The other day, someone asked me the big question.
"How did you manage to stay sober for almost a whole year?"
This was my answer.
I decided, one day, that I didn't want to feel like shit anymore! It was as simple as that!
I remembered getting up on a daily basis with nasty hangovers and I remembered the constant feeling of pure exhaustion. No sleep. Queasy belly. Bags under my eyes. Unhealthy. Booze sucked the life out of me....literally.
I wanted it everyday to relax and be happy, but it the end, it exhausted me and aged me....and made me miserable! I was dying....externally and internally.
I woke up one day and made the decision to not drink anymore. I told myself that only "I" had the power to make that decision. I told myself every single day.... <<Today I am not going to drink>> and I learned to avoid and do everything in my power to NOT pick up. I stuck by my decision. I prayed and asked for help.... a lot!
On the days that I wanted to drink, I remembered why I stopped in the first place.
I empowered myself! I made a decision and stuck by it! I created a bubble around my body and soul and I decided that even though my friends and family were going to drink, nothing or nobody would come into my bubble to interfere with my decision. Deep down inside, and I wasn't going to break my new bubble, because if I did, then I'd be right back to where I started. My bubble was a safe place. It kept me sober. It kept me healthier than I have felt in years.
Some days were better than others.
But, every day was worth fighting for....
Showing posts with label How to Live Without Alcohol. Show all posts
Showing posts with label How to Live Without Alcohol. Show all posts
Wednesday, 25 November 2015
Saturday, 14 November 2015
Sobriety is Freedom!
Today I celebrate another hangover-free Saturday.
I love hangover-free days!! I'm on my 323rd!! What a miracle in itself!
Today, I get to look out my window and see the snow covered Earth. Today, I get to sit in stillness and have my morning coffee while writing this post. Today, I get to feel the air enter my body and my cells rejuvenate with happiness and health from drinking water last night. I will see my children do something spectacular, even it's just a smile. I will watch them learn and grow. I'm not going to miss a thing today. I'm free.
If someone told me when I first quit drinking how amazing I'd be feeling at this time in my life, I'd have never believed them. I never thought that I could feel this happy and peaceful without a drink in my hand.
Last year, at this time, I remember feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I wasn't healthy in every aspect of my life....physically, spiritually, emotionally. I felt awful on a daily basis. I woke up feeling shitty from the night before, and went to bed feeling shitty cause I drank too much. It was a vicious cycle and I had no clue how to get out of it.
If you are here, like I was last year, I'm telling you the truth when I say that sobriety is freedom. There is only one way out from the vicious cycle.
Don't pick up a drink today and find help.
1. Blog
Write about your journey on a daily basis. We, sober bloggers, are strong together. We support and help each other out and never judge. We have a great community with lots of love and support.
2. Go to meetings
AA saved my life...really. The people at the meetings are my new family, my new friends. The support and love you get when you walk into the rooms are indescribably!
3. Send me an Email
Anytime of the day. All day. I will do my best to help you. We could set up a sober plan for you and get you started. We could focus on one day at a time.
4. Friends
(unless they're drinkers) You need good support and understanding.
5. Meditation
This will teach you that it's awesome to sit in stillness. We are so use to chaos, us drinkers. We don't have to live that way anymore. I'm taking an online class on Mindfulness and I'm loving every second of it! They are everywhere.
6. The Big Book
If all the people who knew Bill W. could quit drinking with his words of wisdom and the 12 steps, why couldn't you? You can read it from the link on my blog.
7. Space
Set up a quiet spot in your home. This should be a space where you can go to breathe when you are overwhelmed.
9. Family
(unless they're drinkers) They should be supportive, understanding and loving.
10. Pray
Have faith. Believe in the power greater than YOU.
I continue to do most of these things on a daily basis since I quit drinking in December 2014. I'm happy with the results. I'm sober. I'm free. I'm healthier than I have been in years!
It's hard as hell on some days, just to get by, but it's worth every step I've taken to get here....
Sober and FREE!
Join me.
Sober Mommy
I love hangover-free days!! I'm on my 323rd!! What a miracle in itself!
Today, I get to look out my window and see the snow covered Earth. Today, I get to sit in stillness and have my morning coffee while writing this post. Today, I get to feel the air enter my body and my cells rejuvenate with happiness and health from drinking water last night. I will see my children do something spectacular, even it's just a smile. I will watch them learn and grow. I'm not going to miss a thing today. I'm free.
If someone told me when I first quit drinking how amazing I'd be feeling at this time in my life, I'd have never believed them. I never thought that I could feel this happy and peaceful without a drink in my hand.
Last year, at this time, I remember feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I wasn't healthy in every aspect of my life....physically, spiritually, emotionally. I felt awful on a daily basis. I woke up feeling shitty from the night before, and went to bed feeling shitty cause I drank too much. It was a vicious cycle and I had no clue how to get out of it.
If you are here, like I was last year, I'm telling you the truth when I say that sobriety is freedom. There is only one way out from the vicious cycle.
Don't pick up a drink today and find help.
1. Blog
Write about your journey on a daily basis. We, sober bloggers, are strong together. We support and help each other out and never judge. We have a great community with lots of love and support.
2. Go to meetings
AA saved my life...really. The people at the meetings are my new family, my new friends. The support and love you get when you walk into the rooms are indescribably!
3. Send me an Email
Anytime of the day. All day. I will do my best to help you. We could set up a sober plan for you and get you started. We could focus on one day at a time.
4. Friends
(unless they're drinkers) You need good support and understanding.
5. Meditation
This will teach you that it's awesome to sit in stillness. We are so use to chaos, us drinkers. We don't have to live that way anymore. I'm taking an online class on Mindfulness and I'm loving every second of it! They are everywhere.
6. The Big Book
If all the people who knew Bill W. could quit drinking with his words of wisdom and the 12 steps, why couldn't you? You can read it from the link on my blog.
7. Space
Set up a quiet spot in your home. This should be a space where you can go to breathe when you are overwhelmed.
9. Family
(unless they're drinkers) They should be supportive, understanding and loving.
10. Pray
Have faith. Believe in the power greater than YOU.
I continue to do most of these things on a daily basis since I quit drinking in December 2014. I'm happy with the results. I'm sober. I'm free. I'm healthier than I have been in years!
It's hard as hell on some days, just to get by, but it's worth every step I've taken to get here....
Sober and FREE!
Join me.
Sober Mommy
Friday, 13 November 2015
...on The Inner World
"When I quit drinking,
the world on the outside got better,
but the world on the inside got worse."
I heard this sentence at the gratitude dinner I attended in my town last weekend. A gratitude dinner is an annual event that includes a wonderful dinner, guest speaker and a dance.
I had a wonderful evening. It amazed me to watch over 300 people dancing their feet off on the dance floor, socializing, laughing, and sober....something we don't get to see very often.
The guest speaker said many things that I could relate to....but the sentence above really stood out. I even wrote it down on a napkin at my table.
It is so true how my life has changed on the inside. It feels like I'm in constant turmoil with my thoughts and emotions now. My self-esteem has dropped. I lack confidence. I lack energy. I lack some sort of sense of contentment. I feel like I'm living in fear of the world around me. Fear of what people think. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear of damn decisions I have to make. I'm not sure how this happens when I was so confident, independent and happy .....when I had a drink in hand.....
It's not easy to get sober. Not because I'm giving up the booze. It's more because I'm learning to live life without it. It's the life part that's tough. Alcohol just covered up all the shit that was buried deep within.
I know that now.
And now, it's coming out. The shit. And, I'm still trying to figure it out.....without succumbing to my need or want for a drink.
I'm doing it though. Living without alcohol. I never thought in a millions years I'd get this far.
I don't know what tomorrow brings. I can't change the past. I'm trying so hard to live for today....in the present moment....
And, with this present moment, I'm sober.
Breathing.
Saturday, 7 November 2015
,,,I Remember.
It doesn't cease to amaze me. The power alcohol has over my life.
I seem to have all the tools I need to stay sober one moment, and in a blink of an eye, they all disappear.
