...In My Path (Part 2....Sober Celebration Date)

The second thing that has helped me stay sober during the holidays is the fact that my one year AA celebration is going to be held on January 8th.

When we were planning the date for my party, I was quite disappointed that it was to be so far from my "real" sober date of December 27th.  The reasons were as follows.  I belong to the Friday Night Beginner's Group.  December 25th and January 1st were the days our meetings fall on, and unfortunately, the church needs the hall for their own events.   This meant that my celebration had to be pushed ahead to January 8th...which is this Friday.

A blessing in disguise?

I think so.  

You see, the thing is ....my kids are really really looking forward to my one year celebration.  They have attended a couple of AA events and have met many of my new friends, also known as my new family members.   They remind me often that my one year party is coming up.  Now, if I would have had my party sooner, I may have dranken during the holidays, if that's even a word.   My mind was a little fucked up here and there.  Being around drinkers and craving something to numb the pain found me weak several times.  I wanted to fit in.  I wanted to drink.  Part of me felt that hitting my one year sober date of Dec 27th, had given me enough strength to think that I wasn't an alcoholic anymore.  My friend even tried to convince me that I should be good now, since I made it past a year and she told me that I should be able to control it.  I believed her.   And, as much as my mind wandered into thinking that I had this whole addiction thing down pat, I still didn't pick up a drink.

Now, imagine, if I'd have taken even a little sip of wine during my struggles over the last couple of weeks!   There's no way in hell I could have lived with myself if I'd have slipped, not tell anyone and attended my one year celebration.  And, even though I thought about doing it quite often, I didn't.

I stayed sober.   One year and one week....almost 2.  My kids eyes will shine when they see me get that medallion I worked so hard for.  I can't wait to see that!

It was worth fighting for.

....In My Path (Part 1...Closed Liquor Stores? Really?)

I didn't drink.

I wanted to drink several times during the holidays.   And, every single time that alcohol was on my mind, God put someone or something in my path to detour me from my cravings....from my need....from my wanting to fit in....from my needing to numb the pain.

I have learned so much about myself over the last two weeks.  I have grown more than I have ever grown.

December 27th was my 1 year soberversary!  Yay me!  It was on this day a year ago that I decided that I didn't want to feel like shit any longer.  It was on this day that I read a meditation from the book "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie.  I will post this meditation later.  I quietly celebrated with my best friend.  We went for dinner and had desert and I celebrated.  It was quiet.  It was nice.

It may be hard for you to believe this, but the night before, I drove to two liquor stores.  What were the odds that they were both closed?  It was 4 o'clock for God sakes.  This was my path....

What lead me there? What lead me to sit in my car in front of a liquor store, wondering what the hell life was all about...wondering if I was willing to give up a whole year of hard work for one night of pure oblivion?  What lead me to a desperate state of wanting to numb my body and mind with a great big fuckin box of red wine?

Pain!  

Pain from my past that I thought I fucking dealt with.   I thought I had all the valves shut, but little did I know, I didn't.

A good friend and I have been spending a lot of time together.  She asked me a couple of tough questions about my past that were hard for me to answer, and all hell broke lose in mind and body and soul.

I suddenly found myself at 14 years old, laying in bed with a guy that my uncle brought to camp.  I was that young, innocent girl again feeling the pain and shame from the moment that he touched me....wondering where my uncle was?  Was he watching me?  Was he allowing this to happen?  Wasn't he supposed to protect me?  I felt my body shut down like it has never shut down before and I remembered.  

I remembered why I started drinking at such a young age.  I remember just wanting to numb all that part of me.  I don't really know if I was raped because I put up a wall in my head.  A wall that won't let me remember.  At 44 years old, my mind and body went back to being that little girl, in one instant...just like that!  I could literally feel my skin crawl!

And, all I could do was drive.... drive to find some way of numbing the pain again.  I didn't want to feel.  I didn't want my body to feel the way it felt....the anxiety, the shame, the guilt.  But, it was there.  And, I was mad.  I was mad because I honestly thought that all of those valves of the past had been shut!

Fuck

After I sat in my car, in front of the liquor store, wondering why the fuck two of them were closed in my small town, telling myself to drive to the city to get me a box of wine, and feeling the pain, I drove home.  I entered my garage, shut the car down and closed my eyes.  I fell asleep in an instant.

I woke up 20 minutes later and went to sleep in my bed.  I was exhausted.  I made plans to attend the morning meeting and the evening meeting the next day and I then I went to bed.

I can sit here today and tell you that the whole experience that went on that day, on December 26th, the day before my one year sober date, happened to me for a very important reason.  I didn't know that at the time, but I sure as hell know it today.  I know why the two liquor stores were closed too.  They were meant to be closed.....

....for me.

The next few days brought me the greatest spiritual awakening I've ever had.  I can't wait to tell you about all of the things that came into my path!

