...on Struggling

Day 169 and yesterday was probably one of the worst alcohol-fighting-off days I've ever had.  The only thing that kept me sober was that number!

I almost drank yesterday.  I came so close to getting into my car to drive to the little liquor store around the corner from my house.  I spent the day alone.  I did some yard work and found myself in a huge bowl of self-pity and I know that.  I didn't want to reach out to anybody!  I didn't care about my blog, AA, my kids, my successes.  I just wanted a drink!   I'm not sure if it was the nice, hot weather or the fact that I'm having a really, really tough time liking who I am....  the "real" me without alcohol is very insecure and has zero self-esteem or self-worth.

I don't feel good about me.... I'm not sure how to feel good about me.   I know I'm supposed to accept and love myself unconditionally, but holy moly that's tough!  I wanted to drink, just a small bottle of wine, so that I can feel good about myself just for one day!  I was aware of all of this, and very conscious of my feelings, which is probably what saved me.  I also went to an AA meeting last night, which helped a little.

I was honest and will be honest with you.  Part of me wonders if I am really an alcoholic.   Part of me wonders how much longer I will be sober.  I wasn't a "bad" drunk.  I was a "happy" drunk!  I was living in denial yesterday....and my head was surely trying to take charge of my life again.  Alcohol was very powerful, cunning and baffling yesterday.  Today, I want to be powerful, cunning, and baffling!  I hope and pray to God that I can find my serenity again.....

I really need to love and accept myself ...my sober self....and I'm not sure how to do that.

...on Acceptance

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life -unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.  Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy.  I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.  

                                                                  -Alcoholics Anonymous 4th edition (p.417)

...on AA

To be honest, walking into the AA rooms was the hardest thing I've ever done. 

I'm a teacher in a small community so my biggest fear came true when I walked into my first meeting, and a parent of a child I'm teaching was sitting right there..... first one to see me walk in.  I crawled into my own skin and thought I was going to die.   I sat there and listened to everyone speak.  I spoke too.  And cried.  To be honest I thought.... Hell with this....  I want what these people have.  They laughed.  They talked.  They prayed.  They had the freedom and serenity I wanted.  I felt it in that room!  

I had only been sober a couple of weeks and a few people came to me to give me their numbers.  I also go a lot of "real" loving hugs and for the first time, I felt like I belonged somewhere. 

One of the old-times said that my "meltdown" when I spoke helped him in his recovery because he remembered all too well how easy it is to get sucked back into the vicious cycle of drinking.  

I decided from that day on that... if my stories and words can help one person heal in some way, then that's exactly where I belong.  I usually go into a meeting, not wanting to speak, but when that little piece of paper comes to me, so much comes pouring out.  Sometimes, I'm not even sure if I'm making sense.  

I'm done living in fear.  Fear is not in control of my life anymore.  I needed the hugs.  I needed people in my life who I can relate to.  I love the blogging world.  It keeps me sober too.  But, nothing beats walking into a room full of loving people in recovery.  Nothing beats that!  I even get hugs from my student's father.

I wouldn't change it for the world.  

Hugs to you.... wish it were a great big "real" one!!  

...on Spirituality

You may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.

                                                                      (Big Book, P. 44, 4th edition)

The main objective of the big book is to help us find a Power greater than ourselves which will solve our problems.   Most of us, hoped for so long that we were not true alcoholics.   We made excuses.  We tried moderation.  We refused to be honest with ourselves, and this lead us to destructive behaviours.... and unhealthy lifestyles.

I've learned that there are many types of alcoholics.  There are those who binge drink, weekend drinkers, everyday drinkers, closet drinkers, moderation ones, social ones, lonely drinkers, angry drinkers, happy drunks, and then there's me.... just a happy-go-lucky drinker that got sick of getting sick.  I was sick of loosing sleep.  I was sick of trying to hide my booze breath.  I was broke.  I was bloated.  I was hungover, one too many times.  I fell.  I banged my head and body around.  I was loud and annoying.  I was oblivious.  I was sick of being sick and tired.

It doesn't matter what kind of drinker you are.  If you don't feel good about what you're doing, then you may have to be honest with yourself and make the necessary changes to live a better lifestyle!  You have to take action!  You're the only one that can make the changes.  You have to discover the truth about who you really are..... and, the only way to do this, is to have a spiritual experience!