Something happens to me when someone or something makes me feel uncomfortable. I get this overwhelming fear and sense of anxiety and I feel like the insides of my chest is notting up uncontrollably.
I forget about all the tools that I've found over the last two months. Tools such as the Serenity Prayer, the Big Book, the meetings, the blog, the peace and serenity, the prayers, the gratitude, the new sober friends, my sponsor, the freedom.
I forget about all the great things that have happened to me since I picked up my last drink and I want to go back there.
And, in all the cuffufle of my crazy ass days, lately, I somehow manage to find myself sitting at a meeting, listening to the whispers and remembering why I'm here in the first place. The moment I walk into the room of AA, I feel love, support, kindness and compassion.
And then, I remember.
When the young 24 year old talks about the crazy hangovers he had and spending all his Saturdays in bed because he was too sick to move.... I remember.
When the mom of 3 tells about her story of being the drinking mom that she was....hiding her booze, drinking before driving her kids to their activities... I remember.
When the ole timer talks about drinking on a daily basis and not living his life in the moment or appreciating all the wonderful things in his life.... I remember.
When the young girl, coming out of detox, talks about always wanting more material things in her life and not being grateful for what she has, .....I remember.
When the man talks about saying the Serenity Prayer on a daily basis, because sometimes things are not in our control, and we have to live life on life's terms, instead of trying to control it....I remember.
The point is.... I only feel like I get those Aha moments when I walk into those rooms.
And, somehow, something, someone, or some kind of force helps me get into my car at the end of the day, (when all I want is nothing but a drink), and gets me to the place....
...that reminds me of why I got sober in the first place.
Tuesday, 3 November 2015
...on Miracles
Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible. -Mao Zedong
I couldn't fully understand what she meant. I just wanted to drink and numb the shit out of myself so that I could forget about my problems for a day.
I didn't.
I waited.
A miracle happened!
I didn't drink!
How does this happen when I've used alcohol for the past 35 years of my life when stress comes about? How does something like this happen when the desire to drink is so strong, that nothing else in the world matters to me? How does something like this happen to someone that knows no other way of living because she wasn't taught how to live without alcohol all her life? How does someone go 10 months without an ounce of booze when she doesn't think she could last even one day without it?
I haven't had a drink!
A miracle happened!
I waited.
I didn't drink.
Gosh, as I look back on the last 10 months of sobriety, I can only say how truly blessed I am. I am finally finding myself....after 44 years of being on this Earth. I am finally discovering the Being that I am. I am finally deciding that alcohol is NOT going to affect my life anymore and I am finally taking control over my reality! I am in charge! I make the choice! God leads the way....and I follow.
I can't say that I love sober living every single day yet. It's not easy. Some days are a heck of a lot better than others. But, I sure do love the fact that I've been sober for this long. I'm living life....fully alive. I'm learning the true nature of living....fully alive. I'm learning to feel, to see, to hear, to laugh and to cry.
I'm a miracle.
Monday, 2 November 2015
....on Prayer
I went to a meeting last night. It was so very powerful. I heard the little whispers that were meant for me.
There is so much love and compassion in the rooms. People struggling. People living. Sober people talking about their lives. Honesty. Journeys. Struggles. Compassion. Love. It's all there...in the rooms.
Life is hard.
Sober living is even harder.
Sometimes I wonder how I've made it to over 300 sober days. Sometimes it doesn't make sense to me. I went through so many days where the urge to pick up a drink was so powerful.
...so very powerful.
Last night, someone mentioned that he heard another member talk about asking God to remove the burden of the obsession of drinking from him. The man did not believe it could work for him. He loved his alcohol so much, that there was no way that God could do this for him! He lost his faith in God a long long time ago.
You see, this man got desperate. He lost his wife. He lost his children. He became violent. He became miserable. He was tired. He was obsessed. He cared nothing about anything ....but his next drunk.
So, he decided to go home after he heard the member and do as he did. He shut all the lights in the room. He got down on one knee. He prayed. He said "God. If you did it for Jo, you may be able to do it for me. Please help me. Please remove this obsession of wanting to drink from me. Please help me break this vicious cycle once and for all."
He took his last drink that day. He's been sober for 20 years.
When I first tried to quit drinking in 2008, I had no tools. I had no people. I had no idea how to get sober. I had to idea how to live life on life's terms! I struggled for so many years. .....in and out of drunkenness. My only way to solve a problem was with a glass of wine......lo and behold....the problem was never solved. I was miserable. I was oblivious. I was numb. I was always sick. I remember watching my face age in the mirror on a daily basis, from the lack of sleep and the stress caused by alcohol.
It took me 7 years! It took me 7 years of trying to break the cycle of alcoholism in my life. I couldn't do it all alone. I tried so many times to stop. I'd wake up in the morning and say, that's it! I'm done drinking! By 3 pm, I was in line at the liquor store.
I found a gift. The gift of sobriety. It's in those rooms.
God works in mysterious ways.
On December 27th, 2014, I took my last drink. I was tired of drinking. I was tired of thinking. I was tired of thinking about drinking. I wanted freedom. I wanted to break this vicious cycle.
I prayed.
This is my prayer. I hope it helps you today. Have faith. Believe.
If it worked for Bill, Jo, and me.....it may just work for you.
Dear God.
I cannot stop drinking.
I have tried.
I have tried so hard.
And still, Lord. I go back and do it,
though I hate myself for doing it.
I cannot stop.
I cannot stop.
You, dear Lord, are my refuge and security and strength when I cannot go on.
Please lift me up and share Your strength with me.
Please lift me from this burden, the burden of this addiction,
the pain of this self-hatred,
the power of this demon within me.
I do not have the power on my own to fight this beast.
But You, dear Lord, You do.
You do.
I praise Your strength, and power and love.
Please give it to me.
Please take away my desire to drink.
I surrender all.
I lay myself in Your arms.
Please give me a miracle.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Amen.
There is so much love and compassion in the rooms. People struggling. People living. Sober people talking about their lives. Honesty. Journeys. Struggles. Compassion. Love. It's all there...in the rooms.
Life is hard.
Sober living is even harder.
Sometimes I wonder how I've made it to over 300 sober days. Sometimes it doesn't make sense to me. I went through so many days where the urge to pick up a drink was so powerful.
...so very powerful.
Last night, someone mentioned that he heard another member talk about asking God to remove the burden of the obsession of drinking from him. The man did not believe it could work for him. He loved his alcohol so much, that there was no way that God could do this for him! He lost his faith in God a long long time ago.
You see, this man got desperate. He lost his wife. He lost his children. He became violent. He became miserable. He was tired. He was obsessed. He cared nothing about anything ....but his next drunk.
So, he decided to go home after he heard the member and do as he did. He shut all the lights in the room. He got down on one knee. He prayed. He said "God. If you did it for Jo, you may be able to do it for me. Please help me. Please remove this obsession of wanting to drink from me. Please help me break this vicious cycle once and for all."
He took his last drink that day. He's been sober for 20 years.
When I first tried to quit drinking in 2008, I had no tools. I had no people. I had no idea how to get sober. I had to idea how to live life on life's terms! I struggled for so many years. .....in and out of drunkenness. My only way to solve a problem was with a glass of wine......lo and behold....the problem was never solved. I was miserable. I was oblivious. I was numb. I was always sick. I remember watching my face age in the mirror on a daily basis, from the lack of sleep and the stress caused by alcohol.
It took me 7 years! It took me 7 years of trying to break the cycle of alcoholism in my life. I couldn't do it all alone. I tried so many times to stop. I'd wake up in the morning and say, that's it! I'm done drinking! By 3 pm, I was in line at the liquor store.
I found a gift. The gift of sobriety. It's in those rooms.
God works in mysterious ways.
On December 27th, 2014, I took my last drink. I was tired of drinking. I was tired of thinking. I was tired of thinking about drinking. I wanted freedom. I wanted to break this vicious cycle.
I prayed.
This is my prayer. I hope it helps you today. Have faith. Believe.
