I'm living it I think.
I'm stuck. I talked about it at the meeting last night. Cried. Got some advice. ...and I will definitely apply it to my life today.
All my life, I grew up around a miserable, resentful mother. She drank daily with my father. They seemed angry all of the time. A few years ago, my mother told me she resented me as a child. She was pissed off because I stood in their way.... I was there. They wanted to drink. They wanted to party. I was there. In the way.
I told myself that I would never be like my mother when I grew up. I made a promise when I was younger to be a better mom.
I became her.
Resentful.
Angry.
Alcoholic.
When I drank, I was happy for a while until they stood in my way. I would yell and swear, just like my mother did, to the point where I could hear her voice in me. I would see the look of fear and loss of trust build up in my kids when this happened. The way they looked at me was the way I looked at my mom when she was in her fury.
So, I quit drinking. I thought it would solve all my problems. I thought "Now I will be a better mom!" I found some sense of spirituality and Being for several months.
But, for some reason, I'm still struggling with the anger, resentment and impatient part. Life is so hectic. I seem to be in a rush for nothing. I'm not going anywhere really, so why do I lose my shit when I'm trying to help my kids with homework, or when I have to clean the house cause someone left a damn mess, or when they are fighting. I get so impatient when things aren't perfect. Why?
Is this what's considered "Dry Drunk"? Am I just living like I use to live, but this time without consuming alcohol.... in anger, resentment and fear? I feel like a ticking time bomb....just waiting till something or someone pisses me off enough for me to go out and get my bottle of vino! Just waiting for a good reason to drink.
I don't want to drink. I don't want to go back to numbing. I'm learning to feel again. I'm learning to live. I'm finding my true self. I'm trying to find peace within myself. I'm trying to just BE. Not making rash decisions. Not making plans. Just letting go...and letting God take over.
We read step 2 at the meeting last night and this stuck out at me like a tonne of bricks.
We had been asking something for nothing. The fact was we really hadn't cleaned house so that the grace of God could enter us and expel the obsession. In no deep or meaningful sense had we ever taken stock of ourselves, made amends to those we had harmed, or freely given to any other human being without any demand for reward. We had not even prayed rightly. We had always said, "Grant me my wishes" instead of "Thy will be done." Therefore we remained self-deceived, and so incapable of receiving enough grace to restore us to sanity.
This is me. For real. I have to make changes. Letting go of the drink just isn't enough anymore.
SoberMommy
