Sober Dating.
What the heck is that?
A friend of mine from work set me up on a date with one of her really good friends. In other words, my drinking buddy set me up with one of her drinking buddies. Does that even make sense?
We had a breakfast meet up last weekend. It was nice. I was safe. No need for alcohol at breakfast. I made him aware of the fact that I don't drink after he talked about how much he loved red wine and loved wine tasting tours, and loved sipping on wine while in the kitchen cooking, or loved having a glass of wine with his meals. I made him aware. I just said, "You should know that I don't drink." He never asked why. He just said that he respected that. I'll call him C.
I like C. He's a gentleman. He makes me laugh. He's friendly, kind and sincere. We text and chat often and I love getting to know him.
He likes wine.
I can't like wine.
...and in the bottom of my pit.....I want to like wine again.
We went out for dinner last night. Water was brought to the table in a jar (thank God). I told him he could have a glass of wine, out of courtesy, if he wanted and he said he would with dinner. Then came the big question. Why don't you drink?
I DON'T WANT TO ANSWER THAT RIGHT NOW is what I wanted to say.
I don't like that question. I'm not about to tell a new "friend" who is my old friend's friend that I think I'm an alcoholic or that I have drinking problem and I can't drink the shit!
I guess he can tell that the question made me uncomfortable because I hesitated when I started to speak. He brushed me off and said...oh no worries. I was just curious as to why.... maybe you're focussing on your health? .....maybe you just choose to not drink?.... I said yes...yes.. That's it!
I told him that I wanted to take a year from drinking because I wanted to focus on my health. I told him as I age, I find that my body can't handle booze like it use to and I got really bad hangovers when I drank. I told him that my parents were drinkers and I didn't want to be like them.
All true stuff. But then he thought....Oh your year is almost up....then we can have wine together.
This is where I'm stuck my sober blogging buddies....and I need lots of help
Part of me wants to convince myself that I'm okay to start drinking wine with this guy. We both have dreams to travel. I want to have a glass of wine with him when we travel. I want to have a glass of wine while he cooks for me. I want it all!
Is he dangerous to me? I know he is. I know this is a dangerous situation for me. I like him. I like wine. I don't want to be alone again. I've been alone for 5 years!!
I'm shaking in my boots. I'm going to see him tonight.
OH....He never had that glass of wine with dinner btw....
ReplyDeleteHey Sober Mommy, I'm new to all this blogging shenanigans, but not new to trying out being sober. I've decided that this time round I'm going to tell people "Hangovers give me terrible anxiety. It's not worth it for me so I've stopped/am having a break". Then bugger them. If they want me to drink after I've basically admitted depression then they're not worth it. In previous sober attempts my friends have been incredibly negative and the hurt I've felt after they've not 'understood' is too much.
ReplyDeleteOn another tack (and far be it from me to offer advice here) he does sound dangerous, but I also know the loneliness that being long term single brings. It's shit. So when you find someone you actually connect with, it feels like a miracle.
GOOD LUCK
Thank you SO
DeleteYour last line made me realize that I didn't feel the miracle when I was with him.
xo
I'm waiting for the miracle to happen!
Yes, I agree with SO. And yes, as you might have read, I too feel the loneliness. It's tough, but I'm guessing I have spent too much time in Lalaland and this is the price I pay. But/and if you don't feel the safety to be partially honest or stand firmly - don't go there. Meeting the love of your life is not about shaking and trembling and hoping whatever you do, say and look like will 'please' him. It is about confidence, acceptance and love. You might want to see if you can get to that place within yourself where you are confident, accepting and loving of yourself and from there on see how things are?
ReplyDeleteNote: there are people who drink, and people who make you drink. From what you write I would take some extra effort to check out in what category he belongs. The relation dream of a lot of people starts with going for drinks on a Friday night and THEY DON'T WANT THAT IDEAL TO BE SPOILED.
I once messed with a guy who could not deal with me not drinking and I lost. There is so much strength in ideal pictures. He kept on moaning and pressing and making me feel like I sort of did not do the adult thing and made our free time less romantic. :-/ So in the end I drank. No, it is not his responsibility but the (sub)conscious play that went on is NOT PRETTY. Now I am sober for longer I start to get some insight in how it works. It's nasty. So, again, there are people who drink and people who make people drink. It might be a good idea to check out what effect your date has on you.
And of course I hope you have a lovely, happy, open, accepting, confident and responsible (do I sound like a mom now: ;-) ) evening. :-)
xx, Feeling
This was a huge huge eye opener for me. I love you for this support. I can't even tell you how it has changed me. I'll write about it today.
DeleteThank you so much for this message. So very powerful!
xo
:-) I am looking forward to reading how it went :-).
DeleteHow did it go? :-) Did you enjoy yourself?
ReplyDeletexx, Feeling
So... My two cents. First, why not to tell him that you stopped drinking for good because you don't handle drinking well. You have issues with drinking, and you'd rather not drink. Two, remember, you will always like wine. However, wine doesn't like you back. Three, if you really really like him, you will have to accept him as he is, drinking wine and all. He also will have to accept you as you are... Not drinking. Actually, it is a great way to see what matters to this guy - drinking his wine or you. Four, booze never added anything good to any relationship. It should not be a driving force. Five, when we are lonely, we might jump into a relationship that is not good for us. There was time when I was lonely an would go out with anyone who asked me. Big mistake. Met a lot of shitty guys. A word of caution: sometimes it is better to be alone.
ReplyDeleteI hope he is a great guy. I hope it is going to be a great relationship and adventure. Keep us updated!
Thank you for this message T and B. So true....
DeleteI'm waiting for a miracle to happen. For now...it is better to be alone.
xo