If it worked for Bill, Jo, and me.....it may just work for you.
Dear God.
I cannot stop drinking.
I have tried.
I have tried so hard.
And still, Lord. I go back and do it,
though I hate myself for doing it.
I cannot stop.
I cannot stop.
You, dear Lord, are my refuge and security and strength when I cannot go on.
Please lift me up and share Your strength with me.
Please lift me from this burden, the burden of this addiction,
the pain of this self-hatred,
the power of this demon within me.
I do not have the power on my own to fight this beast.
But You, dear Lord, You do.
You do.
I praise Your strength, and power and love.
Please give it to me.
Please take away my desire to drink.
I surrender all.
I lay myself in Your arms.
Please give me a miracle.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Amen.
Miracles happen. Ask Bill and Jo...
and me.
Sober Mommy
Saturday, 31 October 2015
...on Being.
I got to chair the meeting last night. I was kinda voluntold to do it, but I really didn't mind. Again, everything happens for a reason and I was probably put there to hear the little whispers that were meant for me to hear.
I think I'm starting to see a different side of me. In the past, I would have resorted to drinking so many times over the last 10 months of my sobriety. Lord knows, I've tried to quit so many times (since 2008). Nothing worked. I'd last a few days. And bammo! I was back to my old habits.
But, today, something is different. It's almost like I could feel the blossom growing inside of me.
Learning to live without alcohol is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Especially, during times of crises and stress! Drinking was my only way to cope. Gosh, I was raised that way. My parents coped with their rye. I saw. I did. That's all I knew. Nobody gave me the tools I needed to deal with life and the everyday stressors that comes with it. Nobody told me how friggen hard life could get either! It's just like "Wham Bam! This is your life! You deal with it"
I've come to realize this week, with my "I'm a victim of Fraud" event, that I really do rely on alcohol to numb and cope. As I feel my heart pound with fear and anxiety, I think about alcohol. I think about how nice it would be to just come home after a long day at work, drink my face off (without anybody knowing) and just Be. Numb.
You see, the truth is there is a difference between my old version of Being and my new version of Being.
My old version of Being was to numb and just Be. No stress. Happy. Drunk. Not feeling. No pain. Drunk. Alone. This is my version of being that brings me to dark places. I'm sick. I'm hungover. I'm basically not living, really. I'm not really alive here. So, why the heck does my mind keep coming back to wanting this life?
I've been very lucky and blessed because I haven't went back to my old ways! I'm so very grateful for this! I sometimes wonder how the heck I've made it this far. The fight that goes on inside my mind is sometimes so very very strong! One side is pulling me to the drink. One side is pulling me to sobriety. Yep! There is a huge struggle in my mind sometimes. But, I somehow always come out....with this new version of Being. I just know that my HP is helping me along the way somehow. I have so much faith that I'm right where I'm supposed to be....mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
My new version of Being is very spiritual. I'm feeling the feelings. I'm feeling the breath. I'm breathing in and breathing out. Lately, I'm feeling connected with the most inner part of my Being.... the part that is alive! I'm mindful. I'm seeing the beauty in the world, that I once didn't see. I'm listening more. I'm healthier. I'm living. I'm free!
When my mind wants to drink and take control over my new way of Being, this is what I think keeps me from picking up.....
1. My HP
2. I love hangover-free living!
3. I sleep like a baby!
4. I've almost been sober for a whole year!
5. I've made great sober friends through AA, and they check in on me often!
6. I think I'm a more patient mom! (most of the time)
7. I know if I pick up ONE drink, the vicious cycle will begin again!
8. I'm not my mind. I'm much more than that..... I'm spirit.
9. I can't afford it.
10. I don't want to be sick.
I often hear these new voices in my head saying: "This too shall pass" "One day at a time" "Go to meetings. Don't drink" "Alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful"
I think I'm starting to see a different side of me. In the past, I would have resorted to drinking so many times over the last 10 months of my sobriety. Lord knows, I've tried to quit so many times (since 2008). Nothing worked. I'd last a few days. And bammo! I was back to my old habits.
But, today, something is different. It's almost like I could feel the blossom growing inside of me.
Learning to live without alcohol is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Especially, during times of crises and stress! Drinking was my only way to cope. Gosh, I was raised that way. My parents coped with their rye. I saw. I did. That's all I knew. Nobody gave me the tools I needed to deal with life and the everyday stressors that comes with it. Nobody told me how friggen hard life could get either! It's just like "Wham Bam! This is your life! You deal with it"
I've come to realize this week, with my "I'm a victim of Fraud" event, that I really do rely on alcohol to numb and cope. As I feel my heart pound with fear and anxiety, I think about alcohol. I think about how nice it would be to just come home after a long day at work, drink my face off (without anybody knowing) and just Be. Numb.
You see, the truth is there is a difference between my old version of Being and my new version of Being.
My old version of Being was to numb and just Be. No stress. Happy. Drunk. Not feeling. No pain. Drunk. Alone. This is my version of being that brings me to dark places. I'm sick. I'm hungover. I'm basically not living, really. I'm not really alive here. So, why the heck does my mind keep coming back to wanting this life?
I've been very lucky and blessed because I haven't went back to my old ways! I'm so very grateful for this! I sometimes wonder how the heck I've made it this far. The fight that goes on inside my mind is sometimes so very very strong! One side is pulling me to the drink. One side is pulling me to sobriety. Yep! There is a huge struggle in my mind sometimes. But, I somehow always come out....with this new version of Being. I just know that my HP is helping me along the way somehow. I have so much faith that I'm right where I'm supposed to be....mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
My new version of Being is very spiritual. I'm feeling the feelings. I'm feeling the breath. I'm breathing in and breathing out. Lately, I'm feeling connected with the most inner part of my Being.... the part that is alive! I'm mindful. I'm seeing the beauty in the world, that I once didn't see. I'm listening more. I'm healthier. I'm living. I'm free!
When my mind wants to drink and take control over my new way of Being, this is what I think keeps me from picking up.....
1. My HP
2. I love hangover-free living!
3. I sleep like a baby!
4. I've almost been sober for a whole year!
5. I've made great sober friends through AA, and they check in on me often!
6. I think I'm a more patient mom! (most of the time)
7. I know if I pick up ONE drink, the vicious cycle will begin again!
8. I'm not my mind. I'm much more than that..... I'm spirit.
9. I can't afford it.
10. I don't want to be sick.
I often hear these new voices in my head saying: "This too shall pass" "One day at a time" "Go to meetings. Don't drink" "Alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful"
I like these new voices.
Sober Mommy
Friday, 30 October 2015
...on WTF!
Thank you for all your great comments on my last post. I've decided to stay home this weekend and avoid the big party all together. Although I'm doing this so that I don't drink, I still have urges to drink, especially when shit happens in my life.
For the last month or two, I've been praying. I've been trying to let go of my financial burden and I've been asking God to give me a hand somehow. I've legitimately made changes to the budget plan and continue to scramble to survive on a monthly basis to make ends meet. I have a super job ...thank goodness, but I also have a lot of debt and bills and I just can't afford any extras at the end of the month. I'm even tutoring a few kids on the side for some extra cash.
I have always kept $500 emergency fund in my account and always keep that money there, just in case something comes up.
It's gone!
Someone stole the last of my money. Someone drained my account of the last of the money I had and worked so hard for from an ATM in another country. Like, WTF! How does this shit happen? I don't understand how someone could duplicate my card, find out my PIN and drain my account!
And, besides all the other shit going on in my life, kids, work, loneliness, winter is coming blues, I get into these crazy urges to just drink!
I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. There's a lesson to be learned in all that happens to us. I'm having a hard time with this one.
I keep thinking about my sober friend, Sober Mummy, at Mummy Was a Secret Drinker. I'm not sure how someone could be so strong when faced with such diagnosis. I sometimes wonder if I'd be that strong.
Why do I want to drink whenever my heart and body palpitate with stress? I seem to resort to that "escape plan" every time I'm under stress.
