...on Holiday Thoughts

Things have been quite busy for me.  I'm sure most people are feeling it.  Getting ready for Christmas and all....

I'm preparing for Christmas in more ways, than most people are.   I have to get my mind, body and spirit ready for all of the festivities that will surround me, especially the ones including alcohol.  I plan on going to mom's cottage out in the middle of nowhere.  I plan on seeing some friends, that will possibly drink in front of me.  I plan on staying sober.

I've been going to a lot of meetings lately.  More than I normally attend.  I've been surrounding myself with people from the program so that they can help me remember why I got sober in the first place. I need as many tips and tricks to survive this holiday season because there's still a small part of my brain that wants to drink.

A woman at the meeting said what I've been feeling.

"I just want to be a normal drinker.  I wish I could go back to the past and be a social drinker and fit in like everybody else."

This line has been stuck in my head for a couple of months.  There's a big part of me that thinks I can do this.  Be normal!  Drink socially.  Have one or two and stop.  Now, that I've had a taste of sobriety for a good length of time, I'm trying to convince myself that I can be a social, "normal" drinker.

I have developed a greater sense of awareness though.  I am very aware that alcohol is baffling, cunning and ever so powerful.  I am very aware of the demon inside of me that wants to wake up and destroy my life, my family and my health.  Awareness and mindfulness are two the most important things I've developed during my sober journey over the past year.  I'm so grateful to have found these gifts.

So, I keep going to meetings.  I need to remember why I quit drinking in the first place.  I need to remember the times that my body gave out on me because I drank too much.  The times I passed out on bathroom floors.  The times I puked in front of my children.  The times I couldn't get out of bed due to being so hungover.  I need to remember the hangovers, the sickness, the bags under my eyes, the lack of sleep, the unhealthy, unspiritual state of mind I was in, the stress in the house.

I need to be ready to face the demon that's going to want to come back into my life.  I've worked so hard at keeping it out.  I don't want it back!

I'm preparing myself for the holidays.  It's really just another day.  I look forward to my first hangover-free Christmas morning with my wonderful children.  I look forward to being present and being the love that I am.