...on Recovery @ Day 200

There's something about this number that gets me excited about being sober for this long.  I'm not sure what it is.....  double the 100 Day Challenge maybe..... -first time I've been sober for this long maybe.... -closer to 1 year sober maybe.....  I'm just so grateful to be here, celebrating 200 days of sobriety.

Recovery in the beginning was just a word that meant it's time for me to stop drinking and get healthy again.  As I read blogs and articles, I'm discovering so much more.

I love this definition of recovery.  

...to return to the original self

This brings me back to being a child.  My original self, before I picked up a drink was full of hope, life and love.  She didn't know that alcohol would rob her of so much beauty in the world.  She didn't know that alcohol would make her sick and tired.  She thought it was normal to drink everyday because that's what she saw.

It's kinda hard for me to think about going back to my original self because as a child, I lived in fear, guilt and anxieties.  I was surrounded by a world full of resentment, anger and shame.   I have vague memories of my childhood and I'll tell you, they aren't the best ones.  

But when I look at a baby and think about a newborn child coming into this world, this definition makes so much sense to me.  It's exactly where I need to go.   A baby comes into this world full of love, joy and hope.  They are filled with contentment and the universe loves them.  They know no judgement and they aren't judged.  They have courage and face their fears.   They learn and discover all that surrounds them.  They have no guilt or shame.  They just live.... in the moment, without worrying about what everyone else thinks.  

I am so blessed to have an opportunity to really watch my children today.   I've always watched them and guided them, but today I see them through sober eyes and it's so very different.   I see the love, hope and joy in their lives and it makes me want to go right there... where they are.   My kids live in the moment.   I am learning so much from them.  They are my greatest teachers in this lifetime.  They are teaching me to go back to my original self.  

...on Celebrating!

Half of a Year!  I can't believe that I've been sober for half of a year.  Yesterday, I celebrated my 6 month soberversary!   It was my own quiet celebration but it was there.... in me.

My son also had a celebration yesterday too... his 11th birthday party.  I had 7 boys run around my home for the afternoon until about 3 am.....  They are sleeping.  I am blogging.  This is my favourite time of the day.

The staff at work had a celebration Friday too....  end of year drinks at the restaurant nearby.   I didn't go.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post, but I want to say that I love being free to choose my celebrations.

Every year I throw birthday parties for my kids.  Truthfully, it was a great time for me to drink!  An excuse.  My thoughts were "OMG.  There's too many kids running around.  I need a drink."   Kids were busy.  I drank.  Alone.  I numbed myself so that I didn't have to listen to the chaosness.   The problem with this is that I never had the opportunity to listen to the joy that the kids were experiencing either.  I was so caught up in my obsession.  I was too busy... drinking... making sure that nobody got hurt because I couldn't drive anyone anywhere.... feeling stressed about the chaos of having kids mess the house or get loud.  I was plain miserable and so very stressed!  

Yesterday's party was the best one ever!  I watched they boys play, scream, mess the house up, and live in the moment.  I loved every second of it.  I was calm.  My sister came over and kept asking me what was wrong.  She said "I don't know how you handle it".  She's so use to me feeling irritable in these situations and uptight about all of the action because that's how I was living my life.  I was irritable!  I was loud!  I was stressed out!  All the time!  Not just at birthday parties!  Everyday, people could see and feel the stress around my Being!   But, things have changed for me.  I don't think she likes the new me very much.  It's not the first time she's mentioned that I "seem" different.  But I am!  I am so happy and it's coming from the inside out.  It's a "quiet" happy.  It's freedom.

I chose not to go out with the staff after work on Friday.  I could have went, and had a pop.  But, I didn't.  I don't feel connected to most of them anymore.... not like I use to be.  The connection was all alcohol related.  We use to have monthly "choir" practices at someone's home, get all shit-faced and feel like crap for a whole day.... well, I did anyway.  Looking back, I was probably the only one who puked her face off at someone's home, pass out on the bathroom floor, dance with the dog, yell, scream, get rowdy, take off her shirt.  That was me!  All of the above.