How do you have a spiritual experience?  I'm sure everyone's story is different but this is my experience.  I'm sharing in hopes to help another alcoholic find her/his way out.

1.  You pray.  

I prayed this prayer for one week before I quit drinking and I continue to pray it every time I have sudden urges to pick up a drink!

                
2.  You change your thoughts and break away from old habits.

I realized that I am not my thoughts.  I am someone greater than them.  My name is Jen, but that is not who I am.  I am a single mom, but that is not who I am.  I have started having experiences with myself on such a deeper level through stillness and calmness.  I listen more.  I see more.  I have become an observer of my thoughts instead of being involved with them.

Before I got sober, my thoughts were like wild horses running crazily through the forest, from one end of the spectrum to the other.  There was never any calmness.  Life was chaotic.  My thoughts were chaotic.  I had to learn to "tame" the wild horse.  I literally took my thoughts and visualized them going down a trail in the forest, like a tamed horse would.  I learned to keep my thoughts on the straight and narrow path.  What a life changing experience this has been for me!   If  you don't think you have the power to control your thoughts, try this exercise.  I got it from Oprah.  
Close your eyes and think of a red triangle.   Then a yellow banana.  Then a blue jay.  Think of those three objects for 5 seconds each. 

Were you able to think of them?  Then, you controlled your thoughts!  

I learned to sit in stillness and be the observer of my thoughts.  When they'd tell me to do something different than what the real me wanted to experience, I didn't listen.  I broke away from old habits.  I changed friends (easily when you join an AA group).  I drank a lot of water....iced cold water.   When I drank this, I felt it go down my oesophagus and stomach and felt my cell in my body dancing and detoxifying.  I started running, eating healthy, and started feeling alive again, after all these years of not feeling anything .....really.

3.  You read.

I read, and read, and read....as much as I could.  I was told about great books to read, and I listened.  Everything I read, I applied to my life.  I listened to the little whispers and life messages that I could take from the readings.  "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer changed my life.   I will add a tab at the top of my blog of all of the great books I've read.  I think it will be helpful to many.

4.  You live every day in Love and Acceptance.

I decided that every morning I would accept and love whatever comes my way that day.  I say "God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.  Amen."  I tell Him that I surrender and understand that whatever comes my way, is there for a reason.  I take it all in, accept it (some things are easier than others) and try to find joy and love out of everything.  I look at people differently now.  I look at people in a whole new way.   Most people are doing the best the can, with what they know.  ...so why not accept that.  I avoid the negative ones, that will affect my mood but I accept that that's who they are.  I love everyone.  I don't assume anymore.  I don't take things personally as much.  I do my best and I am careful with my words.  The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz was another great read...short and sweet!

5.  You make choices.

We are so empowered!  We are given the ability to choose!  We are given the ability to make choices that will heal us.  I read this quote from the Internet and saved it to my phone a few months ago:  

You have a choice.  Between B (birth) and D (death) there is C (choice).  We can't create or destroy energy but we can transform it.  We have a choice either to transform our negative energy into positive energy....to live with peace and happiness or we can allow it to destroy us mentally and physically.  We struggle with negative thoughts and wish they would end not realizing that the choice and power to transform them to positive thoughts lies in our own mind.

I make a choice everyday!  I choose to live my life very differently than I did 6 months ago!  I love waking up and feeling alive and healthy!  I am grateful for all that I have!   I choose to live in love and happiness.  I choose happiness.  I choose to live a healthy lifestyle.  I choose to be the best I can be.  I choose to not drink!  It's a choice.  A daily choice.  One day at a time.

My morning line:  EVERYTHING I NEED SHALL BE PROVIDED TODAY!

