....on Quitting Again and Again and Again.....

I found an old journal that I started in 2007.  It's a sober journal dedicated to my daughter....

I read some of it tonight and can't help but be amazed that I've been struggling with this addiction for so many years.  

A couple of times this weekend, my mind tried to tell me that I probably couldn't NOT drink for the rest of my life.    I struggled with the thoughts for a few hours.....  I let the thoughts pass....but it was tough.   Do I really want to quit drinking forever?  

After reading some more of my journal, I realize that every time I picked up again was because my mind....my thoughts.... my ego.....all magically took over my life and convinced me to do so......

I wasn't mindful back then.  I wasn't spirit.  I was just living day to day....trying to survive, trying to break free from stress, trying to figure out who I was, trying to be a great single mom.

I think I tried to quit at least 8 times from that first entry to the last one.....dated 2009.  

So...when I ask myself if I really have a drinking problem or could I handle not having a drink for the rest of my life, I kinda have to say...shit man....I do have a drinking problem and yes I can quit forever....one day at a time.

I'm done fighting with this alcoholic demon inside of me.   I'm done.  My little girl is 13 years old now.  Soon she will be facing peer pressures and booze and drugs and all the other shit we went through.  I have to show her what a strong woman looks like so that she can imitate me as she grows up.  

March 2007  Kelly's hand at 5 years old