Day 60!!

I'm am extremely pleased with my progress so far.  I'm pleased with the fact that I've found this new way of living....without alcohol.   

I am truly blessed that things have been pretty easy for me to date.  I haven't had any major cravings or "close calls" of any sort.  I haven't had major withdrawals from alcohol or any major anxieties.  My mind isn't at the: " damn it, I can't have alcohol" stage anymore.  Truth is ..I don't want it.   I have no desire to bring alcohol back into my life.   

I hear horror stories of people having to detox from alcohol or having major health problems when giving it up.  My sisters father-in-law is dying of liver disease from alcohol.  All that shit is scary! All that could have happened to me!  All that could hit my children one day!

I've been living a 40 day challenge since Ash Wednesday. I've had to make a daily intention for 40 days and post to my Instagram account.  I'm hooked!  It's created a beautiful space deep within my soul that allows me to feel and ask the universe for what I want.   I'm living my intentions on a daily basis and I'm living in love, abundance and gratefulness.  I'm living in the present moment because it is all we really have.  I will post some of my intentions to my blog once in a while to remind me of the awesomeness of intentions.

When I was drinking, my mind was so busy....it had to be busy.   I don't remember ever feeling like I was living for me.   I was living for everyone else and I was drinking so that I could forget that I was living for everyone else.  I had fears and anxieties. I didn't like quietness. I didn't like being alone.  I felt like my life was chaos and that was normal for me..oh..so normal.   Drink, cook, clean, kids, run around, pass out, wake up, work, drink, cook, clean.....  You know the cycle.  Everyday.  My life was so hectic that I was starting to drink and drive.  Not much.  One or two before dinner, eat, then do the running around. My daughter would give me shit, get in the car and worry all the way to our destination because I had a drink.  I'd tell her to relax.  I was fine.  I was "allowed" to have a drink an hour.  Only 20 year olds can't have alcohol in their system when they are driving.  WTF!  Really?  What kind of mother convinces her kids that it's okay to have a drink (or two) and drive? The more I drank, the busier my life was....but that was "normal".  Noise, noise and more noise.  We lived in a loud, chaotic home...."normal".   

NOT!!!

I've had so many opportunities and so many event happen to me in the last two months that have shown me that THAT was not normal!

My intention today is "ENLIGHTENMENT".  I will post it later.  But boy, it's about time I'm hit with this word.

There's so much I want to write about!  But damn, my life is busy!  I don't know how I managed doing it all with booze in my life.....





(If you're interested in seeing my intentions on my personal Instagram account, send me a message and I'll send you a link.  I don't have it on my Website because of pictures of me and my kids.)

...an Intention on Abundance

Today I set an intention on abundance! I have come to the realization that I am truly blessed. For a long time, I was seeking more of something...more money, a better home, better this, better that... And only when I live in the present moment...can I truly see that my life is already filled with so many blessings. I've changed my whole thought pattern and I am now practicing living in the present moment on a daily basis. I really do have everything I need. It's not about wanting more material things for me anymore. It's about appreciating my true-self...the love I give and receive from others....and living in the present moment. I attract success and abundance in my life because that is who I am! 

Manitoulin Island 2014

...on Living Sober (Chapter 3)

Just working on my book study on "Living Sober."  The link to the PDF file of this book is on the side bar.  You are welcome to read this book with me and comment on my posts (called on Living Sober) about the readings in the book.  I need to stay focused because I will not let my ego mind take over my soul again.

on Chapter 3...Using the 24-Hour Plan

Because alcoholism is permanent and irreversible, many of us have come to realize that we cannot make long-term promises about staying sober.  The thought of quitting forever scares many of us because we rely on alcohol in so many ways.  I strongly believe that when we learn to focus on staying sober in the moment or for one more day, it becomes much more manageable. 

Every recovering alcoholic began with one sober hour.   When we crave the drink and our heads become filled with thoughts of drinking, we can stop....breathe...and just wait.... an hour..... 

So many things can be done in that hour of pause....

-exercise
-sleep
-read
-drive
-movie
-clean
-bath
-eat
-shop
-meditate
-call a friend
-call a sponsor


...and when that hour is up....why not try one more?  What have we got to lose?  What have we got to gain?  We can start it fresh at any time.  We can decide right then not to take a drink during the forthcoming 24 hours.  We are empowered to continually renew ourselves, one moment at a time.  ...and if we choose to be present during that sober hour, we focus.  We try living in the now just in order to stay sober—and it works.  Once the idea has become a part of our thinking, we find that living life in 24-hour segments is very effective and satisfying.

