...on Acceptance

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life -unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake.  Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy.  I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.  

                                                                  -Alcoholics Anonymous 4th edition (p.417)

...on Spirituality

You may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.

                                                                      (Big Book, P. 44, 4th edition)

The main objective of the big book is to help us find a Power greater than ourselves which will solve our problems.   Most of us, hoped for so long that we were not true alcoholics.   We made excuses.  We tried moderation.  We refused to be honest with ourselves, and this lead us to destructive behaviours.... and unhealthy lifestyles.

I've learned that there are many types of alcoholics.  There are those who binge drink, weekend drinkers, everyday drinkers, closet drinkers, moderation ones, social ones, lonely drinkers, angry drinkers, happy drunks, and then there's me.... just a happy-go-lucky drinker that got sick of getting sick.  I was sick of loosing sleep.  I was sick of trying to hide my booze breath.  I was broke.  I was bloated.  I was hungover, one too many times.  I fell.  I banged my head and body around.  I was loud and annoying.  I was oblivious.  I was sick of being sick and tired.

It doesn't matter what kind of drinker you are.  If you don't feel good about what you're doing, then you may have to be honest with yourself and make the necessary changes to live a better lifestyle!  You have to take action!  You're the only one that can make the changes.  You have to discover the truth about who you really are..... and, the only way to do this, is to have a spiritual experience!

How do you have a spiritual experience?  I'm sure everyone's story is different but this is my experience.  I'm sharing in hopes to help another alcoholic find her/his way out.

1.  You pray.  

I prayed this prayer for one week before I quit drinking and I continue to pray it every time I have sudden urges to pick up a drink!

                
2.  You change your thoughts and break away from old habits.

I realized that I am not my thoughts.  I am someone greater than them.  My name is Jen, but that is not who I am.  I am a single mom, but that is not who I am.  I have started having experiences with myself on such a deeper level through stillness and calmness.  I listen more.  I see more.  I have become an observer of my thoughts instead of being involved with them.

Before I got sober, my thoughts were like wild horses running crazily through the forest, from one end of the spectrum to the other.  There was never any calmness.  Life was chaotic.  My thoughts were chaotic.  I had to learn to "tame" the wild horse.  I literally took my thoughts and visualized them going down a trail in the forest, like a tamed horse would.  I learned to keep my thoughts on the straight and narrow path.  What a life changing experience this has been for me!   If  you don't think you have the power to control your thoughts, try this exercise.  I got it from Oprah.  
Close your eyes and think of a red triangle.   Then a yellow banana.  Then a blue jay.  Think of those three objects for 5 seconds each. 

Were you able to think of them?  Then, you controlled your thoughts!  

I learned to sit in stillness and be the observer of my thoughts.  When they'd tell me to do something different than what the real me wanted to experience, I didn't listen.  I broke away from old habits.  I changed friends (easily when you join an AA group).  I drank a lot of water....iced cold water.   When I drank this, I felt it go down my oesophagus and stomach and felt my cell in my body dancing and detoxifying.  I started running, eating healthy, and started feeling alive again, after all these years of not feeling anything .....really.

3.  You read.

I read, and read, and read....as much as I could.  I was told about great books to read, and I listened.  Everything I read, I applied to my life.  I listened to the little whispers and life messages that I could take from the readings.  "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer changed my life.   I will add a tab at the top of my blog of all of the great books I've read.  I think it will be helpful to many.

4.  You live every day in Love and Acceptance.

I decided that every morning I would accept and love whatever comes my way that day.  I say "God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.  Amen."  I tell Him that I surrender and understand that whatever comes my way, is there for a reason.  I take it all in, accept it (some things are easier than others) and try to find joy and love out of everything.  I look at people differently now.  I look at people in a whole new way.   Most people are doing the best the can, with what they know.  ...so why not accept that.  I avoid the negative ones, that will affect my mood but I accept that that's who they are.  I love everyone.  I don't assume anymore.  I don't take things personally as much.  I do my best and I am careful with my words.  The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz was another great read...short and sweet!

5.  You make choices.

We are so empowered!  We are given the ability to choose!  We are given the ability to make choices that will heal us.  I read this quote from the Internet and saved it to my phone a few months ago:  

You have a choice.  Between B (birth) and D (death) there is C (choice).  We can't create or destroy energy but we can transform it.  We have a choice either to transform our negative energy into positive energy....to live with peace and happiness or we can allow it to destroy us mentally and physically.  We struggle with negative thoughts and wish they would end not realizing that the choice and power to transform them to positive thoughts lies in our own mind.

