...on Love

What better way to start the month of February than to start my posts on Love!  

I'm not gonna talk about the love we get from relationships or anything like that, because the Lord knows I'm not an expert on that....  I've been divorced for almost 5 years and barely dated all that time.   When I did go through my little dating phases, it was tough.  It was tough because I don't trust people very easily.  I kept a wall up so that nobody could come in to hurt me.  I think the biggest problem, now that I reflect on the past 5 years, was that I haven't truly loved myself.

Loving oneself isn't always an easy thing to do.  We have to really look deeply at ourselves and accept everything about us, without judgment or fear.  How do we do that when we don't like the way our eyes droop, the way the wrinkles come out more and more everyday, the way our belly flab hangs over our pants, the way our hair turns grey because we are aging......  how can we truly love ourselves when we are continuously compared or judged?  

I really think we need to start by seeing past the outer stuff..... we go deep inside our souls....  we begin by loving our inner self...the one that is empowered, fearless and mindful.

You see, I truly believe we are two .... we are each divided.  We have our ego self (our thoughts) and we have our soul self (our spirit)  

Our ego self and our thoughts are not always nice.  They dwell on negativity, on the what ifs, on the cants and don'ts.  They try to convince us that we are not capable of loving ourselves.   We drink to forget about all the "stuff" that our ego is telling us.... We drink to forget that we don't like the way we look.... We drink to stop worrying about our feelings...  our feelings of self-hatred.    We drink to numb the pain.  We drink because we don't really love ourselves.

Our soul self is inner peace.  We are all spirit.  We are all connected.  Once we become the observer of our thoughts, we become capable of letting go of the ego and the thoughts.   We become the person that loves unconditionally.   We become the person that feels, that experiences, that looks in the mirror and says "wow...you are friggen beautiful".  We become capable of loving ourselves.

I see myself differently when I look in the mirror today than when I did in December.  The thing is ...I don't remember being aware of much over the last few years....and I've never even heard of mindfulness.  Becoming sober has given me the capability of becoming aware of myself..of who I am...of my thoughts.....of what I'm capable of.....of empowering myself to becoming who I really am.   Today, I look in the mirror and see a beautiful spirit.  I talk differently.  People look at me differently.  I am calm.  I am love.  I am so grateful to have been given this gift of sobriety.

I don't listen to my thoughts anymore.  I don't let them control me.... I let them pass me by....and make decisions based on what I want and need....whether my thoughts like it or not.  If I would have listened to my mind over the last 36 days, I'd be drinking my wine right now....at this moment..... and I probably wouldn't feel as healthy, strong, beautiful and spiritual.  

Am I ready to date again?   Yikes....  Sober dating will be new to me....  I'll keep  you posted on that if....a big if....I decide to try it in the near future.

For now, I am going to keep loving who I am....unconditionally