Day 8 Reflection

In 2008, I went to rehab.  I blamed my husband for putting me there.  I blamed him for my drinking.  Heck!  The more I drank, the less I had to listen to his bullshit.  I hit rock bottom way back then and the day I passed out at the toilet and woke up with my 3 year old sitting on me was when I got scared.  I mean, I was really worried.  I wasn't drunk though.  I was hungover....so hungover that I couldn't walk without puking my guts out.  I'm positive I had alcohol poisoning.  I knew I had a problem and wanted to fix it.  

Rehab didn't do much for me.  I really didn't fit in.  Everyone smoked and gathered outside in their little clicks.  Most of their "drug of choice" was really drugs.  Some of them went to jail and broke the law and all kinds of stories.  I was just a gal who liked her booze and sometimes overdid it.  I don't know....maybe I just wasn't really ready to quit.  

The best lesson I learned from rehab was that I had to be okay with not getting my own way sometimes.  I asked my counsellor if I could go to the store to get a case of water.  I was desperate.  She would let others go to the store for cigarettes but when I asked her she said no.  Just like that.....no!  I pleaded with her and even cried because I needed water so badly but she wouldn't let me go.  I left her room feeling deprived and mistreated. 

Who did this lady think she was...saying no to me.  I just wanted some damn bottled water.  Healthy, clean water.....  It just didn't make sense to me.  I had to drink water from the tap....gag 

I survived rehab for the rest of my stay.  I worked the steps.  I let go of some of the resentments I felt from my past.  I realized that my life was a lot better than some of the other people in there. 

When I was ready to leave, my counsellor came to me and said...do you want to know why I said you couldn't go to the store to get water.  I said...sure.  She said ...because maybe it wasn't meant for you to go to the store then.  I just smiled, hugged her, and got the hell out of there. 

I only stayed sober for about 30 days way back then.  I wasn't really ready and committed to my recovery.  I also didn't really feel like I had that big of a problem.  Part of me thought I could control my urges to drink.  Part of me thought I could drink in moderation.  Part of me didn't want to "not drink" for the rest of my life.

I think back to the comment my counsellor said...maybe it wasn't meant for you to go to the store then.... and I can see her message now.  It makes me think of times I'm stuck in traffic and my kids say...why is it taking so long?  I reply...be patient honey...maybe we aren't meant to be further ahead on our drive.  Maybe if we are in control of the situation, we won't be where God wants us to be.  We must let go of that control and really let God take over our lives sometimes.  I try to tell my kids to let things go... there are some things that are beyond our control.  We have to believe that our Higher Power is controlling things for us.  We have to live according to His will and not our own.  I've always believed in God.  I just never really took the time to listen to Him.