Hugs.
SoberMommy

....Alcohol Will Surround Me

I'm headed out to mom and dad's tonight.  I expressed my concerns about the situation I'll be in over the next few days at my meeting last night.

I will be surrounded by alcohol.

And, in my moment of weakness, as I chaired the meeting that I wasn't planning on attending, a member reminded me of this very important fact.  

I am a fighter!

These were his words:

"Jen.  In the short time I've known you and seen you in this program, there's one thing I notice about you.  You're a fighter. You put on those boxing gloves and you fight.  Fight off that little voice in your head or punch off the little guy on your shoulders.  Just don't stop fighting.  I'd admire you for being a fighter.  It makes me wanna fight too"

A message from up above?   I think so.  Nothing happens by mistake.

So, I will fight this week.  I will remember why I gave up alcohol in the first place.  It is shit and it will make my life shitty.  I know that.  I just have to remember that, in my times of weakness.

It's been my mom's dream to have all the family together at Christmas in her beautiful home on the lake.  I want to make her dreams come true.  I may not stay long.  Hell, I may even come back home to my safe place tomorrow (4 hour drive), but I will not drink.  I want mom to be happy.  I love mom.  She needs her family.  I will be a strong, loving, sober, fun, happy, daughter.  And when dad becomes a drunken ass, I will go to bed and read and pray.

Who Am I?

Many of you know that I've been struggling with self-esteem issues lately.  I have zero confidence.  When I look in the mirror, I see a woman who is aging.... a woman who has lost her identity.  I don't like her.  I don't even know her.

When I was drinking I really didn't have these issues.   Well...maybe I was just in denial.  I'm not really sure what shifted for me.  What changed so drastically in my life that I now feel like I'm walking around on eggshells all the time?  I am living in constant fear of what other people think of me.  I worry about what they will think of the decisions I make in my life, with what I look like, with my behaviours.  I am constantly worried about what I say or do, and sugarcoat everything in hopes to not "upset" someone or create an uncomfortable feeling in them, or in me.

It's wrong.  I can't be honest.  I can't be me.   Something huge is preventing me from being the me that I am supposed to be.  Who am I anyway?

I've been really working hard at it, but I'm struggling really badly.  I've built this huge wall of bricks around me.  My struggles are causing me to isolate and stay alone.  I am quiet.  I push people away because it's just easier for me to not have to worry about how they feel about me.  And, this internal struggle makes me think that if I go back to drinking, I can just be happy again. ....and stop all this worry.  I can talk the talk and walk the walk and I can go back to being confident, independent and strong.  

I am weak.

I am vulnerable.

I am aware of this.

I'm reading a book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Browne.   I signed up for the e-course months ago, but I haven't had the chance to complete the lessons.  The book is great.  I need to focus on the readings and read more.   I need a time-out.

The sub-title of the book is "Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are"

I've got a lot of work to do.  I want to embrace who I am, but I honestly don't know who I am yet.

How do I find my identity again?  How do I find my confidence?  How do I stop giving a shit about everyone else in this world so that I can be me?

I'm hoping to get answers soon....  real soon.

On another note, I managed to get my tree up this morning, with coffee in hand.  Kids are happy.  Mommy is happy.

...on Struggles

I want to drink.  I don't want to drink.  I want to drink.  I don't want to drink.  I want to drink.  I don't want to drink.

That's how my mind has been working lately.  It thinks it's missing out on some fun.  It really believes that it's been missing out on some fun.

My staff party was last night.  I didn't go.  I wanted to go, but there's a big part of me that's still afraid to show my sober side.   My co-workers hounded me all week to go, because they love the fact that I was the life of the party at every event!

I wasn't a bad drunk.  I wasn't mean.  I was so much fun!  I had confidence.  I was alive.  I didn't give a shit about what other people thought of me.  I miss that!  A lot!

I'm stuck in these "feelings" now.  I'm sober so I have no way of hiding.  I'm trying to find my confidence, again.  It's gone.  I'm trying to be fun and I'm trying to be alive ....and it's so damn hard!  I want to crawl and hide in a big hole.

The only reason I quit drinking in the first place was because I didn't like hangovers or losing sleep.  I also quit for my kids.  They annoyed me every time I drank.  But damn it, I am missing my fun-loving, easy-going, party girl, that was full of life and joy.

My sister went out dancing last night.  I didn't go.  I wanted to go.

I didn't even put my Christmas Tree up yet!  I never did that without drinking!

Argh!

...on Sober Dating.

Sober Dating.

What the heck is that?

A friend of mine from work set me up on a date with one of her really good friends.  In other words, my drinking buddy set me up with one of her drinking buddies.   Does that even make sense?