It's like a cycle. Stress comes. My body reacts. My heart pounds. I get anxious. I get fearful. I want to drink.
Although, in the moment of stress, all I can think about is a nice big glass of vino, I think I'm learning to "feel" the emotions that comes with everyday living lately. And, even though, I think about resorting to alcohol for and "escape", I don't.
How this happens? I'm still not sure.
I just know that I'm doing it one day at a time. Trying to figure this thing out....
Life.
I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. There's a lesson to be learned in all that happens to us. I'm having a hard time with this one.
I keep thinking about my sober friend, Sober Mummy, at Mummy Was a Secret Drinker. I'm not sure how someone could be so strong when faced with such diagnosis. I sometimes wonder if I'd be that strong.
Why do I want to drink whenever my heart and body palpitate with stress? I seem to resort to that "escape plan" every time I'm under stress.
It's like a cycle. Stress comes. My body reacts. My heart pounds. I get anxious. I get fearful. I want to drink.
Although, in the moment of stress, all I can think about is a nice big glass of vino, I think I'm learning to "feel" the emotions that comes with everyday living lately. And, even though, I think about resorting to alcohol for and "escape", I don't.
How this happens? I'm still not sure.
I just know that I'm doing it one day at a time. Trying to figure this thing out....
Life.
Friday, 23 October 2015
Nothing Grows In The Dark
This was the title from the Daily Reflection the other day. Nothing Grows In The Dark.
As I read this one line, I got a glimpse of my life over the past month. I got a glimpse of me saying these exact words ..."I'm in such a dark place."
And I was.
In a very dark place. A place of fear. A place of anger. A place of anxiety. A place of wanting to numb the pain with alcohol again. It was dark! I felt stuck there. It was impossible for me to grow. We cannot grow until we come out of the dark and see clearly....see the light.....see the love around us......see the blessings in our lives.....
I got consumed with the chaosness of life. I forgot to sprinkle my own life with my recovery program. I was too busy worrying about everyone else and I forgot to take care of me!
And ....as I read those 5 words up above, I thought about the flower. A flower in a black box would eventually die. A flower that doesn't get sun, water, or nutrients will perish.
I am the flower.
We are all flowers.
If we don't feed ourselves with the things we need, we will not grow..... and we will eventually die. We need to nourish ourselves with love, health, recovery, and good people. This is how we grow. This is what we need to blossom!
I am the flower.
We are all flowers.
If we don't feed ourselves with the things we need, we will not grow..... and we will eventually die. We need to nourish ourselves with love, health, recovery, and good people. This is how we grow. This is what we need to blossom!
It took a while for me to allow my own petals to come out from under the dirt to let the sunshine back into my life. But, I'm nourishing me now. I'm coming back into full bloom.
When we are stuck in the dark place, only we have the power to lift ourselves out from under the dirt.....
With faith, love and courage, anything is possible.
Where are your petals?
Sober Mommy
Tuesday, 20 October 2015
Am I a Dry Drunk?
I wondered what the term "Dry Drunk" meant for a long time.
I'm living it I think.
I'm stuck. I talked about it at the meeting last night. Cried. Got some advice. ...and I will definitely apply it to my life today.
All my life, I grew up around a miserable, resentful mother. She drank daily with my father. They seemed angry all of the time. A few years ago, my mother told me she resented me as a child. She was pissed off because I stood in their way.... I was there. They wanted to drink. They wanted to party. I was there. In the way.
I told myself that I would never be like my mother when I grew up. I made a promise when I was younger to be a better mom.
I became her.
Resentful.
Angry.
Alcoholic.
When I drank, I was happy for a while until they stood in my way. I would yell and swear, just like my mother did, to the point where I could hear her voice in me. I would see the look of fear and loss of trust build up in my kids when this happened. The way they looked at me was the way I looked at my mom when she was in her fury.
So, I quit drinking. I thought it would solve all my problems. I thought "Now I will be a better mom!" I found some sense of spirituality and Being for several months.
But, for some reason, I'm still struggling with the anger, resentment and impatient part. Life is so hectic. I seem to be in a rush for nothing. I'm not going anywhere really, so why do I lose my shit when I'm trying to help my kids with homework, or when I have to clean the house cause someone left a damn mess, or when they are fighting. I get so impatient when things aren't perfect. Why?
Is this what's considered "Dry Drunk"? Am I just living like I use to live, but this time without consuming alcohol.... in anger, resentment and fear? I feel like a ticking time bomb....just waiting till something or someone pisses me off enough for me to go out and get my bottle of vino! Just waiting for a good reason to drink.
I don't want to drink. I don't want to go back to numbing. I'm learning to feel again. I'm learning to live. I'm finding my true self. I'm trying to find peace within myself. I'm trying to just BE. Not making rash decisions. Not making plans. Just letting go...and letting God take over.
We read step 2 at the meeting last night and this stuck out at me like a tonne of bricks.
This is me. For real. I have to make changes. Letting go of the drink just isn't enough anymore.
SoberMommy
I'm living it I think.
I'm stuck. I talked about it at the meeting last night. Cried. Got some advice. ...and I will definitely apply it to my life today.
All my life, I grew up around a miserable, resentful mother. She drank daily with my father. They seemed angry all of the time. A few years ago, my mother told me she resented me as a child. She was pissed off because I stood in their way.... I was there. They wanted to drink. They wanted to party. I was there. In the way.
I told myself that I would never be like my mother when I grew up. I made a promise when I was younger to be a better mom.
I became her.
Resentful.
Angry.
Alcoholic.
When I drank, I was happy for a while until they stood in my way. I would yell and swear, just like my mother did, to the point where I could hear her voice in me. I would see the look of fear and loss of trust build up in my kids when this happened. The way they looked at me was the way I looked at my mom when she was in her fury.
So, I quit drinking. I thought it would solve all my problems. I thought "Now I will be a better mom!" I found some sense of spirituality and Being for several months.
But, for some reason, I'm still struggling with the anger, resentment and impatient part. Life is so hectic. I seem to be in a rush for nothing. I'm not going anywhere really, so why do I lose my shit when I'm trying to help my kids with homework, or when I have to clean the house cause someone left a damn mess, or when they are fighting. I get so impatient when things aren't perfect. Why?
Is this what's considered "Dry Drunk"? Am I just living like I use to live, but this time without consuming alcohol.... in anger, resentment and fear? I feel like a ticking time bomb....just waiting till something or someone pisses me off enough for me to go out and get my bottle of vino! Just waiting for a good reason to drink.
I don't want to drink. I don't want to go back to numbing. I'm learning to feel again. I'm learning to live. I'm finding my true self. I'm trying to find peace within myself. I'm trying to just BE. Not making rash decisions. Not making plans. Just letting go...and letting God take over.
We read step 2 at the meeting last night and this stuck out at me like a tonne of bricks.
We had been asking something for nothing. The fact was we really hadn't cleaned house so that the grace of God could enter us and expel the obsession. In no deep or meaningful sense had we ever taken stock of ourselves, made amends to those we had harmed, or freely given to any other human being without any demand for reward. We had not even prayed rightly. We had always said, "Grant me my wishes" instead of "Thy will be done." Therefore we remained self-deceived, and so incapable of receiving enough grace to restore us to sanity.
This is me. For real. I have to make changes. Letting go of the drink just isn't enough anymore.
SoberMommy
Sunday, 18 October 2015
...on Staying Focused
I'm finding my way back to where I was a few weeks ago. Healthy. Happy. High on Life. I want it back and I'm going to fight till I get it.
I'm grateful today for being sober. Still sober. Thank you God! There is no doubt in my mind that my Higher Power worked for me during the last few weeks. Its been tough.
I'm not sure what is setting me off really. My life is good. I'm healthy. I have a great home. I have healthy kids. I have a great career.
I think I just forgot to be mindful. I forgot to focus on the breath and the calmness I have within. I have to bring my awareness back to myself...to my inner self again. I was self-sabotaging for the past few weeks. I've been covering up my fears with food, wanting a drink, chaos, TV, isolating. I got caught up in wanting more than what I have. More more more.....always wanting more.
