...on Doing Too Much

I've been trying to get off of my anti-depressants...and holy shit....I feel like I'm losing it.   I haven't had a pill since last weekend and today was the day that I realized that I just may not be ready for that.  My kids have been rude.  They don't listen.  I've been snapping.  They've been snapping.  Patrick asked when was the last time I was happy...he says...like really happy, like you won a million dollars.  Kelly asked if I loved them.

I don't get it!   Why can't I just stop taking these stupid little pills.  I have found some sort of peace and serenity over the last couple of months.  I stopped drinking.  I've become more spiritual.  I should be able to be calmer during the storms of my life ....but today....proved me wrong.

Is this me losing it....or my mind playing tricks on me?  I don't know what to think anymore.  Am I asking too much from my kids?  Like, I just want them to go to bed at regular times and be ready for school on time.  I just want them to stop fighting and be happy.  Am I asking too much from myself?  

The fact is ...I just don't want to be on anti-depressants anymore.  I want to be able to feel whole again.  I was there last week....but today I'm lost.  I don't want a drink or anything like that.  But I do know that in order to survive, right now, at this time of my life, I need to take the pill.

Am I trying to do too much?  Probably.  Being off the pill for the week has brought me back to my dark place...and for some friggen reason, I'm having a very hard time getting out of it.  It probably doesn't help that it's winter here and we are experiencing over -30 celcius temperatures.  I'm having a really hard time finding any joy out of that!  I want to hibernate!