We had a breakfast meet up last weekend.  It was nice.  I was safe.  No need for alcohol at breakfast.  I made him aware of the fact that I don't drink after he talked about how much he loved red wine and loved wine tasting tours, and loved sipping on wine while in the kitchen cooking, or loved having a glass of wine with his meals.   I made him aware.  I just said, "You should know that I don't drink."  He never asked why.  He just said that he respected that.  I'll call him C.

I like C.  He's a gentleman.  He makes me laugh.  He's friendly, kind and sincere.  We text and chat often and I love getting to know him.

He likes wine.

I can't like wine.

...and in the bottom of my pit.....I want to like wine again.

We went out for dinner last night.  Water was brought to the table in a jar (thank God).  I told him he could have a glass of wine, out of courtesy, if he wanted and he said he would with dinner.  Then came the big question.  Why don't you drink?

I DON'T WANT TO ANSWER THAT RIGHT NOW is what I wanted to say.

I don't like that question.  I'm not about to tell a new "friend" who is my old friend's friend that I think I'm an alcoholic or that I have drinking problem and I can't drink the shit!

I guess he can tell that the question made me uncomfortable because I hesitated when I started to speak.  He brushed me off and said...oh no worries.  I was just curious as to why.... maybe you're focussing on your health? .....maybe you just choose to not drink?.... I said yes...yes..  That's it!

I told him that I wanted to take a year from drinking because I wanted to focus on my health.  I told him as I age, I find that my body can't handle booze like it use to and I got really bad hangovers when I drank.  I told him that my parents were drinkers and I didn't want to be like them.

All true stuff.  But then he thought....Oh your year is almost up....then we can have wine together.

This is where I'm stuck my sober blogging buddies....and I need lots of help

Part of me wants to convince myself that I'm okay to start drinking wine with this guy.  We both have dreams to travel.  I want to have a glass of wine with him when we travel.  I want to have a glass of wine while he cooks for me.  I want it all!

Is he dangerous to me?  I know he is.  I know this is a dangerous situation for me.  I like him.  I like wine.  I don't want to be alone again.  I've been alone for 5 years!!

I'm shaking in my boots.  I'm going to see him tonight.

...on The Inner World

"When I quit drinking, 

the world on the outside got better,

but the world on the inside got worse."

I heard this sentence at the gratitude dinner I attended in my town last weekend.  A gratitude dinner is an annual event that includes a wonderful dinner, guest speaker and a dance.

I had a wonderful evening.  It amazed me to watch over 300 people dancing their feet off on the dance floor, socializing, laughing, and sober....something we don't get to see very often.

The guest speaker said many things that I could relate to....but the sentence above really stood out.  I even wrote it down on a napkin at my table.

It is so true how my life has changed on the inside.  It feels like I'm in constant turmoil with my thoughts and emotions now.  My self-esteem has dropped.  I lack confidence.  I lack energy.  I lack some sort of sense of contentment.  I feel like I'm living in fear of the world around me.  Fear of what people think.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of the future.  Fear of damn decisions I have to make.  I'm not sure how this happens when I was so confident, independent and happy .....when I had a drink in hand.....

It's not easy to get sober.  Not because I'm giving up the booze.  It's more because I'm learning to live life without it.  It's the life part that's tough.  Alcohol just covered up all the shit that was buried deep within.

I know that now.

And now, it's coming out.  The shit.  And, I'm still trying to figure it out.....without succumbing to my need or want for a drink.

I'm doing it though.   Living without alcohol.  I never thought in a millions years I'd get this far.

I don't know what tomorrow brings.  I can't change the past.  I'm trying so hard to live for today....in the present moment....

And, with this present moment, I'm sober.

Breathing.

,,,I Remember.

It doesn't cease to amaze me.  The power alcohol has over my life.

I seem to have all the tools I need to stay sober one moment, and in a blink of an eye, they all disappear.  

Something happens to me when someone or something makes me feel uncomfortable.  I get this overwhelming fear and sense of anxiety and I feel like the insides of my chest is notting up uncontrollably.  

I forget about all the tools that I've found over the last two months.  Tools such as the Serenity Prayer,  the Big Book, the meetings, the blog, the peace and serenity, the prayers, the gratitude, the new sober friends, my sponsor, the freedom.  

I forget about all the great things that have happened to me since I picked up my last drink and I want to go back there.  

And, in all the cuffufle of my crazy ass days, lately, I somehow manage to find myself sitting at a meeting, listening to the whispers and remembering why I'm here in the first place.  The moment I walk into the room of AA, I feel love, support, kindness and compassion.  

And then, I remember. 

When the young 24 year old talks about the crazy hangovers he had and spending all his Saturdays in bed because he was too sick to move.... I remember.

When the mom of 3 tells about her story of being the drinking mom that she was....hiding her booze, drinking before driving her kids to their activities... I remember.

When the ole timer talks about drinking on a daily basis and not living his life in the moment or appreciating all the wonderful things in his life.... I remember.

When the young girl, coming out of detox, talks about always wanting more material things in her life and not being grateful for what she has, .....I remember.