Or, that was the person I thought I was.  I thought I was just..... normal.  But I wasn't.  I wasn't my true self at those parties.  I was being someone else so that I could feel like I "fit in".  I wanted to be cool.  I wanted to be loved.  I wanted people to accept me and love me and think I was the funnest person at the party.  I wanted people to see me as strong, fun, cool, happy.......  And, they did.  They'd say things like...
-That was the best party ever!
-Can't have a party without you!
-Are you gonna be there tonight?
-You were so funny last night!
-OMG, remember when you ......
They'd say these things and it made me feel good about myself.  It fed my Ego mind and told me that it was normal to drink my face off to entertain everyone else.

What wasn't normal was the way I felt the next day.  Sick.  Wasted days!  Wasted mind!  Wondering what I did last night or how I got home.  I'm sure people said....
-OMG, did you see what she did last night?
-She's so loud and annoying
-I can't believe she passed out on the bathroom floor...at 10 o'clock!

I feel more "normal" now.  My true self is coming alive again.  I'm learning to be happy with who I am and the people that will love me, will love me for who I am.  I'm finding connections with people who bring me peace and serenity.  I am calm.  I am taking life as it comes to me and I'm enjoying the little moments that I would have otherwise missed.  I am healthy.  I am sleeping like a baby.  I am free.  I can drive anywhere, anytime.  I love my life.  I have the power to choose to be happy.  I have the power to choose which celebrations I will attend.  I choose love.  I choose to connect and celebrate with the people that make me feel whole again.

...on Making Decisions

I'm learning.  Slowly.  I'm sober.  I'm conscious.

I'm struggling with a huge decision in my life.  My ex-husband wants desperately to get back together.  We've been separated/divorced for over 5 years now and he still wants nothing more than getting this family into one unit.  I'm torn about my decision.

I love my children more than anything in the world.  Whenever they go to their fathers, this terrible sense of guilt and shame sweeps over me.  I still have such a huge sense of separation anxiety when my children are not with me.... after all these years.  They still struggle with going back and forth and their hurt and pain haunts me.  I heard many people say...."they'll be okay, you need a break, they'll bounce back, it's part of life", but the fact is....my kids hurt.  What mother wants to see their children hurt?

My ex and I have tried several times to rekindle our relationship.  I have huge doubts about getting back together because I'm afraid that I'll lose my sense of calmness and spirituality.  Heck, I already feel like I'm falling apart....and we are just talking.  I know he's made changes and I know he's trying really hard to be kinder and calmer but I still see the old Steve that I didn't like in the past....and that scares me.

I've tried to surrender and pray and ask God to guide me in my decision.  I've tried to let go and live in hopes to find answers but nothing is clear.  Nothing.

I sometimes wonder if I even know how to have a relationship anymore.  Now that I'm sober, I'm sure things would be different.  Do I expect too much?  How do I know if he's the man I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with?  Maybe, I'm supposed to help him find this sense of peace and serenity?

God put us together for a reason.  We've created two wonderful, beautiful masterpieces together.   I'm so grateful for that!

...on Unconditional Love

I made a promise to my children the other day.... the day that I lost my shit on them.   I promised them that I would try harder...not lose my shit and swear around them when I'm angry again.    I've always told myself as a child that I never wanted to sound like my parents and I know that I certainly do at times.

I can only remember too well, the feelings I felt when my parents were in their fits of rage.  Shouting.  Cursing.  Slamming cupboard doors.   The rye and water.  The anger.  The fear.  The feelings of emptiness and sadness overcame my inner child.  I hid in my closet.  Spent nights in my closet.  Lost.

I've come a long way since I started parenting in 1991.

I don't lose it on my kids as much as I did 5 years ago.  I've always promised myself to never put my children through what I went through.  But, I slip sometimes.  I'm human.

So, my promise to them will require a lot of work.  A daily basis amount of work.  I almost feel like I need a parenting course.   Being a good parent is going to require me to be fully conscious at all times.  I have to hold on to that.  I have to be aware of all my emotions and feelings on a daily basis, so that I could react to my children's behaviours in more appropriate ways.  I was tested last night, again.

