Day 9

I am so tired today.  Going back to work after two weeks off and one of them being a sober week is a little tough on the body.  I almost felt sick.  I wondered if people would notice or see me as a different person.  I wondered if people would ask what I did during the holidays.  It actually kept me up last night.   Do I tell my friends that I quit drinking again?  Do I just stand back and let everyone else share their stories?  I was exhausted on the way to work, just thinking about all the things I was thinking about.  Our mind really does go off on a tangent all the time, doesn't it?  

Anyhow, I survived the day.  I was quiet.  I stayed to myself mostly and listened to others tell about their drunken New Years Eve stories and more.  I was so excited to get home, slap on some PJs and watch TV. 

While I was leaving work, my friend....aka drunk buddy....stopped me and asked if I wanted to go for wings and beer........argh!!!  bleep!!!  shit!!!!!  Hell yes...I wanted to.....but I also didn't!   

I said ...well J....I quit drinking and I'm really tired today...I just want to go home.

She said...okay...well, we don't have to drink....

argh!!  bleep!!!  Shit!!!!  yeah right J....take me out for wings and lets not have beer....  Ain't gonna happen!

I just told her I really wanted to get home.  I was exhausted and it was so damn cold outside.  

I felt bad for blowing her off because we are like two peas in a pod....one asks, the other just does.  

I made it home...made a healthy dinner and am really trying to keep my eyes open at this point in time.  I want to sleep so badly but I don't want another sleepless night....so I'll stay awake until at least 10pm....maybe soak in the tub.

It's hard eh?   I don't have many friends.   I'm a single 43 year old mom.  Most of my friends are married and have their own lives.  Most of my friends drink.  I do enjoy being alone at home, but I just don't want to seclude myself from the world either.  I've been doing that for 9 days now.  I'll give myself up to 14 days ...two weeks of sobriety.  Then, I'm gonna put myself out there.  Ask people to get together to do "alcohol-free" activities.  I should have my energy levels back  by then, and I know I want that fun-loving me to step out of my skin, without the drink.  

In the meantime, I'm working on learning "mindfulness"  I read a part in a book this morning that described my mind to a T.   My mind is like a wild horse....erratic and out-of-control.  If I don't tame it soon...I will lose the damn thing.  And we don't want that to happen, now do we?  

I started my search on "mindfulness" watching this video.  It amazed me to hear this man teach me how to live more in the present moment.  I can't wait to learn more.