When the man talks about saying the Serenity Prayer on a daily basis, because sometimes things are not in our control, and we have to live life on life's terms, instead of trying to control it....I remember.

The point is.... I only feel like I get those Aha moments when I walk into those rooms.   

And,  somehow, something, someone, or some kind of force helps me get into my car at the end of the day, (when all I want is nothing but a drink), and gets me to the place....

...that reminds me of why I got sober in the first place.

 

...on WTF!

Thank you for all your great comments on my last post.  I've decided to stay home this weekend and avoid the big party all together.   Although I'm doing this so that I don't drink, I still have urges to drink, especially when shit happens in my life.

For the last month or two, I've been praying.  I've been trying to let go of my financial burden and I've been asking God to give me a hand somehow.  I've legitimately made changes to the budget plan and continue to scramble to survive on a monthly basis to make ends meet.  I have a super job ...thank goodness, but I also have a lot of debt and bills and I just can't afford any extras at the end of the month.  I'm even tutoring a few kids on the side for some extra cash.

I have always kept $500 emergency fund in my account and always keep that money there, just in case something comes up.  

It's gone!  

Someone stole the last of my money.  Someone drained my account of the last of the money I had and worked so hard for from an ATM in another country.   Like, WTF!  How does this shit happen?  I don't understand how someone could duplicate my card, find out my PIN and drain my account!

And, besides all the other shit going on in my life, kids, work, loneliness, winter is coming blues, I get into these crazy urges to just drink!

I've always believed that everything happens for a reason.  There's a lesson to be learned in all that happens to us.  I'm having a hard time with this one.

I keep thinking about my sober friend, Sober Mummy, at Mummy Was a Secret Drinker.  I'm not sure how someone could be so strong when faced with such diagnosis.  I sometimes wonder if I'd be that strong.

Why do I want to drink whenever my heart and body palpitate with stress?  I seem to resort to that "escape plan" every time I'm under stress.

It's like a cycle.  Stress comes.  My body reacts.  My heart pounds.  I get anxious.  I get fearful.  I want to drink.

Although, in the moment of stress, all I can think about is a nice big glass of vino, I think I'm learning to "feel" the emotions that comes with everyday living lately.  And, even though, I think about resorting to alcohol for and "escape", I don't.

How this happens?  I'm still not sure.

I just know that I'm doing it one day at a time.  Trying to figure this thing out....

Life.

Am I a Dry Drunk?

I wondered what the term "Dry Drunk" meant for a long time.

I'm living it I think.

I'm stuck.  I talked about it at the meeting last night.  Cried.  Got some advice.  ...and I will definitely apply it to my life today.

All my life, I grew up around a miserable, resentful mother.  She drank daily with my father.  They seemed angry all of the time.   A few years ago, my mother told me she resented me as a child.  She was pissed off because I stood in their way.... I was there.  They wanted to drink.  They wanted to party.  I was there.  In the way.

I told myself that I would never be like my mother when I grew up.  I made a promise when I was younger to be a better mom.

I became her.

Resentful.

Angry.

Alcoholic.

When I drank, I was happy for a while until they stood in my way.  I would yell and swear, just like my mother did, to the point where I could hear her voice in me.  I would see the look of fear and loss of trust build up in my kids when this happened.  The way they looked at me was the way I looked at my mom when she was in her fury.

So, I quit drinking.  I thought it would solve all my problems.  I thought "Now I will be a better mom!"  I found some sense of spirituality and Being for several months.

But, for some reason, I'm still struggling with the anger, resentment and impatient part.  Life is so hectic.  I seem to be in a rush for nothing.  I'm not going anywhere really, so why do I lose  my shit when I'm trying to help my kids with homework, or when I have to clean the house cause someone left a damn mess, or when they are fighting.  I get so impatient when things aren't perfect.  Why?

Is this what's considered "Dry Drunk"?  Am I just living like I use to live, but this time without consuming alcohol.... in anger, resentment and fear?   I feel like a ticking time bomb....just waiting till something or someone pisses me off enough for me to go out and get my bottle of vino!  Just waiting for a good reason to drink.

I don't want to drink.  I don't want to go back to numbing.  I'm learning to feel again.  I'm learning to live.  I'm finding my true self.   I'm trying to find peace within myself.  I'm trying to just BE.  Not making rash decisions.  Not making plans.  Just letting go...and letting God take over.

We read step 2 at the meeting last night and this stuck out at me like a tonne of bricks.

We had been asking something for nothing.  The fact was we really hadn't cleaned house so that the grace of God could enter us and expel the obsession.  In no deep or meaningful sense had we ever taken stock of ourselves, made amends to those we had harmed, or freely given to any other human being without any demand for reward.  We had not even prayed rightly.  We had always said, "Grant me my wishes" instead of "Thy will be done."  Therefore we remained self-deceived, and so incapable of receiving enough grace to restore us to sanity.

