...on Sober Dating

Sorry about the late post.  I've been running around trying to find a car because my van is on it's last breath.

Here's my Mr. C update.  I haven't seen him again since my last post. I cancelled our dinner date out of fear, anxiety and pure I can't fucking do this!

I received an incredible message from "Feeling" on my last post.  It grounded me again.  She writes:  

Meeting the love of your life is not about shaking and trembling and hoping whatever you do, say and look like will 'please' him. It is about confidence, acceptance and love. You might want to see if you can get to that place within yourself where you are confident, accepting and loving of yourself and from there on see how things are? 

After reading this message, I came to the realization that I am not confident, accepting and loving toward myself yet!!  Like WTF!   I thought I had all these feelings of insecurities under control but I don't!   

Confidence?  Where did it go?  Why don't I feel confident?  On the outside, people see me as a confident, strong, amazing women, but on the inside, I cringe with fear on a daily basis.  

Acceptance?  I know I can't drink anymore.  I've made a conscious decision to NOT pick up anymore.  I love sobriety.  I accept that I'm an alcoholic.  I accept that booze makes me sick and I want nothing to do with it.  If I accepted it so much, I should be able to tell anybody my story, shouldn't I?  

Loving?  I feel like I'm loving toward myself.  I'm trying to live a more balanced life.  I'm focusing on my Being and living more mindfully.  I love the person I am, on most days.  

Why do I constantly feel like I'm hiding under a great big rock afraid to be seen? or heard? I'm afraid to tell my story.   I'm afraid of what THEY will think. 

The truth is, with Mr C., having a relationship would have been difficult for me.  My biggest fear is telling him my story.  I was afraid that he'd have told my past "drinking buddy" my story (the girl who set us up), and she would have definitely told my story to the rest of my co-workers and friends.  She's a gossiper.  I'm just not ready for that shit!  That is the biggest reason why I'm not seeing him anymore.  Other reasons, just so you know:  He just came out of an 8 year relationship (1 month ago), he constantly talks about her, he's still grieving, he love red wine.  I can't love red wine.

So, after my huge reality check, I decided to break it off with Mr C.  I have to refocus on Me.  I know he's dangerous to me.  I need to avoid danger.  

"Feeling" writes:

The relation dream of a lot of people starts with going for drinks on a Friday night and THEY DON'T WANT THAT IDEAL TO BE SPOILED.

Isn't this so true.  It's the way it's supposed to be, isn't it?  Meet a date, have a drink, make out, fall in love..... drink ....drink.....drink....  The relationship dream.  The norm.  

I almost started drinking a couple of times because I keep thinking, <<How the hell am I going to relax and just be me on a date?>>   My head tells me <<I NEED A GLASS OF WINE FOR THAT!!>>

I haven't been on a date since I quit drinking due to the fact that I can't drink on the first date.  Mr C. was my first.  I was uncomfortable.  

This means I'm not ready, confident, accepting and loving toward myself yet. 

I need to get there before I plan another date.

As for Mr C. I hope he does well on his journey and finds someone that loves red wine like he does.  

It just can't be me.

Sober Mommy