I make a choice everyday!  I choose to live my life very differently than I did 6 months ago!  I love waking up and feeling alive and healthy!  I am grateful for all that I have!   I choose to live in love and happiness.  I choose happiness.  I choose to live a healthy lifestyle.  I choose to be the best I can be.  I choose to not drink!  It's a choice.  A daily choice.  One day at a time.

My morning line:  EVERYTHING I NEED SHALL BE PROVIDED TODAY!

6.  You let yourself heal.

This was a big one for me.  I had to realize that being sober isn't just about not drinking anymore.  It's about feeling the feelings that come along on a daily basis.  "Feeling" the feelings.  ...anger, sadness, insecurities, loneliness, joy, content, fear.... I can't numb them anymore so I have to feel.... I have to feel them and let them pass through me.  I had to stop holding on the these feelings because they would get stuck, right at the bottom of my gut and I lived with them on a daily basis.  I drank to numb the feelings.  I drank to numb the pain.  Now, I don't drink so I have to feel the feelings.   It's not easy at times and it definitely takes some getting use to.  I had to heal a lot of the pain I felt from my past experiences and let them go.  It takes a lot of work, on a daily basis.  I sleep more.  I allow myself to cry.   I accept how I feel.  But, I don't drink to avoid them anymore.  I'm healing.  I'm accepting.  I'm letting go.  Today, I'm conscious!  I'm aware of the feelings.  I let them flow through me and I let them all go.  I give them all away to my Higher Power.  On a daily basis.  I let them go.   Why do I want to hang on to all of that?  Nonsense!  Our past does not define who we are today.  They are just experiences that brought us here.  We take the lessons from those past experiences and learn from the ones we want to learn from. 

We can choose to 

-let them go and be at peace     or 

-hold on to them and live in fear.  

We have that choice!   It's time to heal, isn't it?  Find a bowl, put the past in it, lift it up to your higher power, and ask him to release you from these burdens!  Try it!  You have nothing to lose!!

Getting sober is probably one of the hardest things I have done in my life.  It isn't easy and there are still times where I wonder if I'll be able to do it forever!  Our world is surrounded with alcohol and people that drink.  People, places and things......  = alcohol.  We will always have an excuse to drink....or a "good" reason to get sloshed.  Always.  When we believe this, our horse is running wild and our ego head is in control.  Find your inner self.  Let it be in control.

When we stop listening to our thoughts, we can find the power within us to fight off the demons of addiction and find the spiritual experiences we are all searching for.  They are all within us already!   Sit in stillness, tame the horse and you will hear it... you will feel it.... you will see it......you will experience it.....

...on a Big Book Lesson

... We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning.

...unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery. 

Part of my recovery is working with the AA membership and program.  I am tremendously grateful for having found this program and the many new sober friends that I've met recently.  I understand that there are many out there who don't believe in AA and many may have found their own way of recovering from this incredible disease.   I only write these post in hopes to help somebody out there who may be suffering!  We are all on a path to recovery and this is my spiritual journey.

I've decided to read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (4th edition).  I received the book in 2007, when I first realized that I may have a drinking problem and hit rock bottom.   After several attempts at trying to quit on my own terms, nothing seemed to work.  I've always kept the book close by, knowing that one day, I just may have to delve into it.

I picked the two quotes above to write about today because I feel such a strong connection to them.  This is exactly how my healing began.   My recovery program hasn't been just about me....not drinking.   It's about learning to live my life in a whole new way!

Of course, it begins with not picking up that first drink, even in those crazy times when I feel like I need it the most.   That in itself sometimes takes so much work and honestly sucks the life out of me at times.  It's not easy.....   especially when my friends are drinking on a regular basis..... especially, with summer around the corner. ...  especially when I feel overwhelmed with stress from work or kids or bills or weight.....

There will always be an excuse or reason to drink.  Always.  The insane thing about it, is that for years, I've allowed my excuses to keep me drunk.    " I worked hard today and I'm exhausted... I'm getting drunk tonight"....  OMG ... What an insane excuse to drink.   or  "My ex is such an asshole.  He refused to pick up the kids today...  I'm getting drunk cause I'm so pissed off right now"...   Insane.

 The truth is.... there is never a good excuse to drink or get totally sloshed.  I understand that people drink during social events and can have a couple of drinks here and there, but when you think you have a drinking problem, this just doesn't work!  We make our "good" excuses why we should or could pick up that first drink, drink our asses off, feel like shit, and the cycle begins.  Why do we do that to ourselves?  Why on Earth would I want to continue this crazy cycle of feeling like shit, not sleeping, being unhealthy....  when I have the power to stop it?  Insane thinking, that's what it is!

