...on the Big Book

I've decided to start studying AA, The Big Book.  I have to do something!  I've only been sober for 16 days now and I find my mind wandering off quite often, bringing me back to my old thoughts of ...."I can drink.  I work hard.  Why shouldn't I be able to have a couple of glasses of wine while I cook supper?  Why shouldn't I go out with my buddies and have a few cocktails?  Everyone else does it, and they don't have a "problem".  I'm not that bad of a drunk.  I'm happy.  I haven't done anything illegal....no drinking and driving, not jail time.  I haven't really hurt anyone physically while I was drinking.  I don't black-out (anymore)"

All these crazy ass thoughts brought me to the end of my last two journeys of sobriety.  Was I happier when I listened to my voices?  Naw.  I'm back here again, fighting for my sobriety.   Fighting the damn voice that's trying to convince me to pick up a drink.   It's so damn exhausting.

I follow several blogs and Facebook groups.  I sit back and wonder how on earth do people quit drinking for days, months or even years!   How can I quit something I love so much?  I love it!  I mean, I love the feeling of numbness, like I can take on the world.  I love the relaxation part of it too.  And, I love having fun with it.  I don't like hangovers and losing sleep but that's part of the deal.   Years ago (13), I loved smoking too...I quit that habit.   Wasn't easy.  But drinking......Geez....it's all I had left to hang on to!

Here's what I learned today, from my reading.  We (us...me and you) are binded by this powerful cement that holds us together simply because we understand all the shit we are writing and reading about.  We (us...me and you) get it.  We understand that our lives could be so much better without the constant thought of booze or getting our next fix.  We understand that drinking has taken over our thoughts, our lives.  We understand that we feel like shit when we drink now, guilty, unhealthy....and we are tired of it!  We are support.  We are love.  To help just one person that is struggling with addiction would be the best feeling anyone could possibly have.   And we do just that....help each other.   People, who aren't in our shoes, who don't understand our struggles, aren't supportive and often ask us why we are giving up our drink.  If someone had cancer, they would receive all the support and love they would need from their loved ones, to get through their difficult time.  But not "us".  Our disease isn't viewed as a disease by many.  And only "we" can fully understand one another.

Elimination of alcohol is only but a beginning in our lives.  It's the beginning of our will to live in the present moment, without blurred vision.  Our biggest problem is our mind!  It's not our body.  And, because our mind is constantly working, creating good thoughts and bad thoughts for us, it's sometimes difficult to remember what we are fighting for.   Every moment of the day should be spent being aware of our thoughts and if we can remember that our thoughts are just that....thoughts, then we may be able to remember why we are trying to recover and heal our lives.

Seeing other people's stories of sobriety,  having quit and survived for days, months or years, brings us hope.

We really do only have two choices:

1.  to continue on to the bitter end, living our life in a fog to avoid the outside circumstances of our existence or
2. to accept spiritual help because we want to and we are willing to make the effort.

....I'll stick with #2 for a while