I forgot to trust that there is a plan set out for me and I just have to stop trying to make everything fit the way I want it to fit.
I forgot to put my recovery first. I did nothing for three weeks. No daily reading. No meetings. No blogging. No meditating. No reaching out. I did nothing for my recovery. I thought I had it beat. I thought I was okay with just living.
Sober living doesn't work that way, does it? I've learned my lesson and I am forever so grateful for still being sober. I have to put these 3 things on my daily To-Do list:
1. I have to stay mindful. I have to stay in the present moment. I need to stop thinking of the past. I need to stop worrying about the future. They don't exist anymore. All I have is the present moment.
2. I have to give my will to God. I have to put my faith in my Higher Power's hands. I believe that everything that is put in my path is put there for a reason. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
3. I have to put my recovery first. Every single day! I have to read my Daily Reflections. I have to go to meetings. I have to connect with others, that are just like me. I have to blog. I have to remember where I'm coming from. I don't want to go back to those dark days of drinking, drinking, drinking.....
I'm grateful today for being sober. Still sober. Thank you God! There is no doubt in my mind that my Higher Power worked for me during the last few weeks. Its been tough.
I'm not sure what is setting me off really. My life is good. I'm healthy. I have a great home. I have healthy kids. I have a great career.
I think I just forgot to be mindful. I forgot to focus on the breath and the calmness I have within. I have to bring my awareness back to myself...to my inner self again. I was self-sabotaging for the past few weeks. I've been covering up my fears with food, wanting a drink, chaos, TV, isolating. I got caught up in wanting more than what I have. More more more.....always wanting more.
I forgot to trust that there is a plan set out for me and I just have to stop trying to make everything fit the way I want it to fit.
I forgot to put my recovery first. I did nothing for three weeks. No daily reading. No meetings. No blogging. No meditating. No reaching out. I did nothing for my recovery. I thought I had it beat. I thought I was okay with just living.
Sober living doesn't work that way, does it? I've learned my lesson and I am forever so grateful for still being sober. I have to put these 3 things on my daily To-Do list:
1. I have to stay mindful. I have to stay in the present moment. I need to stop thinking of the past. I need to stop worrying about the future. They don't exist anymore. All I have is the present moment.
2. I have to give my will to God. I have to put my faith in my Higher Power's hands. I believe that everything that is put in my path is put there for a reason. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
3. I have to put my recovery first. Every single day! I have to read my Daily Reflections. I have to go to meetings. I have to connect with others, that are just like me. I have to blog. I have to remember where I'm coming from. I don't want to go back to those dark days of drinking, drinking, drinking.....
Tuesday, 13 October 2015
Where is my Pink Cloud...Part 2
As I sat in on an open speaker meeting at the conference during the weekend, one gentleman mentioned this and it hit home for me....
"The pink cloud disappears when life happens"
Life happens whether we like it or not, whether we are ready or not, whether we want it or not. When we learn that we can't control most of the shit that happens to us on a daily basis, we can learn acceptance. It's so easy to forget this. It's so easy to throw in the towel and say "Fuck it...I'm done".
But what are we saying "I'm done" for? Am I really done living? Am I done fighting for peace and happiness? Am I done being sober and free? Am I really done accepting? Why is it so easy to just throw in the towel and say "I'm done, I'm gonna drink my face off"?
It's easy.
It's just easy.
It's easy to pick up a drink and say I'm done. It's easy to "tune out" of life for a while. It's easy to numb the pain and the feelings and the chaos.... Lets' just drink for a few hours and forget about life. Easy...Isn't it.
But, life is still going to happen the next day..... and the next.... and the next.....
I almost threw in the towel. I wanted to just forget about life for one day....or two....or a week..... Now, you and I both know that I would have forgotten about life a lot longer than that!
I've been searching for my pink cloud for a couple of weeks. It's not around me anymore. Life is. I'm living it and facing it as hard as it is. I will get on that cloud again. I know it's there.... a few miles away, but it's coming back.
I'm learning to feel again. I'm learning to deal with my emotions, my anger, my fears, my resentments. I'm learning to live the life that I have. I'm grateful for my life, but sometimes it's just so damn hard to face it. I'm doing it sober.
Today, I'm going to accept my life and all that comes my way. ...because it is happening to me for a reason. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.
"The pink cloud disappears when life happens"
Life happens whether we like it or not, whether we are ready or not, whether we want it or not. When we learn that we can't control most of the shit that happens to us on a daily basis, we can learn acceptance. It's so easy to forget this. It's so easy to throw in the towel and say "Fuck it...I'm done".
But what are we saying "I'm done" for? Am I really done living? Am I done fighting for peace and happiness? Am I done being sober and free? Am I really done accepting? Why is it so easy to just throw in the towel and say "I'm done, I'm gonna drink my face off"?
It's easy.
It's just easy.
It's easy to pick up a drink and say I'm done. It's easy to "tune out" of life for a while. It's easy to numb the pain and the feelings and the chaos.... Lets' just drink for a few hours and forget about life. Easy...Isn't it.
But, life is still going to happen the next day..... and the next.... and the next.....
I almost threw in the towel. I wanted to just forget about life for one day....or two....or a week..... Now, you and I both know that I would have forgotten about life a lot longer than that!
I've been searching for my pink cloud for a couple of weeks. It's not around me anymore. Life is. I'm living it and facing it as hard as it is. I will get on that cloud again. I know it's there.... a few miles away, but it's coming back.
I'm learning to feel again. I'm learning to deal with my emotions, my anger, my fears, my resentments. I'm learning to live the life that I have. I'm grateful for my life, but sometimes it's just so damn hard to face it. I'm doing it sober.
Today, I'm going to accept my life and all that comes my way. ...because it is happening to me for a reason. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.
Wednesday, 16 September 2015
...on Sober Living!
Hi everyone!
I'm sober! 263 DAYS IN!!!! Yahoo....
I'm just checking in to let you all know that I've been living soberly strong!
I am truly blessed. I've made it through the summer without and ounce of alcohol to get in the way. I've made it to Vegas for 5 days without the booze. I've survived stress and I am learning to live one day at a time.... without alcohol. My Higher Power, my God has truly removed the burden and obsession of wanting alcohol from my life.
I continue to go to AA meetings at least 2-3 times per week and have made wonderful friends there.
I'm starting to sober "date"....lol It's been tough due to the fact that there aren't a huge supply of single sober men out there. But I'm patient.
I've been quite busy lately because I went from focussing on alcohol to focussing on my health. I've learned so many thing over the last 8 months and I am now sharing my health journey with people around the world. I'm even working with a lady from Egypt. I've been working on my Health Blog but haven't gotten it running yet. I do have a Facebook page and have decided to share it with you.
Sometimes, we just need a little boost to get our asses in gear to kickstart to the new life we've been wanting for so long. Sometimes, we have to turn our focus from the bad shit, and focus on the good shit.
Once I get things going with that, I hope to post more on this blog for newly sober people. There just doesn't seem to be enough time in a day!
I hope my sober friends are doing well.....
and I'd love to see you on the other side.... "the healthy, I got my power and nobody is going to stop me side."
Get rid of alcohol, and all possibilities come back to your life.
I'm sober! 263 DAYS IN!!!! Yahoo....
I'm just checking in to let you all know that I've been living soberly strong!
I am truly blessed. I've made it through the summer without and ounce of alcohol to get in the way. I've made it to Vegas for 5 days without the booze. I've survived stress and I am learning to live one day at a time.... without alcohol. My Higher Power, my God has truly removed the burden and obsession of wanting alcohol from my life.
I continue to go to AA meetings at least 2-3 times per week and have made wonderful friends there.
I'm starting to sober "date"....lol It's been tough due to the fact that there aren't a huge supply of single sober men out there. But I'm patient.
I've been quite busy lately because I went from focussing on alcohol to focussing on my health. I've learned so many thing over the last 8 months and I am now sharing my health journey with people around the world. I'm even working with a lady from Egypt. I've been working on my Health Blog but haven't gotten it running yet. I do have a Facebook page and have decided to share it with you.
