...on Being Grateful

I woke up this morning feeling grateful....so very grateful for this gift I have discovered...this gift of sobriety....this gift of mindfulness....this gift of living in the present.

It's great isn't it?  If you have been sober for more than a few days, you probably know exactly what I mean.  If you haven't been here yet, you don't know what you're missing.  

We can look at alcoholism in two ways.  We can look at it as a gift or we can look at it as pain.  When we are stuck in it...it's painful.  But, when we overcome it...and discover the other side, it's such an amazing gift.

If I wasn't an alcoholic, I don't think I'd see my life and blessings as I see them today.  I have done so much soul searching, reading, journalling, and learning about who I am and what makes me happy in the past month, I sometimes wish I would have learned all these things years ago.  I feel more alive today then I did when I was 20 or 30 or even 40!

This weekend was probably one of the first times that I was really sober...

...it wasn't just about "not drinking", it was about me..... living in the present moment....listening to others with a quiet and peaceful mind.

I sat back and watched people this weekend....my four beautiful sisters, their partners.... and my parents.  I just watched them....and I listened......and took in all their behaviours.  Wow!  What a sight to see!  Sitting back quietly helped me see things that I have missed all my life because I drank every time we got together.  I don't think any of them were living in the present.   Heck!  I never lived in the present either.   Everyone was so focused on stressful stuff...the little things that don't really matter.   Bitching and complaining and worried about things that only the outside world could do to them.  A few were into the booze...numbing their bodies to be someone different.  I don't even know if they were grateful for us being all together in one little apartment.    Being present, in this beautiful place I have discovered...brought me so much calmness and gratitude for my life.  I feel alive again.  I feel happy.  I am healthier than ever.   I feel blessed.  

If I wasn't an alcoholic, I really don't think I'd have discovered this amazing gift.  The last umpteen times I tried to quit drinking, I just quit drinking.   I didn't feel happy or prepared.  I felt angry at the outside world for telling me I was an alcoholic and I couldn't have another drink for the rest of my life.  I was pissed off when all the daily stresses occurred in my life and felt like I deserved a drink cause I worked for it.   All those time,  I refused to understand that to really quit drinking is not just about letting go of that bottle......it's about so much more.  It's about learning who you are.  It's about making changes to daily routines.  It's about living in the present and being grateful for so many things in my life.  It's about loving myself and accepting myself as a beautiful person and human being.  It's about letting God guide me instead of trying to control everything.  It's about loving my soul and my spirit.  God, I am blessed!!

The meditation I read this morning in "The Language of Letting Go"  by Melody Beattie was on gratitude.... of all things.  It reminded me of how we are faced with challenges, conflicts and stress on a daily basis.  We can wake up in the morning feeling super great and by evening, we are so full of stress and anxiety from all of the bullshit we have faced and dealt with during the day.  The differences in how I handle all of that stress now, is in how I react to it.... the new me keeps me grounded....keeps me focused on the present, helps me learn to breathe through the stress, helps me let go and deal with it calmly, keeps me aware that it's just the outside world that is in turmoil... and I don't have to let it affect my inside world.....

When I reflect on my weekend, spent with my siblings and parents, I can only hope that one day, they find the gifts that I have found....