 This is me.  For real.  I have to make changes.  Letting go of the drink just isn't enough anymore.

SoberMommy

...on Staying Focused

I'm finding my way back to where I was a few weeks ago.  Healthy.  Happy.  High on Life.  I want it back and I'm going to fight till I get it.

I'm grateful today for being sober.  Still sober.  Thank you God!  There is no doubt in my mind that my Higher Power worked for me during the last few weeks.  Its been tough.

I'm not sure what is setting me off really.  My life is good.  I'm healthy.  I have a great home.  I have healthy kids.  I have a great career.

I think I just forgot to be mindful.  I forgot to focus on the breath and the calmness I have within.  I have to bring my awareness back to myself...to my inner self again.  I was self-sabotaging for the past few weeks.  I've been covering up my fears with food, wanting a drink, chaos, TV, isolating.  I got caught up in wanting more than what I have.  More more more.....always wanting more.

I forgot to trust that there is a plan set out for me and I just have to stop trying to make everything fit the way I want it to fit.

I forgot to put my recovery first.  I did nothing for three weeks.  No daily reading. No meetings.  No blogging.  No meditating.  No reaching out.  I did nothing for my recovery.   I thought I had it beat.  I thought I was okay with just living.

Sober living doesn't work that way, does it?  I've learned my lesson and I am forever so grateful for still being sober.  I have to put these 3 things on my daily To-Do list:


1.  I have to stay mindful.  I have to stay in the present moment.  I need to stop thinking of the past.  I need to stop worrying about the future.  They don't exist anymore.   All I have is the present moment.

2.  I have to give my will to God.  I have to put my faith in my Higher Power's hands.  I believe that everything that is put in my path is put there for a reason.   I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

3.  I have to put my recovery first.   Every single day! I have to read my Daily Reflections.  I have to go to meetings.  I have to connect with others, that are just like me.  I have to blog.  I have to remember where I'm coming from.  I don't want to go back to those dark days of drinking, drinking, drinking.....

....on Riding the Wave

My life is like a wave.  Sometimes the wave is higher than others.  Sometimes the wave comes crashing down on me.

I met someone at the AA convention during the weekend.   We got chatting about this wave concept.

I told him that I was at a very low low.  I almost felt like I was going through a major depression.  I wanted to drink.  I envisioned me drinking.   I had visions of me drinking and being happy....relaxing and numbing.  I told him that I didn't know how to get my serenity back.  I lost it for some reason and it seemed so far out of reach.

He told me that life is like a wave.....  sometimes the wave is smooth and we can ride it peacefully and calmly.  Sometimes that wave is high and we are high on life and feel like we can conquer the world.  Sometimes that wave comes crashing down on us and life happens.   He reminded me that this is life.  How do I forget this?  How do I get so wrapped up in stuff that I forget that life is just chaotic sometimes?  I forget to accept.  I forget to take time for me.  I forget to set boundaries.  I forget to breath.  He told me that eventually that wave will be smooth again....we just have to wait until it comes....  That smooth, calm wave always comes back.....

The truth is... I sometimes feel like I can't handle that big wave that crashes down on me.  I don't know how to calm the chaos in everyday life sometimes.  I get so caught up in the wave that it feels like I'm drowning in it and can't get out.

I have to remind myself that the wave will pass.   It use to drive me nuts to hear "This too shall pass" but it is such a big truth in my life today.  I know that the chaos of life passes us....and the more I come to realize this, the quicker I will have the ability to stay in control of it when it comes.

I have to take a step back when the big wave comes again.  It will come.  Chaos happens.  Kids fight.  Life is busy.  Alcohol is cunning.  Life happens.  Sometimes we just have to step out of that wave for a few minutes to allow ourselves to breathe through it.

I'm riding a new wave.  It's a nice one.

Jen
Day 294

Where is my Pink Cloud...Part 2

As I sat in on an open speaker meeting at the conference during the weekend, one gentleman mentioned this and it hit home for me....

"The pink cloud disappears when life happens"

Life happens whether we like it or not, whether we are ready or not, whether we want it or not.  When we learn that we can't control most of the shit that happens to us on a daily basis, we can learn acceptance.  It's so easy to forget this.  It's so easy to throw in the towel and say "Fuck it...I'm done".

But what are we saying "I'm done" for?  Am I really done living?  Am I done fighting for peace and happiness?  Am I done being sober and free? Am I really done accepting?  Why is it so easy to just throw in the towel and say "I'm done, I'm gonna drink my face off"?

It's easy.

It's just easy.

It's easy to pick up a drink and say I'm done.  It's easy to "tune out" of life for a while.   It's easy to numb the pain and the feelings and the chaos....  Lets' just drink for a few hours and forget about life.  Easy...Isn't it.

But, life is still going to happen the next day..... and the next....  and the next.....

