, like a tamed horse would.  I learned to keep my thoughts on the straight and narrow path.  What a life changing experience this has been for me!   If  you don't think you have the power to control your thoughts, try this exercise.  I got it from Oprah.  
Close your eyes and think of a red triangle.   Then a yellow banana.  Then a blue jay.  Think of those three objects for 5 seconds each. 

Were you able to think of them?  Then, you controlled your thoughts!  

I learned to sit in stillness and be the observer of my thoughts.  When they'd tell me to do something different than what the real me wanted to experience, I didn't listen.  I broke away from old habits.  I changed friends (easily when you join an AA group).  I drank a lot of water....iced cold water.   When I drank this, I felt it go down my oesophagus and stomach and felt my cell in my body dancing and detoxifying.  I started running, eating healthy, and started feeling alive again, after all these years of not feeling anything .....really.

3.  You read.

I read, and read, and read....as much as I could.  I was told about great books to read, and I listened.  Everything I read, I applied to my life.  I listened to the little whispers and life messages that I could take from the readings.  "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer changed my life.   I will add a tab at the top of my blog of all of the great books I've read.  I think it will be helpful to many.

4.  You live every day in Love and Acceptance.

I decided that every morning I would accept and love whatever comes my way that day.  I say "God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.  Amen."  I tell Him that I surrender and understand that whatever comes my way, is there for a reason.  I take it all in, accept it (some things are easier than others) and try to find joy and love out of everything.  I look at people differently now.  I look at people in a whole new way.   Most people are doing the best the can, with what they know.  ...so why not accept that.  I avoid the negative ones, that will affect my mood but I accept that that's who they are.  I love everyone.  I don't assume anymore.  I don't take things personally as much.  I do my best and I am careful with my words.  The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz was another great read...short and sweet!

5.  You make choices.

We are so empowered!  We are given the ability to choose!  We are given the ability to make choices that will heal us.  I read this quote from the Internet and saved it to my phone a few months ago:  

You have a choice.  Between B (birth) and D (death) there is C (choice).  We can't create or destroy energy but we can transform it.  We have a choice either to transform our negative energy into positive energy....to live with peace and happiness or we can allow it to destroy us mentally and physically.  We struggle with negative thoughts and wish they would end not realizing that the choice and power to transform them to positive thoughts lies in our own mind.

I make a choice everyday!  I choose to live my life very differently than I did 6 months ago!  I love waking up and feeling alive and healthy!  I am grateful for all that I have!   I choose to live in love and happiness.  I choose happiness.  I choose to live a healthy lifestyle.  I choose to be the best I can be.  I choose to not drink!  It's a choice.  A daily choice.  One day at a time.

My morning line:  EVERYTHING I NEED SHALL BE PROVIDED TODAY!

6.  You let yourself heal.

This was a big one for me.  I had to realize that being sober isn't just about not drinking anymore.  It's about feeling the feelings that come along on a daily basis.  "Feeling" the feelings.  ...anger, sadness, insecurities, loneliness, joy, content, fear.... I can't numb them anymore so I have to feel.... I have to feel them and let them pass through me.  I had to stop holding on the these feelings because they would get stuck, right at the bottom of my gut and I lived with them on a daily basis.  I drank to numb the feelings.  I drank to numb the pain.  Now, I don't drink so I have to feel the feelings.   It's not easy at times and it definitely takes some getting use to.  I had to heal a lot of the pain I felt from my past experiences and let them go.  It takes a lot of work, on a daily basis.  I sleep more.  I allow myself to cry.   I accept how I feel.  But, I don't drink to avoid them anymore.  I'm healing.  I'm accepting.  I'm letting go.  Today, I'm conscious!  I'm aware of the feelings.  I let them flow through me and I let them all go.  I give them all away to my Higher Power.  On a daily basis.  I let them go.   Why do I want to hang on to all of that?  Nonsense!  Our past does not define who we are today.  They are just experiences that brought us here.  We take the lessons from those past experiences and learn from the ones we want to learn from. 

We can choose to 

-let them go and be at peace     or 

-hold on to them and live in fear.  

We have that choice!   It's time to heal, isn't it?  Find a bowl, put the past in it, lift it up to your higher power, and ask him to release you from these burdens!  Try it!  You have nothing to lose!!

Getting sober is probably one of the hardest things I have done in my life.  It isn't easy and there are still times where I wonder if I'll be able to do it forever!  Our world is surrounded with alcohol and people that drink.  People, places and things......  = alcohol.  We will always have an excuse to drink....or a "good" reason to get sloshed.  Always.  When we believe this, our horse is running wild and our ego head is in control.  Find your inner self.  Let it be in control.

When we stop listening to our thoughts, we can find the power within us to fight off the demons of addiction and find the spiritual experiences we are all searching for.  They are all within us already!   Sit in stillness, tame the horse and you will hear it... you will feel it.... you will see it......you will experience it.....

...on Acceptance

Acceptance is key....isn't it.