Sometimes, we just need a little boost to get our asses in gear to kickstart to the new life we've been wanting for so long. Sometimes, we have to turn our focus from the bad shit, and focus on the good shit.
Once I get things going with that, I hope to post more on this blog for newly sober people. There just doesn't seem to be enough time in a day!
I hope my sober friends are doing well.....
and I'd love to see you on the other side.... "the healthy, I got my power and nobody is going to stop me side."
Get rid of alcohol, and all possibilities come back to your life.
Tuesday, 21 July 2015
...on Thinking "Am I Missing Out?"
It's been a very busy week.
As some of you know, I've been torn about the idea of getting back together with my ex-husband. We've been apart for over 5 years now, and he has continuously been working at trying to win me over. I've come to the realization that I haven't really been free from him over the last few years. He's always there.... getting involved in my life.... no matter what I do... I haven't had much time to get to know me and figure out what I want or need in my life.
We've been spending time together for the past few weeks, with the kids... as a family. It's been nice.... but that's it.... just nice. I love being with my kids every single day. I love watching them grow, laugh and live their lives. But, when I'm with their father, I feel like there's something missing in our relationship. It's always been missing and it's time that I face that. I sometimes wonder if I'm just too damn picky and just not happy with anything. He's a great guy and great father, but we don't spark. We don't communicate. At all.
The meditation of the day in "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie speaks about letting go of resistance. It says ...don't be in such a hurry to move on... Relax. Breathe. Be in harmony today. Let today happen and don't worry about tomorrow's feelings, problems and gifts. So I'm doing that. I'm not making any major decisions today. I'm just letting things be and I'm believing that everything I need will be given to me today..... from God ... from the Universe.
I've had some thoughts about drinking during this past weekend. It hit me hard when we were camping in a tent and most people around the other camps were "socializing" with their drinks in hand. Alcohol sure was cunning, baffling and powerful to me. There was a constant battle in my head with alcohol. The booze was trying to convince me to drink it. It almost felt like it was sitting on my right shoulder, talking to me. Here are some things it said....
-You're not a "real" alcoholic Jen
-You could start drinking in moderation now
-Nobody will know if you pick up a six pack
-Everyone else is drinking around the campfire, doesn't it look fun?
-You're missing out on socializing with everyone
-What's the harm in having a few drinks once in a while
-They are drinking and they aren't thinking they're alcoholics....why are you thinking that?
DANG IT! The thoughts in my head didn't stop for a couple of days.... and it was hard.
I did a nice 10 KM run on Sunday, which helped tremendously! I came in 3rd place in my age category and that was exciting! Running sure does relieve a lot of stress in my body and mind. I love it so much and I'm so very grateful that I'm able to do it. If I didn't run as much as I do, and feel as healthy and blessed as I do, I'd be drinking.... I'd be stuck in the vicious cycle again. I just know it.
My big question today is .....Am I really missing out?
I guess I will always face those thoughts about alcohol. It must be normal to feel like I'm missing out on something fun at times. I know that I don't want to drink like I use to... and feel as shitty as I once did. I know that if I start drinking again, I will become the same "obsessed with alcohol" person that I once was. I know I don't want hangovers or sleepless nights anymore. I know that I want to stay healthy and focussed on the present moment.
So, I'll keep working it.... One day at a time.
As some of you know, I've been torn about the idea of getting back together with my ex-husband. We've been apart for over 5 years now, and he has continuously been working at trying to win me over. I've come to the realization that I haven't really been free from him over the last few years. He's always there.... getting involved in my life.... no matter what I do... I haven't had much time to get to know me and figure out what I want or need in my life.
We've been spending time together for the past few weeks, with the kids... as a family. It's been nice.... but that's it.... just nice. I love being with my kids every single day. I love watching them grow, laugh and live their lives. But, when I'm with their father, I feel like there's something missing in our relationship. It's always been missing and it's time that I face that. I sometimes wonder if I'm just too damn picky and just not happy with anything. He's a great guy and great father, but we don't spark. We don't communicate. At all.
The meditation of the day in "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie speaks about letting go of resistance. It says ...don't be in such a hurry to move on... Relax. Breathe. Be in harmony today. Let today happen and don't worry about tomorrow's feelings, problems and gifts. So I'm doing that. I'm not making any major decisions today. I'm just letting things be and I'm believing that everything I need will be given to me today..... from God ... from the Universe.
I've had some thoughts about drinking during this past weekend. It hit me hard when we were camping in a tent and most people around the other camps were "socializing" with their drinks in hand. Alcohol sure was cunning, baffling and powerful to me. There was a constant battle in my head with alcohol. The booze was trying to convince me to drink it. It almost felt like it was sitting on my right shoulder, talking to me. Here are some things it said....
-You're not a "real" alcoholic Jen
-You could start drinking in moderation now
-Nobody will know if you pick up a six pack
-Everyone else is drinking around the campfire, doesn't it look fun?
-You're missing out on socializing with everyone
-What's the harm in having a few drinks once in a while
-They are drinking and they aren't thinking they're alcoholics....why are you thinking that?
DANG IT! The thoughts in my head didn't stop for a couple of days.... and it was hard.
I did a nice 10 KM run on Sunday, which helped tremendously! I came in 3rd place in my age category and that was exciting! Running sure does relieve a lot of stress in my body and mind. I love it so much and I'm so very grateful that I'm able to do it. If I didn't run as much as I do, and feel as healthy and blessed as I do, I'd be drinking.... I'd be stuck in the vicious cycle again. I just know it.
My big question today is .....Am I really missing out?
I guess I will always face those thoughts about alcohol. It must be normal to feel like I'm missing out on something fun at times. I know that I don't want to drink like I use to... and feel as shitty as I once did. I know that if I start drinking again, I will become the same "obsessed with alcohol" person that I once was. I know I don't want hangovers or sleepless nights anymore. I know that I want to stay healthy and focussed on the present moment.
So, I'll keep working it.... One day at a time.
Thursday, 16 July 2015
...on Recovery @ Day 200
There's something about this number that gets me excited about being sober for this long. I'm not sure what it is..... double the 100 Day Challenge maybe..... -first time I've been sober for this long maybe.... -closer to 1 year sober maybe..... I'm just so grateful to be here, celebrating 200 days of sobriety.
Recovery in the beginning was just a word that meant it's time for me to stop drinking and get healthy again. As I read blogs and articles, I'm discovering so much more.
Recovery in the beginning was just a word that meant it's time for me to stop drinking and get healthy again. As I read blogs and articles, I'm discovering so much more.
I love this definition of recovery.
...to return to the original self
This brings me back to being a child. My original self, before I picked up a drink was full of hope, life and love. She didn't know that alcohol would rob her of so much beauty in the world. She didn't know that alcohol would make her sick and tired. She thought it was normal to drink everyday because that's what she saw.
It's kinda hard for me to think about going back to my original self because as a child, I lived in fear, guilt and anxieties. I was surrounded by a world full of resentment, anger and shame. I have vague memories of my childhood and I'll tell you, they aren't the best ones.
But when I look at a baby and think about a newborn child coming into this world, this definition makes so much sense to me. It's exactly where I need to go. A baby comes into this world full of love, joy and hope. They are filled with contentment and the universe loves them. They know no judgement and they aren't judged. They have courage and face their fears. They learn and discover all that surrounds them. They have no guilt or shame. They just live.... in the moment, without worrying about what everyone else thinks.
I am so blessed to have an opportunity to really watch my children today. I've always watched them and guided them, but today I see them through sober eyes and it's so very different. I see the love, hope and joy in their lives and it makes me want to go right there... where they are. My kids live in the moment. I am learning so much from them. They are my greatest teachers in this lifetime. They are teaching me to go back to my original self.
Wednesday, 15 July 2015
...on AA
Most of my followers know how much I love my AA meetings. When I walk into those rooms, I feel such a great sense of calmness and spirituality. So much love. So little judgement. So much understanding.