My recovery is about learning who I am, without the alcohol.   This is called freedom.  Freedom!    It's about discovering that my mind is such a powerful thing.   The mind.   The thing that guides us, unknowingly, along our journey in life.  It never stops talking to you!  It will tell you things that you think you want to hear, even if they will harm you.  It will convince you that your excuses to drink are good ones!  The mind is such a powerful tool.  We have to stop giving it the power!  The only way to do that, is to sit still and quiet the mind.

It took me 44 years to quiet my mind!  44 years before I learned that sitting still in a quiet setting was okay!  Try it!  Sit in a quiet room for 10 minutes.  It's friggen amazing!

You see, when I drank, I had not one second of calmness and stillness.  My life was chaotic, loud and non-stop.  I thought it was normal!

It's only when I began to sit in stillness that I realized that my mind was in a constant chatter.    I realize that I had a lot more power than I thought I had.  I learned to be okay in stillness.  I learned that I didn't have to listen to my mind.  I learned that I'm just the observer of my thoughts and sometimes those thoughts are gone off on a wild tangent!  This is the psychic change that is mentioned in the quote above.   Our thoughts have to change in order for recovery to happen!  

Everyone who is looking to recover will take a different journey.  I'm loving my journey today.  I believe that God (my Higher Power) has given me a miracle.  He lifted the burden of the constant craving for alcohol.  (see Prayer in labels)   I'm not sure how this happens!  But, I like it and I'm grateful.

I am still learning.  I'm learning to be okay in the stillness.  I'm learning to accept the things I cannot change.  I'm learning to be at peace and most of all, I'm learning to love myself again (like I did when I was a kid).  One day at a time.

...on the Big Book

I've decided to start studying AA, The Big Book.  I have to do something!  I've only been sober for 16 days now and I find my mind wandering off quite often, bringing me back to my old thoughts of ...."I can drink.  I work hard.  Why shouldn't I be able to have a couple of glasses of wine while I cook supper?  Why shouldn't I go out with my buddies and have a few cocktails?  Everyone else does it, and they don't have a "problem".  I'm not that bad of a drunk.  I'm happy.  I haven't done anything illegal....no drinking and driving, not jail time.  I haven't really hurt anyone physically while I was drinking.  I don't black-out (anymore)"

All these crazy ass thoughts brought me to the end of my last two journeys of sobriety.  Was I happier when I listened to my voices?  Naw.  I'm back here again, fighting for my sobriety.   Fighting the damn voice that's trying to convince me to pick up a drink.   It's so damn exhausting.

I follow several blogs and Facebook groups.  I sit back and wonder how on earth do people quit drinking for days, months or even years!   How can I quit something I love so much?  I love it!  I mean, I love the feeling of numbness, like I can take on the world.  I love the relaxation part of it too.  And, I love having fun with it.  I don't like hangovers and losing sleep but that's part of the deal.   Years ago (13), I loved smoking too...I quit that habit.   Wasn't easy.  But drinking......Geez....it's all I had left to hang on to!

Here's what I learned today, from my reading.  We (us...me and you) are binded by this powerful cement that holds us together simply because we understand all the shit we are writing and reading about.  We (us...me and you) get it.  We understand that our lives could be so much better without the constant thought of booze or getting our next fix.  We understand that drinking has taken over our thoughts, our lives.  We understand that we feel like shit when we drink now, guilty, unhealthy....and we are tired of it!  We are support.  We are love.  To help just one person that is struggling with addiction would be the best feeling anyone could possibly have.   And we do just that....help each other.   People, who aren't in our shoes, who don't understand our struggles, aren't supportive and often ask us why we are giving up our drink.  If someone had cancer, they would receive all the support and love they would need from their loved ones, to get through their difficult time.  But not "us".  Our disease isn't viewed as a disease by many.  And only "we" can fully understand one another.

Elimination of alcohol is only but a beginning in our lives.  It's the beginning of our will to live in the present moment, without blurred vision.  Our biggest problem is our mind!  It's not our body.  And, because our mind is constantly working, creating good thoughts and bad thoughts for us, it's sometimes difficult to remember what we are fighting for.   Every moment of the day should be spent being aware of our thoughts and if we can remember that our thoughts are just that....thoughts, then we may be able to remember why we are trying to recover and heal our lives.

Seeing other people's stories of sobriety,  having quit and survived for days, months or years, brings us hope.

We really do only have two choices:

1.  to continue on to the bitter end, living our life in a fog to avoid the outside circumstances of our existence or
2. to accept spiritual help because we want to and we are willing to make the effort.

....I'll stick with #2 for a while