When I was drinking I really didn't have these issues. Well...maybe I was just in denial. I'm not really sure what shifted for me. What changed so drastically in my life that I now feel like I'm walking around on eggshells all the time? I am living in constant fear of what other people think of me. I worry about what they will think of the decisions I make in my life, with what I look like, with my behaviours. I am constantly worried about what I say or do, and sugarcoat everything in hopes to not "upset" someone or create an uncomfortable feeling in them, or in me.
It's wrong. I can't be honest. I can't be me. Something huge is preventing me from being the me that I am supposed to be. Who am I anyway?
I've been really working hard at it, but I'm struggling really badly. I've built this huge wall of bricks around me. My struggles are causing me to isolate and stay alone. I am quiet. I push people away because it's just easier for me to not have to worry about how they feel about me. And, this internal struggle makes me think that if I go back to drinking, I can just be happy again. ....and stop all this worry. I can talk the talk and walk the walk and I can go back to being confident, independent and strong.
I am weak.
I am vulnerable.
I am aware of this.
I'm reading a book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Browne. I signed up for the e-course months ago, but I haven't had the chance to complete the lessons. The book is great. I need to focus on the readings and read more. I need a time-out.
The sub-title of the book is "Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are"
I've got a lot of work to do. I want to embrace who I am, but I honestly don't know who I am yet.
How do I find my identity again? How do I find my confidence? How do I stop giving a shit about everyone else in this world so that I can be me?
I'm hoping to get answers soon.... real soon.
On another note, I managed to get my tree up this morning, with coffee in hand. Kids are happy. Mommy is happy.
Hi SM!
ReplyDeleteYAY TREE!!
Coffee and tree decorating is perfect!
Brene Brown's book is really good.
Somehow you have alcohol mixed up with your identity.
You are not drinking.
It does not make you really what you seek.
It is a fake confidence.
You ARE strong.
You stopped drinking, are raising children, have a job…that is what a strong person does!
xo
Wendy
The tree is beautiful and you are beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThe way you feel right now is so normal I can't stand it. I went throught the EXACT SAME THING at about the exact same time in my sobriety. I remember crying and saying that I didn't even know who I was! WTF was that? What was I going to do?
But I got through it and so will you. Drinking was not an option because I KNEW where that road ended and I didn't want to go back there. You KNOW where yours will end...how many blogs have you started again? Yeah...you know.
This is your chance to reinvent yourself. You can be anyone you want to be! Just be happy.
You know where I am if you need to email me.
Sherry
Brene brown is my hero. That is my favourite book. The course is amazing.
ReplyDeleteYou are way more than you think. Let your light shine!
Anne
I am working really hard on letting go who my mother thinks I am supposed to be. Because it is not me. It is my mother. I am still work in progress though. In so many respects.
ReplyDeleteNever doubt yourself. You accomplished so much. You quit drinking. Not everyone can do it. Look at me. I am a mess. You are not! You should be so proud of yourslef. Love yourself a little more. The rest will follow.