I'm blessed to have found many new sober friends through the program. They've saved my life and I truly believe that my Higher Power has worked through many of them to teach me how to live again....without alcohol.
I found a great article on 12 Things You Should Know About AA
I believe that everyone has to find what works best for them in recovery. If you're struggling, reach out! Go to any lengths to stop the cycle. Find out what works for you!
Have a blessed day!
I'm blessed to have found many new sober friends through the program. They've saved my life and I truly believe that my Higher Power has worked through many of them to teach me how to live again....without alcohol.
I found a great article on 12 Things You Should Know About AA
I believe that everyone has to find what works best for them in recovery. If you're struggling, reach out! Go to any lengths to stop the cycle. Find out what works for you!
Have a blessed day!
Saturday, 11 July 2015
Alcohol....because no great story started with someone eating a salad!
I was excited to chair my second AA meeting last night. It's great to sit at the head of the table and inspire others to quit drinking and find the sobriety, peace and happiness I have found. I truly believe that it's exactly where I belong and where I'm supposed to be.....
Nothing beats a room full of grateful alcoholics in recovery, sharing their stories of hope, strength and serenity.
Before the meeting, I was blessed to have dinner with a member from the group. We went to a nice family restaurant here in Ontario called East Side Mario's. This sign was placed at the front entrance.
Well, my first thought was... WTF! Isn't this a family restaurant? Why are they promoting alcohol instead of salad? Then, I thought.... OMG ... these people must not read many great stories. Then, I thought... HMMMM.... I think my story did start with alcohol instead of salad......
The thing is I'm choosing to make sure that my story has a happy ending. My story ends with a lifetime of peace, sobriety and happiness. Would my story have been different if it didn't start with alcohol? Maybe.
All I know for sure is that if I wasn't an alcoholic, recovery wouldn't have been an option for me. I wouldn't have found this gift of recovery and recovery, my friends, is one of the greatest gifts I could have ever received.
Recovery, today, gives me an opportunity to see how I don't want to spend the rest of my life. It helps me see that being drunk can't be an option anymore. I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want hangovers. I don't want to be bloated. I don't want to lose sleep. I don't want to be numb and oblivious. I don't want to feed my body with toxic liquid stuff that is hurting my liver. I don't need liquid courage. I don't want my kids to see me drunk and puking. I don't want to waste more time living in denial and in a fog. I don't want to die.
Truth is ... drinking made me feel dead. I was just living by going through the motions of life. I wasn't present for any of it for so many years.
Recovery has helped me find the stillness and peacefulness and joys and freedom that life has to offer. It's so friggen amazing and wonderful. I'm so very grateful for this.
My story may have started with alcohol.... but I'll tell ya.... I'm glad it's not going to end with it....
Nothing beats a room full of grateful alcoholics in recovery, sharing their stories of hope, strength and serenity.
Before the meeting, I was blessed to have dinner with a member from the group. We went to a nice family restaurant here in Ontario called East Side Mario's. This sign was placed at the front entrance.
 |
| Alcohol....because no great story started with someone eating a salad! |
The thing is I'm choosing to make sure that my story has a happy ending. My story ends with a lifetime of peace, sobriety and happiness. Would my story have been different if it didn't start with alcohol? Maybe.
All I know for sure is that if I wasn't an alcoholic, recovery wouldn't have been an option for me. I wouldn't have found this gift of recovery and recovery, my friends, is one of the greatest gifts I could have ever received.
Recovery, today, gives me an opportunity to see how I don't want to spend the rest of my life. It helps me see that being drunk can't be an option anymore. I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want hangovers. I don't want to be bloated. I don't want to lose sleep. I don't want to be numb and oblivious. I don't want to feed my body with toxic liquid stuff that is hurting my liver. I don't need liquid courage. I don't want my kids to see me drunk and puking. I don't want to waste more time living in denial and in a fog. I don't want to die.
Truth is ... drinking made me feel dead. I was just living by going through the motions of life. I wasn't present for any of it for so many years.
Recovery has helped me find the stillness and peacefulness and joys and freedom that life has to offer. It's so friggen amazing and wonderful. I'm so very grateful for this.
My story may have started with alcohol.... but I'll tell ya.... I'm glad it's not going to end with it....
Friday, 10 July 2015
...On Emotions
It is so very normal to feel emotional in early sobriety. We are so use to numbing our emotions and feelings. We've avoided feeling them since we started drinking..... So, if you started drinking at 13, you'll feel like a 13 year old, trying to deal with emotions. We must learn to feel them and accept them. We must learn to breathe, then let them go..... We can't allow our feelings to sit in the pit of our bodies anymore. Ask you HP for help. He will work in mysterious ways if you want Him to. Have faith and believe. Acceptance is key! Healing takes time.....One day at a time....
Wednesday, 8 July 2015
Get Excited About Sobriety!
Sobriety is something to get excited about!
Okay! Let me press rewind.
If you're not sober yet, you're thinking.... ya right!
I'm not going to beat around the bush and tell you that getting sober is easy, fun and exciting. It's not! It's not easy! It takes a tremendous amount of work! So much work! Every single day kinda work. It's not always very fun either. We have to learn to feel and deal with life .... soberly. And, how exciting could it really be...... giving up something we truly love?
I have to remind myself everyday that I can't drink like most people. I have to remember the times that I puked all over my friend's bathroom floor, or passed out from such a bad hangover that my 2 year old was sitting on me trying to wake me up, or the time my friends had to drop me off at home and I was too drunk to let them know where I live, so they knocked on the door and when my 17 year old answered, they said ...is this your mom? How embarrassing.... for him! I remember the wasted days of feeling hungover....so many of them. I remember looking at my swollen face and thinking....holy shit I'm aging so fast. I remember tossing and turning every single night in hopes that my hangover wouldn't be too bad the next day. Drinking wasn't always fun for me. It was exhausting most of the time!
Then, I have to remember that I can't just have one "social" drink, or two. I want more than just "a couple" of beer or glasses of wine. Something happens to my mind and body and I want and crave more and more..... I want to drink until there is no more booze in the house and I can't feel, see or hear anything because I'm so numb to the world around me. That's how my mind works when I'm drinking. It doesn't work! It's just numb. I lived life in a fog.... not present at all, or even aware of the beauty of life that surrounded me. No spirituality. No love for life. No loving myself or others the way I was meant to love. Just numb.
I wake up everyday and feel grateful for being sober and healthy. I ask my Higher Power and seek daily spiritual experiences. I've learned to be aware and conscious of the world around me. I decide that today is going to be a super beautiful, wonderful day and nothing will have the capability to change that. I accept all things that come my way to the fullest consciousness of my abilities. I stay calm. I breathe. I try to eat as healthy as I can because I want to feed my body with love. I run. I read. I tweet. I blog. I am worth it! I say that everyday! I am worth fighting for! I love the health benefits of being sober! Words cannot begin to describe them! I'm not tired anymore! I'm not sick anymore! I'm alive! In spirit! In love! Now, that's exciting!
In the beginning, I saw no excitement in getting sober. It took me several attempts to get and remain sober and spiritual but nothing seemed to work. I walked into the AA rooms twice and refused to listen to the little whispers that were telling me how great life could be. I continuously found myself in the vicious cycle of drinking on a daily basis, including starting at noon to cure my weekend hangover! I wanted to fit in and be a part of the rest of the drinking fun and exciting crowd so I drank with them. I drank alone. I hid my booze. I was sick. It wasn't fun anymore. It was a chore to drink. I was tired. I was sick of being sick and tired.
It's hard to tell someone who's trapped in the vicious cycle of drinking alcohol how amazing sobriety is.... because it's so friggen scary and it's so friggen hard to imagine a life without it! Sobriety is scary! I was scared to quit drinking. It was the only thing I had that made me feel good about myself. It was the only thing I had that made me feel like I was in control of my life. It was the only thing that helped me deal with the pain from my past, my anxieties for my future and the tonnes of insecurities I felt on a daily basis.