Patrick....  I can't sleep mom

Me .... (OMG! It's 11 o'clock and I'm half asleep.  Not this again.  I'm friggen tired.  Fuck!)....all this was said in my head.....

I get up.  I'm calm.  I ask what's wrong.  He starts tearing up.  He doesn't like to disturb me.  I know this.  He knows I like my sleep so he's worried I'm going to lose it.  I know this.   I rub his back.  I'm conscious.  I'm calm.  He's upset.  He's hot.  He wants to sleep but he can't.  He feels sick.  He's worried that I'm upset.

Kelly.....  Mom!  I want to watch TV!  I can't sleep too.  Please mom!  I can't sleep without my TV!

Me.... (OMG!  What's wrong with these kids.  Can't they just go to bed when it's time to go to bed.  Fuck!)..... said in my head.....

Me.....  What would you like me to do guys.  There's no TV allowed now and it's bed time.  I have to work and you have school.  We need sleep.  You have to focus on your breath and allow your body to rest.

Needless to say.... my answer wasn't good enough.  Test?   Yes, test.  Test to mommyhood for sure!  Both kids crying.  I'm tired.  I just want sleep.   I think.  

Me....  K guys.  Come lay with mommy for a while.  I snuggle with them.  I'm calm.  I tell them ways to relax their body, even when they can't sleep.  I tell them I love them.  They fall asleep.  In my arms.   Content.  I don't sleep much but I'm okay with that.  I've accepted it.  My kids are young today.  They won't snuggle with me much longer.  They will be on their own one day, living their lives with their new families.  I have to enjoy the moments.

I love my kids unconditionally.  I know this, but I want them to know this.  I need them to know that even when they are acting like monsters, I still love them....unconditionally.  The best way for me to show this is by remaining calm during crises and "showing" them that I love them even when all hell breaks loose.  They will fight.  They will argue.  They will disobey.  They are human.

When I was a child, I didn't feel the unconditional love that a parent is supposed to give their child.   There were always conditions on my life for me to feel loved.  I had to get good marks in school.  I had to keep my room clean.  I had to clean the house.  I had to care for my sisters.  I had to play Barbies quietly.  I had to stay out of my parents way.  I had to be perfect!

I'm not setting conditions on my children like that.  I want them to grow into the spiritual beings they were meant to be.  I want them to know that they are loved always.  I want them to grow with confidence and know that even when they make mistakes, they can conquer the world.  I want to be a better mommy.

I'm a sober mommy.  I'm learning how to live life on life's terms.  I'm supposed to teach my kids to do the same.....to live life on life's terms.  That's my job.  My sobriety has brought me many gifts.  My sobriety has given me freedom to choose....freedom to choose to live in love or in fear.... freedom to feel the feelings and emotions, let them pass through my body and let them go.....freedom to be conscious.....  and fully present in my life.... freedom to love my children unconditionally.  

Perfect quote for my post today....  I needed the reminder.....  

I just found the greatest article on controlling my anger and loving my children unconditionally, even when I'm feeling very upset.  I must create a bigger space between the stimulus (my child's behaviour) and my response so that I can react to their behaviour in love. I can do that by taking my own, personal time-out.

Unconditional_love_When_Angry_at_child

Seems so simple, but so friggen tough.

....on Children

Frigg, my children have a tendency to set me off.  I'm writing about this, in hopes that I don't fly off the handle and lose my shit on them anymore.

I don't drink.  I don't smoke.  I have nothing to calm my nerves when the kids are getting under my skin anymore and I have to learn how to handle the stress they bring to me in much different ways.

They fight.  My 13 year old daughter (the princess of the house) whines and cries until she gets her way.   And, yes.... she gets her way because I get tired of the crying and whining and give in to her wants, due to guilt.  Bad parenting happening here.

Everything they want to do cost money.   Like damn it.... I got no extra money to spare here.  So, I tell them I can't afford that right now..... and now they have that worry....  we are poor and mommy is broke.

I sometimes feel like I've traumatized my kids.   

Anyhow, last nights episode started like this.

Kelly....  Let's go to a movie...  I'm so bored. 