I almost threw in the towel.  I wanted to just forget about life for one day....or two....or a week.....  Now, you and I both know that I would have forgotten about life a lot longer than that!

I've been searching for my pink cloud for a couple of weeks.  It's not around me anymore.  Life is.  I'm living it and facing it as hard as it is.  I will get on that cloud again.  I know it's there.... a few miles away, but it's coming back.

I'm learning to feel again.  I'm learning to deal with my emotions, my anger, my fears, my resentments.  I'm learning to live the life that I have.  I'm grateful for my life, but sometimes it's just so damn hard to face it.   I'm doing it sober.

Today, I'm going to accept my life and all that comes my way.  ...because it is happening to me for a reason.  I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Where is my Pink Cloud? ...Part 1

I've been struggling.  And when I mean struggling, I mean I am suffering and trying to find my way back from this tunnel I find myself in on a daily basis.

I fell off the pink cloud about two weeks ago and I can't seem to be able to find it again.   I feel like I've lost all the peace and serenity and calmness and freedom I fought for.

Last weekend, I came this close to drinking a nice cold Ceasar! (Can you picture my index finger touching my thumb?  That's how close!).

I want to drink.  I want to escape, even for just a few hours.  I can't seem to find any other way to do it. ... to escape.

Why am I toying with this drinking thing.  Part of me just doesn't think that I can do this for the rest of my life.  Part of me wonders how the hell I'm gonna survive when everyone is drinking around me and having a friggen blast!  I want to escape...even if it's just for a few hours.

I haven't put my recovery on the front lines lately.  I see this as being a huge problem.  I know it.  I'm skipping meetings.  I'm not blogging.  I'm not praying.  I'm not meditating.  I'm not reading.  I haven't really worked the steps.  I know, deep in my heart, that I need to do these things to get my serenity back, but chaotic life is taking over, and I can't seem to be able to slow it down.

I finally went to a meeting on Wednesday, after being away for nearly two weeks.  It felt so good.  You know.... they keep saying, if you want what we have, you have to work the steps and program.  I know it ....  and I want what they have.

I planned on getting drunk this weekend.  It's Thanksgiving here in Canada.  I was giving myself two options really.  Option 1:  Stay home and drink by myself and nobody would ever know.  My kids would be at their father's house, so I could stay home, hide and drink my face off....catch up on yard work for the winter.  Option 2:  I could go visit my parents and get smashed with them....cause that's what we do there.  Great options for me, eh!!  This was my plan this week.  I would have so much fun! I'd finally have some release of stress and chaoticness!

A friend from the program called me at the exact same time that I was making these plans in my head.  She told me about a Thanksgiving AA convention....tried to get me to go.  At first, I said naw.... I was just gonna hang around the house.  Had so much to do.  I told her I'd think about it.

You see.... part of me really didn't want to go.  I didn't want to stay sober anymore.  I didn't want to suffer with this obsession of wanting a drink.  I just wanted to drink.   I was afraid though.  Something stopped me from picking up last weekend, and something is stopping me now too.  I wanted to drink but I really didn't want to ruin all the hard work I had already did to get sober.  I also didn't want to NOT make it to a year of sobriety.  My sobriety counter is so important to me and I just  don't want to begin at Day 1 again!  I really don't!   And, what are the chances, that this girl called me from out of the blue to tell me about this convention?  Was this an act of God, my Higher Power?  Was He looking out for me and putting these big kick ass signs right in front of my face?  

The next day, my friend texted me that she bought my dinner and dance ticket and she wasn't giving me a choice.   I booked my room and decided to go to the convention.

I miss my sober blogging buddies.  I need you in my life.  I need to blog.  It's like a journal to me....helps me release.   I hope to hear from you again.  I plan on blogging a lot in the next three months....to get me to a year of sobriety.  I'm going to work my ass off to get there!

...on Thinking "Am I Missing Out?"

It's been a very busy week.

As some of you know, I've been torn about the idea of getting back together with my ex-husband.  We've been apart for over 5 years now, and he has continuously been working at trying to win me over.  I've come to the realization that I haven't really been free from him over the last few years.  He's always there....  getting involved in my life.... no matter what I do...  I haven't had much time to get to know me and figure out what I want or need in my life.

We've been spending time together for the past few weeks, with the kids...  as a family.  It's been nice....  but that's it.... just nice.    I love being with my kids every single day.  I love watching them grow, laugh and live their lives.  But,  when I'm with their father, I feel like there's something missing in our relationship.  It's always been missing and it's time that I face that.  I sometimes wonder if I'm just too damn picky and just not happy with anything.  He's a great guy and great father, but we don't spark.  We don't communicate.  At all.

The meditation of the day in "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie speaks about letting go of resistance.  It says ...don't be in such a hurry to move on...  Relax.  Breathe.  Be in harmony today.  Let today happen and don't worry about tomorrow's feelings, problems and gifts.  So I'm doing that.  I'm not making any major decisions today.  I'm just letting things be and I'm believing that everything I need will be given to me today..... from God ... from the Universe.