It's funny.  I just wrote a post on trying to find ways to dealing with my inner disturbances and insecurities and I'm hearing a lot of little whispers lately telling me to accept the things I cannot change.

The thing is, I was trying to just let go of the things I cannot change.  I was forgetting the first step in letting go........

Acceptance.

My inner disturbances have been calmer this week, since I've come to accept certain things.  How easily I forgot.  I had to remember to accept the feelings I was feeling.  I had to accept them and remind myself that it was okay to have them.   I had to accept the circumstances of my outer world and trust that God has a plan for everything that goes on around me.  I have to trust the process.  I have to accept and surrender.  I can't be at peace in my mind, without acceptance.  I know that now.

I have to agree with this quote I found today.

I truly believe that recovery comes only when we accept the things we cannot change.  We cannot change people.  We cannot change events.  We cannot change certain circumstances in our lives.    We have to accept them or we will friggen go crazy....  the mind will go crazy.   Our bodies will become ill.   When we hold on to resentments and don't let go, we become spiritually sick people.  Resentments are the #1 killer to us alcoholics.

So, I have to let go....  let go of resistance.  Surrender.  I can't fight it anymore.  Can't fight off my ex anymore.  I'm tired.   I've tried to help him change for the past 20 years.  So I will accept that he is an angry man, that he's negative, that he's stuck there.  I can only hope that he finds true spiritual growth and the happiness that I've found.  I can only pray for him to recover, like I have.  

....to accept the things I cannot change.....  

Yes.  The Serenity Prayer.  The key prayer to AA people.  It should be the key prayer for everyone!  

It doesn't just end with the first 4 lines either.  There's more to it.  It is truly powerful.  I'm living it today.  We can all live it today.  We can breathe.  We can feel.  We can love.  We can live.

One moment at a time.....

Morning Prayer

I need to pray this morning.   I need to remember all the things I'm grateful for....  health, kids, job, sunshine, home, sobriety, my dog, friends, AA...

Stay centered.  Breathe.  Everything I need will be provided today.


Morning Prayer by Marianne Williamson

Dear God,
I give this day to You
May my mind stay centered on the things of spirit.
May I not be tempted to stray from love.
As I begin this day, I open to receive You.
Please enter where You already abide.
May my mind and heart be pure and true, 
and may I not deviate from the things of goodness.
May I see the love and innocence in all
    mankind, behind the masks we all wear and
    the illusions of this worldly place.
I surrender to You my doings this day.
I ask only that they serve You and the healing
    of the world.
May I bring Your love and goodness with me, to
    give unto others wherever I go.
Make the person You would have me be.
Direct my footsteps, and show me what You
    would have me do.
Make the world a safer, more beautiful place.
Bless all Your creatures.
Heal us all, and use me, dear Lord, that I might
    know the joy of being used by You.
Amen

...on Surrendering

If I don't surrender on a daily basis, I live a turmoiled, gotta be my way or the highway life...which doesn't work for me....which actually led me to my drinking days.

We all want to be in control of everything.  We all want it and we can't deny it.  When things don't go our way, what happens?  Fear, anger and resentments set in.  We lose our serenity and our spirit becomes ill.  I felt this in the past few days.  Ill.  Like, what the heck is wrong with me and I want my pink cloud back ill!  I'm a work in progress.

By surrendering to God (my Higher Power) every morning, I am able to look at my life in a different lens.  I become more grateful for everything in my life.  I become more aware of my surroundings and the people that I encounter.  I learn to accept things as they come.  I am more peaceful.  ..... and I have to let go and believe that everything in my life is happening for a reason and I am right where I am supposed to be.  

Accept.  Let Go.  Every day.

AA meeting last night...amazing.   There is so much power in going to AA meetings.   So much spirit.  What a gift I have been given.  

Reflection of the Day (taken from the Daily Reflections for AA members)

Today, I am no longer a slave to alcohol, yet in so many ways, enslavement still threatens - my self, my desires, and even my dreams.  Yet without dreams, I cannot exist;  without dreams, there is nothing to keep me moving forward.
I must look inside my self, to free myself.  I must call upon God's power to face the person I've feared the most.  The true me.  The person God created me to be.  Unless I can or until I do, I will always be running and never be truly free.  I ask God daily to show me such a freedom.  

I surrender.

Prayer for Strength....

I've been tested and challenged today.  My cravings for a glass of red wine were extremely strong today.  Kids fought.  Brought them sliding.  They still fought.  I'm trying to keep busy with laundry but what do you do with two kids that are miserable?  I feel miserable now....which is the times I would drink a nice glass of red wine to unwind ...in the past.   I've done my prayer.  I've read other prayers.  I've eaten.  Lots.  I've had lots of water.  I'm just breathing right now.  I'm going to review the 12 steps starting tonight.  I think I've decided to focus on one step per month for the next year.  I really really want this.....I'm so tired of this vicious cycle.  I have to be empowered and stay strong.