Me..... I didn't really want to go out today honey.  Let's have a nice fire in the backyard and roast wieners.

Not good enough for her.

Kelly.....  I'm so bored.

Kelly..... I'm so bored.   There's nothing to do.  Can we please get out of the house.

Me.....  (feelings of guilt because they are bored)

Me.....  Ok.  What's playing at the movies?

Patrick....  I want to see the Avengers!!!

Kelly.....  I want to see Pitch Perfect!!!

Me......   I guess we aren't going to the movies......

The argument on which movie to see went on for an hour.  They Rock-Paper-Scissored it and Patrick won.  However, Kelly.... found a way to convince him otherwise.   End result.... Patrick didn't want to go.

Me.....  We're just going to stay home guys.....

Kelly......    (hissy fit)

Me.....   Get in the car.

So this is where I lose it.  I swear.  I tell them they are spoiled.  I tell them I'm broke and don't want to spend money.  I swear again.  I tell Kelly she's a control freak and I'm tired of her manipulating to get her own way.  Kids are crying.  I'm trying to breath.  I swear.  I know I've screwed up in the motherhood department again.  I wonder why I lose it. I wonder why I can't control my foul mouth when I'm pissed off at the kids.  I wonder why I sound and act like my mother ...still.   I wonder how I could be a better mom.  I wonder why my chest feels like its the heaviest thing in the world.

I turn the van around.  Kids are sad.  I'm sad.  I'm the adult, I know.   I know I'm not supposed to snap.  

I have no booze, no smokes, no anti-depressants.....nothing to calm me ....but me.  

We come home.   We aren't going to enjoy a movie in our states.  We calm down.  I apologize.  Patrick says he hates it when I swear and get mad.  He has big tears coming down his cheeks.  I hug him.  I'm sorry.  Kelly doesn't talk to me.

I apologize again.  I tell them I'm doing the best I can.  I tell them I made a mistake.  I tell them I'm not perfect.   I know I should be in better control of my anger.  I should have taken a time-out.  I know I have to stick to my decisions.  When I say no, it should stay no.  My kids know that if they hound me enough, they'll get what they want.  I get it.  They're kids.  It's normal.

I cheer them up.  I tell them I'm sorry.  We start to laugh.  They know I'm a good mom.  They know I'm not perfect.   I tell them I'm not broke, as in we are poor.  I tell them I have money.  We can afford to buy what we need.  I tell them I just didn't want to spend money today.

We are okay.  I take them out for a ride to Tim Horton's.  We see the Midway.  What better way to end the night than going on Midway Rides, screaming and laughing.  We did that.  Screamed.  Laughed.  

I'm not a perfect mom.  I'm learning to be a sober mom.  It's work in progress.   

I do have to find more fun, "free" family activities though.....   being a single mom isn't always easy.   Being a sober, single mom is even harder.

...on Mindfulness

I honestly can't believe that I'm doing this well in my sobriety so far.  I haven't really had major craving attacks or a lot of stress in my life.  Either that, or maybe I'm just dealing with everyday stressors in different ways.  I'm learning to walk away from a lot of things that I normally would get involved in...and in which would cause me anxieties or stress.  I'm learning to let my negative thoughts or emotions come through me....I feel them...I breathe....and I let them go.  I'm learning that I have no control over the outer world or the people in it.  I can only control me and my reactions to all the BS.

Since my lifestyle changes, I can't help but notice changes in my children.  They are calmer.  We've been communicating a lot, especially on being proactive versus reactive people.  Our motto is " don't judge" and " don't gossip"   It's a great start and I'm feeling more connected to them than ever!  I love it when they come to me for advice on how to deal with the BS instead of reacting to it. I love that my strength and spirit can help them grow.   

When I drank on a daily basis, I didn't pay attention to them as much as I should have.  I wanted them to play on their own.  I wanted them to keep busy. I wanted them to figure out how to solve their problems.  I wanted them to deal with the BS somehow, on their own.  I honestly didn't have the mind frame or tools they needed because I didn't even have them for me to use.....