6.  You let yourself heal.

This was a big one for me.  I had to realize that being sober isn't just about not drinking anymore.  It's about feeling the feelings that come along on a daily basis.  "Feeling" the feelings.  ...anger, sadness, insecurities, loneliness, joy, content, fear.... I can't numb them anymore so I have to feel.... I have to feel them and let them pass through me.  I had to stop holding on the these feelings because they would get stuck, right at the bottom of my gut and I lived with them on a daily basis.  I drank to numb the feelings.  I drank to numb the pain.  Now, I don't drink so I have to feel the feelings.   It's not easy at times and it definitely takes some getting use to.  I had to heal a lot of the pain I felt from my past experiences and let them go.  It takes a lot of work, on a daily basis.  I sleep more.  I allow myself to cry.   I accept how I feel.  But, I don't drink to avoid them anymore.  I'm healing.  I'm accepting.  I'm letting go.  Today, I'm conscious!  I'm aware of the feelings.  I let them flow through me and I let them all go.  I give them all away to my Higher Power.  On a daily basis.  I let them go.   Why do I want to hang on to all of that?  Nonsense!  Our past does not define who we are today.  They are just experiences that brought us here.  We take the lessons from those past experiences and learn from the ones we want to learn from. 

We can choose to 

-let them go and be at peace     or 

-hold on to them and live in fear.  

We have that choice!   It's time to heal, isn't it?  Find a bowl, put the past in it, lift it up to your higher power, and ask him to release you from these burdens!  Try it!  You have nothing to lose!!

Getting sober is probably one of the hardest things I have done in my life.  It isn't easy and there are still times where I wonder if I'll be able to do it forever!  Our world is surrounded with alcohol and people that drink.  People, places and things......  = alcohol.  We will always have an excuse to drink....or a "good" reason to get sloshed.  Always.  When we believe this, our horse is running wild and our ego head is in control.  Find your inner self.  Let it be in control.

When we stop listening to our thoughts, we can find the power within us to fight off the demons of addiction and find the spiritual experiences we are all searching for.  They are all within us already!   Sit in stillness, tame the horse and you will hear it... you will feel it.... you will see it......you will experience it.....

...on a Big Book Lesson

... We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning.

...unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery. 

Part of my recovery is working with the AA membership and program.  I am tremendously grateful for having found this program and the many new sober friends that I've met recently.  I understand that there are many out there who don't believe in AA and many may have found their own way of recovering from this incredible disease.   I only write these post in hopes to help somebody out there who may be suffering!  We are all on a path to recovery and this is my spiritual journey.

I've decided to read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (4th edition).  I received the book in 2007, when I first realized that I may have a drinking problem and hit rock bottom.   After several attempts at trying to quit on my own terms, nothing seemed to work.  I've always kept the book close by, knowing that one day, I just may have to delve into it.

I picked the two quotes above to write about today because I feel such a strong connection to them.  This is exactly how my healing began.   My recovery program hasn't been just about me....not drinking.   It's about learning to live my life in a whole new way!

Of course, it begins with not picking up that first drink, even in those crazy times when I feel like I need it the most.   That in itself sometimes takes so much work and honestly sucks the life out of me at times.  It's not easy.....   especially when my friends are drinking on a regular basis..... especially, with summer around the corner. ...  especially when I feel overwhelmed with stress from work or kids or bills or weight.....

There will always be an excuse or reason to drink.  Always.  The insane thing about it, is that for years, I've allowed my excuses to keep me drunk.    " I worked hard today and I'm exhausted... I'm getting drunk tonight"....  OMG ... What an insane excuse to drink.   or  "My ex is such an asshole.  He refused to pick up the kids today...  I'm getting drunk cause I'm so pissed off right now"...   Insane.

 The truth is.... there is never a good excuse to drink or get totally sloshed.  I understand that people drink during social events and can have a couple of drinks here and there, but when you think you have a drinking problem, this just doesn't work!  We make our "good" excuses why we should or could pick up that first drink, drink our asses off, feel like shit, and the cycle begins.  Why do we do that to ourselves?  Why on Earth would I want to continue this crazy cycle of feeling like shit, not sleeping, being unhealthy....  when I have the power to stop it?  Insane thinking, that's what it is!

My recovery is about learning who I am, without the alcohol.   This is called freedom.  Freedom!    It's about discovering that my mind is such a powerful thing.   The mind.   The thing that guides us, unknowingly, along our journey in life.  It never stops talking to you!  It will tell you things that you think you want to hear, even if they will harm you.  It will convince you that your excuses to drink are good ones!  The mind is such a powerful tool.  We have to stop giving it the power!  The only way to do that, is to sit still and quiet the mind.