I am learning to breathe and live in the present moment.   When I crave the drink, I pour myself a class of ice cold water.  I suck it back like there's no tomorrow.  I feel the coldness of the water go down my body and I know that it is good.....  I then do something from the above list and focus on the task at hand....one hour at a time....one moment at a time.

"

...an Intention on Love

Today, I set an intention on love!  

I will attract loving people into my life because I am a loving and loveable person.

I love who I am.

When I look in the mirror and see myself, I see the outer person but that's not who I am.

I am greater than that and knowing this...

Brings me so much joy and contentment.

This flower was part of a bouquet I found in the trash!

...checking in

I'm here....so very happily sober!!!   I've been super busy with my kids but will be blogging this weekend.  
Have a lovely day!
xo

...on Finding Happiness

Gosh!  When the mind plays tricks on you, it sure does a good job!  

After my horrible day yesterday, I went and dreamt that I got drunk!  It started with the first drink.  I was so mad that I decided to have one Ceasar with my dinner.   I was mad at myself because I had just written a blog post on not picking up that first drink.   Here's my dream....my nightmare.....

I figured that since I had a drink, I had already blown my sober days so I ended up ....drinking .... more of course!  I got wasted! I was at a party with friends.  I remember seeing my sister in the background.  The one who is so proud of me for quitting because she knows I've been struggling for so many years.    The look on her face.....total disappointment and disgust.  I kept telling her ...sorry...it's the only way I feel happy , like I won a million bucks, happy!   It's the only way I know how to have any fun!

I woke up suddenly and wondered why I had this dreams.  I've always believed that my dreams come to me to help me deal with something or to help me discover something about myself.

Last week, my son asked me "When was the last time you were happy, like you just won a million dollars happy?"   I have been struggling with this question for a few days now.   Truth is, I don't really know when I felt that happy....euphoric happy.  I was upset at first for him asking me that, and had to pause for a long time, and not react.   I've been happy damn it!  I've been working my ass off to be happy!  I may not be screaming for joy happy 24 hours a day but by golly, I'm doing good?   I quit drinking!  I run around the house to play tag with them, and hide-and-go-seek,.   I take them out on adventures when I can.   I'm friggen happy!  How can they not see that?

Kids ...they just want us to be happy...all day and all night.... My kids have very high expectations of me.....and sometimes it's draining.   Maybe they are just use to the "drunk, happier-than-shit" mom who let them get away with whatever they wanted because she was too busy in her own little world to discipline and work with them.  Maybe they just need time to get use to the new me...the quieter me, who now is imposing respect rules and bedtime routines into their lives.   Maybe, I just need to be okay with the discomfort for a while, and hope they realize that I'm doing the best I can, and that I love them unconditionally.   One day, I just know it, they will thank me for this new change...this new mommy.

As of now, I've decided to make it my personal mission to find that happy, euphoric feeling again....without alcohol.  As I keep reading my spiritual books and prayers, I am 100% confident that it will come to me....

...on Doing Too Much

I've been trying to get off of my anti-depressants...and holy shit....I feel like I'm losing it.   I haven't had a pill since last weekend and today was the day that I realized that I just may not be ready for that.  My kids have been rude.  They don't listen.  I've been snapping.  They've been snapping.  Patrick asked when was the last time I was happy...he says...like really happy, like you won a million dollars.  Kelly asked if I loved them.

I don't get it!   Why can't I just stop taking these stupid little pills.  I have found some sort of peace and serenity over the last couple of months.  I stopped drinking.  I've become more spiritual.  I should be able to be calmer during the storms of my life ....but today....proved me wrong.

Is this me losing it....or my mind playing tricks on me?  I don't know what to think anymore.  Am I asking too much from my kids?  Like, I just want them to go to bed at regular times and be ready for school on time.  I just want them to stop fighting and be happy.  Am I asking too much from myself?  

The fact is ...I just don't want to be on anti-depressants anymore.  I want to be able to feel whole again.  I was there last week....but today I'm lost.  I don't want a drink or anything like that.  But I do know that in order to survive, right now, at this time of my life, I need to take the pill.

Am I trying to do too much?  Probably.  Being off the pill for the week has brought me back to my dark place...and for some friggen reason, I'm having a very hard time getting out of it.  It probably doesn't help that it's winter here and we are experiencing over -30 celcius temperatures.  I'm having a really hard time finding any joy out of that!  I want to hibernate!