But, the truth is Sobriety is so exciting! Once we see that alcohol isn't needed to make us feel worthy of love for ourselves and others, we experience true freedom! One day at a time. We begin to see how amazing we feel every single morning. We discover what freedom is all about! We discover who we really are and how strong we are without alcohol. We see how helping others is a great accomplishment in our lives. We make new sober friends. We laugh again. We learn to let go and breathe. We become healthy....mind, body and soul. Sobriety becomes so friggen exciting! It took me a while to figure this out but I am so excited about being sober. It's great to be alive again! I've never really been alive yet.... all my life I hid from myself. I'm so friggen alive!! It's exciting!
Get excited about getting sober! Change your thoughts. Only YOU..... have the power to do this!
Okay! Let me press rewind.
If you're not sober yet, you're thinking.... ya right!
I'm not going to beat around the bush and tell you that getting sober is easy, fun and exciting. It's not! It's not easy! It takes a tremendous amount of work! So much work! Every single day kinda work. It's not always very fun either. We have to learn to feel and deal with life .... soberly. And, how exciting could it really be...... giving up something we truly love?
I have to remind myself everyday that I can't drink like most people. I have to remember the times that I puked all over my friend's bathroom floor, or passed out from such a bad hangover that my 2 year old was sitting on me trying to wake me up, or the time my friends had to drop me off at home and I was too drunk to let them know where I live, so they knocked on the door and when my 17 year old answered, they said ...is this your mom? How embarrassing.... for him! I remember the wasted days of feeling hungover....so many of them. I remember looking at my swollen face and thinking....holy shit I'm aging so fast. I remember tossing and turning every single night in hopes that my hangover wouldn't be too bad the next day. Drinking wasn't always fun for me. It was exhausting most of the time!
Then, I have to remember that I can't just have one "social" drink, or two. I want more than just "a couple" of beer or glasses of wine. Something happens to my mind and body and I want and crave more and more..... I want to drink until there is no more booze in the house and I can't feel, see or hear anything because I'm so numb to the world around me. That's how my mind works when I'm drinking. It doesn't work! It's just numb. I lived life in a fog.... not present at all, or even aware of the beauty of life that surrounded me. No spirituality. No love for life. No loving myself or others the way I was meant to love. Just numb.
I wake up everyday and feel grateful for being sober and healthy. I ask my Higher Power and seek daily spiritual experiences. I've learned to be aware and conscious of the world around me. I decide that today is going to be a super beautiful, wonderful day and nothing will have the capability to change that. I accept all things that come my way to the fullest consciousness of my abilities. I stay calm. I breathe. I try to eat as healthy as I can because I want to feed my body with love. I run. I read. I tweet. I blog. I am worth it! I say that everyday! I am worth fighting for! I love the health benefits of being sober! Words cannot begin to describe them! I'm not tired anymore! I'm not sick anymore! I'm alive! In spirit! In love! Now, that's exciting!
In the beginning, I saw no excitement in getting sober. It took me several attempts to get and remain sober and spiritual but nothing seemed to work. I walked into the AA rooms twice and refused to listen to the little whispers that were telling me how great life could be. I continuously found myself in the vicious cycle of drinking on a daily basis, including starting at noon to cure my weekend hangover! I wanted to fit in and be a part of the rest of the drinking fun and exciting crowd so I drank with them. I drank alone. I hid my booze. I was sick. It wasn't fun anymore. It was a chore to drink. I was tired. I was sick of being sick and tired.
It's hard to tell someone who's trapped in the vicious cycle of drinking alcohol how amazing sobriety is.... because it's so friggen scary and it's so friggen hard to imagine a life without it! Sobriety is scary! I was scared to quit drinking. It was the only thing I had that made me feel good about myself. It was the only thing I had that made me feel like I was in control of my life. It was the only thing that helped me deal with the pain from my past, my anxieties for my future and the tonnes of insecurities I felt on a daily basis.
But, the truth is Sobriety is so exciting! Once we see that alcohol isn't needed to make us feel worthy of love for ourselves and others, we experience true freedom! One day at a time. We begin to see how amazing we feel every single morning. We discover what freedom is all about! We discover who we really are and how strong we are without alcohol. We see how helping others is a great accomplishment in our lives. We make new sober friends. We laugh again. We learn to let go and breathe. We become healthy....mind, body and soul. Sobriety becomes so friggen exciting! It took me a while to figure this out but I am so excited about being sober. It's great to be alive again! I've never really been alive yet.... all my life I hid from myself. I'm so friggen alive!! It's exciting!
Get excited about getting sober! Change your thoughts. Only YOU..... have the power to do this!
Wednesday, 1 July 2015
... on Choices
Alcohol.... so unhealthy.....
Takes away your sleep. Dehydrates your cells. Causes liver disease. Shrinks the frontal lobes of your brain. Causes weight gain and bloating. Weakens your immune system. Causes depression. Controls who you are.
Picking up that drink is a choice. I have a choice to put alcohol into my body and feel sick with all of the symptoms listed up above or I can choose to not pick up that first drink.
I've tried to quit drinking so many times before and every time I went back to drinking, I found myself in the same "unhealthy" place. Sick. Tired. Bloated. Unhappy. Sleep deprived. Miserable. Uptight. Such a vicious cycle.
There comes a time when you just have to realize and be okay with the fact that you just can't drink like everyone else. It doesn't make us feel good anymore so why do it? Cravings? Thirsty? There are so many healthier options that will not hurt the body! And the mind! And the soul!
I have one body. I'd rather feed my cells with ice cold water and healthy nutrients from now on. I want it to last for a long long time.
I've been sober for 6 whole months and I've never felt healthier. I'm reaping the benefits of not putting alcohol through my body. I sleep like a baby. I'm running again. I'm 2.5 pounds away from my goal weight! (lost 16.5 pounds since I quit drinking alcohol!) I put on a bikini yesterday for the first time in my life! I know my liver is doing a happy dance in there. So happy. I feel healthy. I feel my cells tingle with excitement sometimes. It's a great feeling. I feel strong. I'm making a choice and I'm not letting alcohol be in control anymore. I'm in control. I'm making healthy choices because I'm worth it!
We are so lucky to have been given the ability to make choices. Nobody is forcing us to drink alcohol and hurt our body. It's a choice we are making. A choice!
Decide on making healthy choices today.... because you are worth it!
Takes away your sleep. Dehydrates your cells. Causes liver disease. Shrinks the frontal lobes of your brain. Causes weight gain and bloating. Weakens your immune system. Causes depression. Controls who you are.
Picking up that drink is a choice. I have a choice to put alcohol into my body and feel sick with all of the symptoms listed up above or I can choose to not pick up that first drink.
I've tried to quit drinking so many times before and every time I went back to drinking, I found myself in the same "unhealthy" place. Sick. Tired. Bloated. Unhappy. Sleep deprived. Miserable. Uptight. Such a vicious cycle.
There comes a time when you just have to realize and be okay with the fact that you just can't drink like everyone else. It doesn't make us feel good anymore so why do it? Cravings? Thirsty? There are so many healthier options that will not hurt the body! And the mind! And the soul!
I have one body. I'd rather feed my cells with ice cold water and healthy nutrients from now on. I want it to last for a long long time.
I've been sober for 6 whole months and I've never felt healthier. I'm reaping the benefits of not putting alcohol through my body. I sleep like a baby. I'm running again. I'm 2.5 pounds away from my goal weight! (lost 16.5 pounds since I quit drinking alcohol!) I put on a bikini yesterday for the first time in my life! I know my liver is doing a happy dance in there. So happy. I feel healthy. I feel my cells tingle with excitement sometimes. It's a great feeling. I feel strong. I'm making a choice and I'm not letting alcohol be in control anymore. I'm in control. I'm making healthy choices because I'm worth it!
We are so lucky to have been given the ability to make choices. Nobody is forcing us to drink alcohol and hurt our body. It's a choice we are making. A choice!
Decide on making healthy choices today.... because you are worth it!
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