...on my Daughter

I brought my daughter to her "High School to be..." open house.   Ouch!  It hurt.  I was emotional....I'm not gonna lie.  My little girl is starting high school next year.  Gosh, floods of memories from my high school days passed me by ...some more pleasant than others.

Life just flies by...in the blink of an eye.

As I watched her excitement grow throughout the night, I did some reflecting.  I reflected on our relationship.  I was probably not always the best mom at times...ya know...not perfect.

My daughter always despised the fact that I drank.  Every time I would try to hide it from her, she knew.  She watched me.....  It probably didn't help that her father bashed me about my drinking and told her I was a bad person for drinking.  It probably didn't help that I puked my guts out in front of her once (2 years ago).  It probably didn't help that I relied on booze to "relax" me after a long day at work.  She became very withdrawn from me during the last year and I really don't blame her.  I've been doing things in front of her that make her feel uncomfortable.  She went to counselling last year for anxieties.  She told the counsellor that she didn't like it when I drank because it made her feel alone, like she didn't have a mother to rely on.  It made her worry about everything and kinda made her feel like she had to take on the mother role.  

I was astonished that she would say such a thing.  Truth is I only had a couple of glasses of wine or a couple of beers on most nights.  I only got really drinking if I had my drinking buddies over or if they were at their dad's house for the night.  She knew though....every time.  She would avoid calling me and I was just oblivious to this.  I brushed off her worries about my drinking and decided that it was her problem.  Not mine.  She'd just have to accept the fact that I was old enough to make my own decisions.  I was doing a great job at controlling it and I was "always" responsible.

Many of my friends and family members blame my kids for making me feel guilty about my drinking.  They say things like....are you gonna let them control you?  Don't let the kids make you feel guilty...it's not like you're getting drunk.... 

And, yes...I listened to my friends and family, over my own kids.    It's a natural thing I would think...  I'm the adult.  You're the kids.  You can't tell me what to do.  I love you.  I do everything for you.  This is my time.

I often wondered if God sent me my children as a gift to me....a gift to guide and help me become a better person.....or maybe they are angels, sent from Heaven to help me to be strong and free.... to help me find the power to recover from this addiction that could eventually take over my life or kill me.  If they weren't such pain in the asses about my drinking, I'd probably be drunk right now.  But, they make me want to be sober and alive and healthy.  I want them to learn that they can fight for anything they want in their lives.   I want them to discover their true spirit and strive for happiness.

I was recently told about a great book called "The Conscious Parent" by Dr. Shefali Tsabary.  I began reading it yesterday and got to watch a few videos on YouTube.  She was featured on Oprah's Lifeclass.

Wowzers!  What a great time for me to read this book.  This lady emphasizes on the fact that our children are sent to us to teach us a lesson.  They are sent to us to guide us and help us with something we are dealing with from our own childhood.  She couldn't be more right!!

My parents both drank so much and I hated it!  I felt like the parent more often then a kid.  It was always a stressful environment.  They were miserable.  They were selfish.  I wasn't validated.  I wasn't guided.  Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and know they did the best they could with what they know.   I've dealt with that aspect and have forgiven them.  It just drives me nuts that I've become them.

I can only move forward from here.  I'm addicted to reading....reading ....reading.  I'm addicted to learning more and more everyday on ways to stay sober, ways to be a better mom, ways to live in the present, ways to be mindful... 

I'm loving sobriety.  Day 17