It took me 44 years to quiet my mind!  44 years before I learned that sitting still in a quiet setting was okay!  Try it!  Sit in a quiet room for 10 minutes.  It's friggen amazing!

You see, when I drank, I had not one second of calmness and stillness.  My life was chaotic, loud and non-stop.  I thought it was normal!

It's only when I began to sit in stillness that I realized that my mind was in a constant chatter.    I realize that I had a lot more power than I thought I had.  I learned to be okay in stillness.  I learned that I didn't have to listen to my mind.  I learned that I'm just the observer of my thoughts and sometimes those thoughts are gone off on a wild tangent!  This is the psychic change that is mentioned in the quote above.   Our thoughts have to change in order for recovery to happen!  

Everyone who is looking to recover will take a different journey.  I'm loving my journey today.  I believe that God (my Higher Power) has given me a miracle.  He lifted the burden of the constant craving for alcohol.  (see Prayer in labels)   I'm not sure how this happens!  But, I like it and I'm grateful.

I am still learning.  I'm learning to be okay in the stillness.  I'm learning to accept the things I cannot change.  I'm learning to be at peace and most of all, I'm learning to love myself again (like I did when I was a kid).  One day at a time.

...on Hope

Last Sunday, I got to chair my first AA meeting.  I was nervous of course.  The room filled up quickly. The worse part about the meeting was having to hit the table with the gavel to get everyone's attention.  I also had to stop discussion at the end of the meeting, with the gavel, as there were another 10 people to talk and there was just not enough time.   I think that the gavel should be replaced with bells because I'm sure it affects people who've been through the court system.  Heck, I've been there, for the divorce, and it brings me back down memory lane.... and I just don't like it.  I may start bringing a little bell with me...in case I'm asked to chair a meeting again.  ;)

Anyhow.  It went well.  The meeting was very powerful!  It was held at our mental institution here where I live so I was a little leery about chairing this meeting.

The thoughts about going to a mental institution for a meeting scared me.  I couldn't seem to wrap my head around the fact that a person can get so messed up on alcohol or drugs and want to hurt themselves or others.  Also, there are so many preconceptions about mental institutions in our society.  To be honest,  I've always been told that the people in there are in the "looney bin" and were "coo coo".  So, I was scared.  What did I know?

Before the meeting, we showed a quick video called "Hope:  Alcoholic Anonymous" to some of the patients.   Women, my age.  A young guy.  A teenage girl.  Human beings struggling with addictions. I felt myself get so overwhelmed with emotions and hope.  I wanted to reach out to these people and tell them how amazing sobriety is!  I wanted to tell them that they can turn their lives around today!  I wanted to tell them that they are so empowered and once they discovered that, they can achieve peace and serenity in the vicious cycle that they were going through!  So many things I wanted to say.  I didn't.

We finished the video and went to the AA meeting room.  The patients came too.  There were about 40 people in that room.  I selected readers, chaired the meeting and qualified.   Then, I listened.  I embraced myself in the room with all of the people's stories.  The patients spoke.  I listened.  I felt their fear.   I felt their pain.  Just "normal" people, like me, trying to deal with the pain from some of the shit that happened to them in the past and they just haven't been able to find a way out.  Just like me.... for all the years that I drank, I was lost.  Alone.  Scared.

I don't know a heck of a lot about mental illnesses but I know one thing for sure.  Many people in our mental institutions are there because they are victims.  They are human beings living with pain and they just don't know how to live their lives without numbing their pain.  I was there.  ....when I drank.  I may not have ended up in the institution, but I was there.  Lost.  Alone.

I got to call forward anyone who was attending their first meeting to hand out a 24-hour chip.  One lady came to me.  I embraced her.  She embraced me.  She had hope.  I had hope.

After the meeting, one of the patients came to me and said she felt so embarrassed because she cried and got emotional.  I told her how many times I've done that and that it was okay to feel the pain and release it.  It's all part of healing.  It's all part of recovery.  I told her what AA group I belonged to and she said she'd like to start coming to meetings.  We hugged.  She had hope.