I've had some thoughts about drinking during this past weekend.  It hit me hard when we were camping in a tent and most people around the other camps were "socializing" with their drinks in hand.   Alcohol sure was cunning, baffling and powerful to me.  There was a constant battle in my head with alcohol.   The booze was trying to convince me to drink it.  It almost felt like it was sitting on my right shoulder, talking to me.  Here are some things it said....

 -You're not a "real" alcoholic Jen
-You could start drinking in moderation now
-Nobody will know if you pick up a six pack
-Everyone else is drinking around the campfire, doesn't it look fun?
-You're missing out on socializing with everyone
-What's the harm in having a few drinks once in a while
-They are drinking and they aren't thinking they're alcoholics....why are you thinking that?

DANG IT!  The thoughts in my head didn't stop for a couple of days.... and it was hard.

I did a nice 10 KM run on Sunday, which helped tremendously!  I came in 3rd place in my age category and that was exciting!   Running sure does relieve a lot of stress in my body and mind.  I love it so much and I'm so very grateful that I'm able to do it.  If I didn't run as much as I do, and feel as healthy and blessed as I do, I'd be drinking....  I'd be stuck in the vicious cycle again.  I just know it.

My big question today is .....Am I really missing out?

I guess I will always face those thoughts about alcohol.  It must be normal to feel like I'm missing out on something fun at times.  I know that I don't want to drink like I use to... and feel as shitty as I once did.  I know that if I start drinking again, I will become the same "obsessed with alcohol" person that I once was.  I know I don't want hangovers or sleepless nights anymore.  I know that I want to stay healthy and focussed on the present moment.



So, I'll keep working it....  One day at a time.

...On Emotions

It is so very normal to feel emotional in early sobriety.   We are so use to numbing our emotions and feelings. We've avoided feeling them since we started drinking.....  So, if you started drinking at 13, you'll feel like a 13 year old, trying to deal with emotions.  We must learn to feel them and accept them.  We must learn to breathe, then let them go.....  We can't allow our feelings to sit in the pit of our bodies anymore.  Ask you HP for help. He will work in mysterious ways if you want Him to. Have faith and believe.   Acceptance is key!  Healing takes time.....One day at a time....

...on Making Decisions

I'm learning.  Slowly.  I'm sober.  I'm conscious.

I'm struggling with a huge decision in my life.  My ex-husband wants desperately to get back together.  We've been separated/divorced for over 5 years now and he still wants nothing more than getting this family into one unit.  I'm torn about my decision.

I love my children more than anything in the world.  Whenever they go to their fathers, this terrible sense of guilt and shame sweeps over me.  I still have such a huge sense of separation anxiety when my children are not with me.... after all these years.  They still struggle with going back and forth and their hurt and pain haunts me.  I heard many people say...."they'll be okay, you need a break, they'll bounce back, it's part of life", but the fact is....my kids hurt.  What mother wants to see their children hurt?

My ex and I have tried several times to rekindle our relationship.  I have huge doubts about getting back together because I'm afraid that I'll lose my sense of calmness and spirituality.  Heck, I already feel like I'm falling apart....and we are just talking.  I know he's made changes and I know he's trying really hard to be kinder and calmer but I still see the old Steve that I didn't like in the past....and that scares me.

I've tried to surrender and pray and ask God to guide me in my decision.  I've tried to let go and live in hopes to find answers but nothing is clear.  Nothing.

I sometimes wonder if I even know how to have a relationship anymore.  Now that I'm sober, I'm sure things would be different.  Do I expect too much?  How do I know if he's the man I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with?  Maybe, I'm supposed to help him find this sense of peace and serenity?

God put us together for a reason.  We've created two wonderful, beautiful masterpieces together.   I'm so grateful for that!

...on Struggling

Day 169 and yesterday was probably one of the worst alcohol-fighting-off days I've ever had.  The only thing that kept me sober was that number!

I almost drank yesterday.  I came so close to getting into my car to drive to the little liquor store around the corner from my house.  I spent the day alone.  I did some yard work and found myself in a huge bowl of self-pity and I know that.  I didn't want to reach out to anybody!  I didn't care about my blog, AA, my kids, my successes.  I just wanted a drink!   I'm not sure if it was the nice, hot weather or the fact that I'm having a really, really tough time liking who I am....  the "real" me without alcohol is very insecure and has zero self-esteem or self-worth.

I don't feel good about me.... I'm not sure how to feel good about me.   I know I'm supposed to accept and love myself unconditionally, but holy moly that's tough!  I wanted to drink, just a small bottle of wine, so that I can feel good about myself just for one day!  I was aware of all of this, and very conscious of my feelings, which is probably what saved me.  I also went to an AA meeting last night, which helped a little.

