After my horrible day yesterday, I went and dreamt that I got drunk! It started with the first drink. I was so mad that I decided to have one Ceasar with my dinner. I was mad at myself because I had just written a blog post on not picking up that first drink. Here's my dream....my nightmare.....
I figured that since I had a drink, I had already blown my sober days so I ended up ....drinking .... more of course! I got wasted! I was at a party with friends. I remember seeing my sister in the background. The one who is so proud of me for quitting because she knows I've been struggling for so many years. The look on her face.....total disappointment and disgust. I kept telling her ...sorry...it's the only way I feel happy , like I won a million bucks, happy! It's the only way I know how to have any fun!
I woke up suddenly and wondered why I had this dreams. I've always believed that my dreams come to me to help me deal with something or to help me discover something about myself.
Last week, my son asked me "When was the last time you were happy, like you just won a million dollars happy?" I have been struggling with this question for a few days now. Truth is, I don't really know when I felt that happy....euphoric happy. I was upset at first for him asking me that, and had to pause for a long time, and not react. I've been happy damn it! I've been working my ass off to be happy! I may not be screaming for joy happy 24 hours a day but by golly, I'm doing good? I quit drinking! I run around the house to play tag with them, and hide-and-go-seek,. I take them out on adventures when I can. I'm friggen happy! How can they not see that?
Kids ...they just want us to be happy...all day and all night.... My kids have very high expectations of me.....and sometimes it's draining. Maybe they are just use to the "drunk, happier-than-shit" mom who let them get away with whatever they wanted because she was too busy in her own little world to discipline and work with them. Maybe they just need time to get use to the new me...the quieter me, who now is imposing respect rules and bedtime routines into their lives. Maybe, I just need to be okay with the discomfort for a while, and hope they realize that I'm doing the best I can, and that I love them unconditionally. One day, I just know it, they will thank me for this new change...this new mommy.
As of now, I've decided to make it my personal mission to find that happy, euphoric feeling again....without alcohol. As I keep reading my spiritual books and prayers, I am 100% confident that it will come to me....
Honestly, I don't think the kids ever saw us as drunk and happy. I know mine didn't.
ReplyDeleteI have yet to come across a drunk person who seems happy.
Deep and true happiness is inside you. It isn't in a book, I inow, I read them all.
One day I finally just said enough. And started treating myself like a child. Kindly, with more patience. And eventually I believed it.
The one book that did help me is Brene browns the gifts of imperfection.
She has great insight and concrete words. No one is looking for is to be super. Think how hard it would be to be the child of someone who can do it all.
They just want us to be content and real. I really believe that....
Anne