The greatest thing I've learned about recovery is forgiveness.  I've learned to forgive the people in my past for their mistakes.  I've accepted and understand that they did their best and they only did what they knew and learned.   I hope that my changes now will help my children forgive me...and I hope that the changes now will be so amazing that they won't even remember the past 10  years.  

I still want my children to do these things (be good problem solvers, deal with BS, play, live, be happy)...

 .....the difference is that today, I can give them the tools they need to grow and live more spiritually, calmly and compassionately.

Gosh, I really wasn't gonna go on and on here.  ...  I called this post Mindfulness because on the drive home today from work, this is what I saw....  I was so happy to be present for it....

...and this is what I am able to enjoy...now....as I type.....

my sober buddy

...on my Daughter

I brought my daughter to her "High School to be..." open house.   Ouch!  It hurt.  I was emotional....I'm not gonna lie.  My little girl is starting high school next year.  Gosh, floods of memories from my high school days passed me by ...some more pleasant than others.

Life just flies by...in the blink of an eye.

As I watched her excitement grow throughout the night, I did some reflecting.  I reflected on our relationship.  I was probably not always the best mom at times...ya know...not perfect.

My daughter always despised the fact that I drank.  Every time I would try to hide it from her, she knew.  She watched me.....  It probably didn't help that her father bashed me about my drinking and told her I was a bad person for drinking.  It probably didn't help that I puked my guts out in front of her once (2 years ago).  It probably didn't help that I relied on booze to "relax" me after a long day at work.  She became very withdrawn from me during the last year and I really don't blame her.  I've been doing things in front of her that make her feel uncomfortable.  She went to counselling last year for anxieties.  She told the counsellor that she didn't like it when I drank because it made her feel alone, like she didn't have a mother to rely on.  It made her worry about everything and kinda made her feel like she had to take on the mother role.  

I was astonished that she would say such a thing.  Truth is I only had a couple of glasses of wine or a couple of beers on most nights.  I only got really drinking if I had my drinking buddies over or if they were at their dad's house for the night.  She knew though....every time.  She would avoid calling me and I was just oblivious to this.  I brushed off her worries about my drinking and decided that it was her problem.  Not mine.  She'd just have to accept the fact that I was old enough to make my own decisions.  I was doing a great job at controlling it and I was "always" responsible.

Many of my friends and family members blame my kids for making me feel guilty about my drinking.  They say things like....are you gonna let them control you?  Don't let the kids make you feel guilty...it's not like you're getting drunk.... 

And, yes...I listened to my friends and family, over my own kids.    It's a natural thing I would think...  I'm the adult.  You're the kids.  You can't tell me what to do.  I love you.  I do everything for you.  This is my time.

I often wondered if God sent me my children as a gift to me....a gift to guide and help me become a better person.....or maybe they are angels, sent from Heaven to help me to be strong and free.... to help me find the power to recover from this addiction that could eventually take over my life or kill me.  If they weren't such pain in the asses about my drinking, I'd probably be drunk right now.  But, they make me want to be sober and alive and healthy.  I want them to learn that they can fight for anything they want in their lives.   I want them to discover their true spirit and strive for happiness.

I was recently told about a great book called "The Conscious Parent" by Dr. Shefali Tsabary.  I began reading it yesterday and got to watch a few videos on YouTube.  She was featured on Oprah's Lifeclass.

Wowzers!  What a great time for me to read this book.  This lady emphasizes on the fact that our children are sent to us to teach us a lesson.  They are sent to us to guide us and help us with something we are dealing with from our own childhood.  She couldn't be more right!!

My parents both drank so much and I hated it!  I felt like the parent more often then a kid.  It was always a stressful environment.  They were miserable.  They were selfish.  I wasn't validated.  I wasn't guided.  Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and know they did the best they could with what they know.   I've dealt with that aspect and have forgiven them.  It just drives me nuts that I've become them.

I can only move forward from here.  I'm addicted to reading....reading ....reading.  I'm addicted to learning more and more everyday on ways to stay sober, ways to be a better mom, ways to live in the present, ways to be mindful... 

I'm loving sobriety.  Day 17