I was honest and will be honest with you.  Part of me wonders if I am really an alcoholic.   Part of me wonders how much longer I will be sober.  I wasn't a "bad" drunk.  I was a "happy" drunk!  I was living in denial yesterday....and my head was surely trying to take charge of my life again.  Alcohol was very powerful, cunning and baffling yesterday.  Today, I want to be powerful, cunning, and baffling!  I hope and pray to God that I can find my serenity again.....

I really need to love and accept myself ...my sober self....and I'm not sure how to do that.

...on Unconditional Love

I made a promise to my children the other day.... the day that I lost my shit on them.   I promised them that I would try harder...not lose my shit and swear around them when I'm angry again.    I've always told myself as a child that I never wanted to sound like my parents and I know that I certainly do at times.

I can only remember too well, the feelings I felt when my parents were in their fits of rage.  Shouting.  Cursing.  Slamming cupboard doors.   The rye and water.  The anger.  The fear.  The feelings of emptiness and sadness overcame my inner child.  I hid in my closet.  Spent nights in my closet.  Lost.

I've come a long way since I started parenting in 1991.

I don't lose it on my kids as much as I did 5 years ago.  I've always promised myself to never put my children through what I went through.  But, I slip sometimes.  I'm human.

So, my promise to them will require a lot of work.  A daily basis amount of work.  I almost feel like I need a parenting course.   Being a good parent is going to require me to be fully conscious at all times.  I have to hold on to that.  I have to be aware of all my emotions and feelings on a daily basis, so that I could react to my children's behaviours in more appropriate ways.  I was tested last night, again.

Patrick....  I can't sleep mom

Me .... (OMG! It's 11 o'clock and I'm half asleep.  Not this again.  I'm friggen tired.  Fuck!)....all this was said in my head.....

I get up.  I'm calm.  I ask what's wrong.  He starts tearing up.  He doesn't like to disturb me.  I know this.  He knows I like my sleep so he's worried I'm going to lose it.  I know this.   I rub his back.  I'm conscious.  I'm calm.  He's upset.  He's hot.  He wants to sleep but he can't.  He feels sick.  He's worried that I'm upset.

Kelly.....  Mom!  I want to watch TV!  I can't sleep too.  Please mom!  I can't sleep without my TV!

Me.... (OMG!  What's wrong with these kids.  Can't they just go to bed when it's time to go to bed.  Fuck!)..... said in my head.....

Me.....  What would you like me to do guys.  There's no TV allowed now and it's bed time.  I have to work and you have school.  We need sleep.  You have to focus on your breath and allow your body to rest.

Needless to say.... my answer wasn't good enough.  Test?   Yes, test.  Test to mommyhood for sure!  Both kids crying.  I'm tired.  I just want sleep.   I think.  

Me....  K guys.  Come lay with mommy for a while.  I snuggle with them.  I'm calm.  I tell them ways to relax their body, even when they can't sleep.  I tell them I love them.  They fall asleep.  In my arms.   Content.  I don't sleep much but I'm okay with that.  I've accepted it.  My kids are young today.  They won't snuggle with me much longer.  They will be on their own one day, living their lives with their new families.  I have to enjoy the moments.

I love my kids unconditionally.  I know this, but I want them to know this.  I need them to know that even when they are acting like monsters, I still love them....unconditionally.  The best way for me to show this is by remaining calm during crises and "showing" them that I love them even when all hell breaks loose.  They will fight.  They will argue.  They will disobey.  They are human.

When I was a child, I didn't feel the unconditional love that a parent is supposed to give their child.   There were always conditions on my life for me to feel loved.  I had to get good marks in school.  I had to keep my room clean.  I had to clean the house.  I had to care for my sisters.  I had to play Barbies quietly.  I had to stay out of my parents way.  I had to be perfect!

I'm not setting conditions on my children like that.  I want them to grow into the spiritual beings they were meant to be.  I want them to know that they are loved always.  I want them to grow with confidence and know that even when they make mistakes, they can conquer the world.  I want to be a better mommy.

I'm a sober mommy.  I'm learning how to live life on life's terms.  I'm supposed to teach my kids to do the same.....to live life on life's terms.  That's my job.  My sobriety has brought me many gifts.  My sobriety has given me freedom to choose....freedom to choose to live in love or in fear.... freedom to feel the feelings and emotions, let them pass through my body and let them go.....freedom to be conscious.....  and fully present in my life.... freedom to love my children unconditionally.  

Perfect quote for my post today....  I needed the reminder.....  

I just found the greatest article on controlling my anger and loving my children unconditionally, even when I'm feeling very upset.  I must create a bigger space between the stimulus (my child's behaviour) and my response so that I can react to their behaviour in love. I can do that by taking my own, personal time-out.

Unconditional_love_When_Angry_at_child

Seems so simple, but so friggen tough.