...on The Inner World

"When I quit drinking, 

the world on the outside got better,

but the world on the inside got worse."

I heard this sentence at the gratitude dinner I attended in my town last weekend.  A gratitude dinner is an annual event that includes a wonderful dinner, guest speaker and a dance.

I had a wonderful evening.  It amazed me to watch over 300 people dancing their feet off on the dance floor, socializing, laughing, and sober....something we don't get to see very often.

The guest speaker said many things that I could relate to....but the sentence above really stood out.  I even wrote it down on a napkin at my table.

It is so true how my life has changed on the inside.  It feels like I'm in constant turmoil with my thoughts and emotions now.  My self-esteem has dropped.  I lack confidence.  I lack energy.  I lack some sort of sense of contentment.  I feel like I'm living in fear of the world around me.  Fear of what people think.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of the future.  Fear of damn decisions I have to make.  I'm not sure how this happens when I was so confident, independent and happy .....when I had a drink in hand.....

It's not easy to get sober.  Not because I'm giving up the booze.  It's more because I'm learning to live life without it.  It's the life part that's tough.  Alcohol just covered up all the shit that was buried deep within.

I know that now.

And now, it's coming out.  The shit.  And, I'm still trying to figure it out.....without succumbing to my need or want for a drink.

I'm doing it though.   Living without alcohol.  I never thought in a millions years I'd get this far.

I don't know what tomorrow brings.  I can't change the past.  I'm trying so hard to live for today....in the present moment....

And, with this present moment, I'm sober.

Breathing.