...on Struggles

I want to drink.  I don't want to drink.  I want to drink.  I don't want to drink.  I want to drink.  I don't want to drink.

That's how my mind has been working lately.  It thinks it's missing out on some fun.  It really believes that it's been missing out on some fun.

My staff party was last night.  I didn't go.  I wanted to go, but there's a big part of me that's still afraid to show my sober side.   My co-workers hounded me all week to go, because they love the fact that I was the life of the party at every event!

I wasn't a bad drunk.  I wasn't mean.  I was so much fun!  I had confidence.  I was alive.  I didn't give a shit about what other people thought of me.  I miss that!  A lot!

I'm stuck in these "feelings" now.  I'm sober so I have no way of hiding.  I'm trying to find my confidence, again.  It's gone.  I'm trying to be fun and I'm trying to be alive ....and it's so damn hard!  I want to crawl and hide in a big hole.

The only reason I quit drinking in the first place was because I didn't like hangovers or losing sleep.  I also quit for my kids.  They annoyed me every time I drank.  But damn it, I am missing my fun-loving, easy-going, party girl, that was full of life and joy.

My sister went out dancing last night.  I didn't go.  I wanted to go.

I didn't even put my Christmas Tree up yet!  I never did that without drinking!

Argh!