That meeting was probably one of the most powerful experiences I've had in my life.  I'll never forget the look on these women's faces.  The look of despair, sadness, and hope.  I pray for them to find a way out.... their way out.  I pray that God gives them to strength to live a life... sober.

...on Unconditional Love

I made a promise to my children the other day.... the day that I lost my shit on them.   I promised them that I would try harder...not lose my shit and swear around them when I'm angry again.    I've always told myself as a child that I never wanted to sound like my parents and I know that I certainly do at times.

I can only remember too well, the feelings I felt when my parents were in their fits of rage.  Shouting.  Cursing.  Slamming cupboard doors.   The rye and water.  The anger.  The fear.  The feelings of emptiness and sadness overcame my inner child.  I hid in my closet.  Spent nights in my closet.  Lost.

I've come a long way since I started parenting in 1991.

I don't lose it on my kids as much as I did 5 years ago.  I've always promised myself to never put my children through what I went through.  But, I slip sometimes.  I'm human.

So, my promise to them will require a lot of work.  A daily basis amount of work.  I almost feel like I need a parenting course.   Being a good parent is going to require me to be fully conscious at all times.  I have to hold on to that.  I have to be aware of all my emotions and feelings on a daily basis, so that I could react to my children's behaviours in more appropriate ways.  I was tested last night, again.

Patrick....  I can't sleep mom

Me .... (OMG! It's 11 o'clock and I'm half asleep.  Not this again.  I'm friggen tired.  Fuck!)....all this was said in my head.....

I get up.  I'm calm.  I ask what's wrong.  He starts tearing up.  He doesn't like to disturb me.  I know this.  He knows I like my sleep so he's worried I'm going to lose it.  I know this.   I rub his back.  I'm conscious.  I'm calm.  He's upset.  He's hot.  He wants to sleep but he can't.  He feels sick.  He's worried that I'm upset.

Kelly.....  Mom!  I want to watch TV!  I can't sleep too.  Please mom!  I can't sleep without my TV!

Me.... (OMG!  What's wrong with these kids.  Can't they just go to bed when it's time to go to bed.  Fuck!)..... said in my head.....

Me.....  What would you like me to do guys.  There's no TV allowed now and it's bed time.  I have to work and you have school.  We need sleep.  You have to focus on your breath and allow your body to rest.

Needless to say.... my answer wasn't good enough.  Test?   Yes, test.  Test to mommyhood for sure!  Both kids crying.  I'm tired.  I just want sleep.   I think.  

Me....  K guys.  Come lay with mommy for a while.  I snuggle with them.  I'm calm.  I tell them ways to relax their body, even when they can't sleep.  I tell them I love them.  They fall asleep.  In my arms.   Content.  I don't sleep much but I'm okay with that.  I've accepted it.  My kids are young today.  They won't snuggle with me much longer.  They will be on their own one day, living their lives with their new families.  I have to enjoy the moments.

I love my kids unconditionally.  I know this, but I want them to know this.  I need them to know that even when they are acting like monsters, I still love them....unconditionally.  The best way for me to show this is by remaining calm during crises and "showing" them that I love them even when all hell breaks loose.  They will fight.  They will argue.  They will disobey.  They are human.

When I was a child, I didn't feel the unconditional love that a parent is supposed to give their child.   There were always conditions on my life for me to feel loved.  I had to get good marks in school.  I had to keep my room clean.  I had to clean the house.  I had to care for my sisters.  I had to play Barbies quietly.  I had to stay out of my parents way.  I had to be perfect!

I'm not setting conditions on my children like that.  I want them to grow into the spiritual beings they were meant to be.  I want them to know that they are loved always.  I want them to grow with confidence and know that even when they make mistakes, they can conquer the world.  I want to be a better mommy.

I'm a sober mommy.  I'm learning how to live life on life's terms.  I'm supposed to teach my kids to do the same.....to live life on life's terms.  That's my job.  My sobriety has brought me many gifts.  My sobriety has given me freedom to choose....freedom to choose to live in love or in fear.... freedom to feel the feelings and emotions, let them pass through my body and let them go.....freedom to be conscious.....  and fully present in my life.... freedom to love my children unconditionally.