Who Am I?

Many of you know that I've been struggling with self-esteem issues lately.  I have zero confidence.  When I look in the mirror, I see a woman who is aging.... a woman who has lost her identity.  I don't like her.  I don't even know her.

When I was drinking I really didn't have these issues.   Well...maybe I was just in denial.  I'm not really sure what shifted for me.  What changed so drastically in my life that I now feel like I'm walking around on eggshells all the time?  I am living in constant fear of what other people think of me.  I worry about what they will think of the decisions I make in my life, with what I look like, with my behaviours.  I am constantly worried about what I say or do, and sugarcoat everything in hopes to not "upset" someone or create an uncomfortable feeling in them, or in me.

It's wrong.  I can't be honest.  I can't be me.   Something huge is preventing me from being the me that I am supposed to be.  Who am I anyway?

I've been really working hard at it, but I'm struggling really badly.  I've built this huge wall of bricks around me.  My struggles are causing me to isolate and stay alone.  I am quiet.  I push people away because it's just easier for me to not have to worry about how they feel about me.  And, this internal struggle makes me think that if I go back to drinking, I can just be happy again. ....and stop all this worry.  I can talk the talk and walk the walk and I can go back to being confident, independent and strong.  

I am weak.

I am vulnerable.

I am aware of this.

I'm reading a book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Browne.   I signed up for the e-course months ago, but I haven't had the chance to complete the lessons.  The book is great.  I need to focus on the readings and read more.   I need a time-out.

The sub-title of the book is "Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are"

I've got a lot of work to do.  I want to embrace who I am, but I honestly don't know who I am yet.

How do I find my identity again?  How do I find my confidence?  How do I stop giving a shit about everyone else in this world so that I can be me?

I'm hoping to get answers soon....  real soon.

On another note, I managed to get my tree up this morning, with coffee in hand.  Kids are happy.  Mommy is happy.

...on Depression

Last night's topic at the AA meeting was depression.  It scares me to know that people can get so deep into a hole that all their thoughts lead them to suicide.  I heard many members tell about their thoughts about suicide and planned suicide attempts and thought... wow, they are brave to tell us about this.   It helps me to know that I can be real and true to myself in the rooms and the amount of support and serenity in there is amazing.  One woman talked about her plan to commit suicide and take her cats with her.  One young guy, maybe 21 admitted himself into the hospital the other day because he wants to go too.   This stuff scares me deeply.   I mean, I'm not a doctor or anything but I feel like I just want to tell these people so much!

I am ever so grateful that I've never found myself to have major thoughts of suicide or planned suicide attempts.  I mean I did have quick thoughts here and there about how much easier it would be if I was gone, but those thoughts passed quickly because I wouldn't allow them to take over my mind.

I have found myself to be depressed quite often though.  I was on anti-depressants for years while I was drinking.

When I stopped drinking, I stopped my anti-depressants too....all in one shot.  I figured if I'm going to withdraw from one, I'm going to withdraw from it all!   It was tough, in the beginning.  I had bad side effects from coming off of the anti-depressants.  Really aweful brainzaps and dizzy spells.....
But, I trudged through it.  I suffered for a while to get to the freedom I have today.  It was worth it!

I spoke last night.  It was tough for me but I'm practicing being authentic, as Brene Browne taught me.   It takes practice to be true to myself because I haven't been honest with myself or with others for many years now.  I've been trying to be perfect so that everyone likes me.  I've been trying to make everything around me perfect so that I didn't disturb me or anyone else for that matter.  I've just wanted to fit in for years..... and to fit it, I wasn't being authentic.  Being a people pleaser is hard work and exhausting!

I told them how much it frightened me to know that people wanted to end their lives  because of depression.  I know it exists and I know that people can get stuck in the big black hole, but there has to be a way of reaching out!  I didn't want to reach out when I first got sober.  I isolated myself and felt sorry for myself for months because not only did I lose my bestfriend (aka beer and wine), I lost my drinking buddies, my parents stopped coming to visit me, my confidence shot out the door because now I had to feel all the emotions that I once numbed.  What saved me from going to a deep hole is the fact that I realized that my thoughts are not who I am.   "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer taught me how to untether my soul from the rest of my body and mind. And, it came through.  I learned to be grateful, happy, content, calm, still, free.  I learned to find connections through the program and I'm learning to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks.    I'm okay with being alone.  I'm okay with being in debt.  I'm okay with my body image.  I'm okay with quietness.   I'm imperfect and I'm okay with that too.  My favourite quote is "Everything I need shall be provided today".   I live by this quote.  I'm learning to feel worthy for once in my life.  I'm worthy of being sober.  I'm worthy of living my life to the fullest.  I'm worthy of love and relationships.  I'm worthy of asking for help.  I'm worth feeding my body with good wholesome foods.  I'm worth it and I'm going to work damn hard to set boundaries and take risks to step out of my shell....  because I'm worth it!

Life is amazing when you think about it. There is way too much to live for today and I don't think it's our job to take our own lives away from this Earth.  It's not our job!  It's our job to find ourselves, discover who we are, and be okay with all that is.

There IS a way out of depression.  I pray that the people who spoke up last night find their way through it.  I reached out to both of them in hopes that they see a glimmer of light shining through.

Have a blessed day!

...on Gifts of Imperfection

I'm realizing, while on this sober journey, that I'm not perfect.   Honestly, don't laugh here, but I thought I was for the longest time.  Was it the alcohol that made me feel like I could conquer the world?  Did it really have that much power over me?  Boy, do I ever need validation from others to make me feel good about myself!  I'm sober.  I don't have booze to give me that confidence, I don't give a shit attitude, or numbing of my feelings stuff anymore....and it's tough!

I'm thinking of taking a course by Brene Brown on her book The Gifts of Imperfection.  It's been calling me.  I downloaded the ebook yesterday and am ready to start working on this new person....this new sober person.  Here is a quote I read from the first chapter....

The unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are.

I had to dig very deep and make the conscious choice to believe- to believe in myself and the possibility of living a different life.

Good stuff eh!  Well, I am ready to dig deep!  I've been ready for a while.  It's time for me to figure this thing out....alcohol free!  I'm not going down that route anymore, that I know for sure!  Here's a link to her class.... I will start up next week.  If anyone wants to join me, it would be so great!!  More fun to do stuff with a friend and chat about it......  send me an email!  Sign Up for e-course here

I also started something fun. and self-loving yesterday!  I downloaded an App last year called "Loving You".  The purpose of the App was to meet someone special and journal our time together....ya know....at the beginning when everything is beautiful and exciting.  Well, I haven't met someone special yet, I haven't really had time to date much, and besides that I'm still debating on getting back together with my ex-hubby or not.   I feel like I've been waiting for the love of my life to come into my life and "fix" me...  make me happy and fulfilled.  I've been waiting for five years!  I've wondered why God hasn't sent me my soulmate yet....

Anyhow, I'm using the App for ME!  I'm taking a selfie of myself for 30 days and I will write something about me that I love!  I will write something that I'm grateful for in my life....  It's time to change these crazy negative thoughts I have about myself and start loving ME!

I really think I've been alone for so long because God wants me to learn to love "me" first.  The person that is right here, in this body.....and has been here all along.  I've been lost but I'm finding my way out.....

A friend sent me this huge message yesterday....

Gosh, when you have alcohol in  your life, it's impossible to deeply know truths about yourself and who you really are.  You really can't heal or see reality for what it is.  I'm healing.  I'm learning to love myself.  One step at a time....even if they're tiny ones.