Where is my Pink Cloud? ...Part 1

I've been struggling.  And when I mean struggling, I mean I am suffering and trying to find my way back from this tunnel I find myself in on a daily basis.

I fell off the pink cloud about two weeks ago and I can't seem to be able to find it again.   I feel like I've lost all the peace and serenity and calmness and freedom I fought for.

Last weekend, I came this close to drinking a nice cold Ceasar! (Can you picture my index finger touching my thumb?  That's how close!).

I want to drink.  I want to escape, even for just a few hours.  I can't seem to find any other way to do it. ... to escape.

Why am I toying with this drinking thing.  Part of me just doesn't think that I can do this for the rest of my life.  Part of me wonders how the hell I'm gonna survive when everyone is drinking around me and having a friggen blast!  I want to escape...even if it's just for a few hours.

I haven't put my recovery on the front lines lately.  I see this as being a huge problem.  I know it.  I'm skipping meetings.  I'm not blogging.  I'm not praying.  I'm not meditating.  I'm not reading.  I haven't really worked the steps.  I know, deep in my heart, that I need to do these things to get my serenity back, but chaotic life is taking over, and I can't seem to be able to slow it down.

I finally went to a meeting on Wednesday, after being away for nearly two weeks.  It felt so good.  You know.... they keep saying, if you want what we have, you have to work the steps and program.  I know it ....  and I want what they have.

I planned on getting drunk this weekend.  It's Thanksgiving here in Canada.  I was giving myself two options really.  Option 1:  Stay home and drink by myself and nobody would ever know.  My kids would be at their father's house, so I could stay home, hide and drink my face off....catch up on yard work for the winter.  Option 2:  I could go visit my parents and get smashed with them....cause that's what we do there.  Great options for me, eh!!  This was my plan this week.  I would have so much fun! I'd finally have some release of stress and chaoticness!

A friend from the program called me at the exact same time that I was making these plans in my head.  She told me about a Thanksgiving AA convention....tried to get me to go.  At first, I said naw.... I was just gonna hang around the house.  Had so much to do.  I told her I'd think about it.

You see.... part of me really didn't want to go.  I didn't want to stay sober anymore.  I didn't want to suffer with this obsession of wanting a drink.  I just wanted to drink.   I was afraid though.  Something stopped me from picking up last weekend, and something is stopping me now too.  I wanted to drink but I really didn't want to ruin all the hard work I had already did to get sober.  I also didn't want to NOT make it to a year of sobriety.  My sobriety counter is so important to me and I just  don't want to begin at Day 1 again!  I really don't!   And, what are the chances, that this girl called me from out of the blue to tell me about this convention?  Was this an act of God, my Higher Power?  Was He looking out for me and putting these big kick ass signs right in front of my face?  

The next day, my friend texted me that she bought my dinner and dance ticket and she wasn't giving me a choice.   I booked my room and decided to go to the convention.

I miss my sober blogging buddies.  I need you in my life.  I need to blog.  It's like a journal to me....helps me release.   I hope to hear from you again.  I plan on blogging a lot in the next three months....to get me to a year of sobriety.  I'm going to work my ass off to get there!