...on Being.

I got to chair the meeting last night.  I was kinda voluntold to do it, but I really didn't mind.  Again, everything happens for a reason and I was probably put there to hear the little whispers that were meant for me to hear.

I think I'm starting to see a different side of me.   In the past, I would have resorted to drinking so many times over the last 10 months of my sobriety.  Lord knows, I've tried to quit so many times (since 2008).  Nothing worked.  I'd last a few days.  And bammo!  I was back to my old habits.

But, today, something is different.  It's almost like I could feel the blossom growing inside of me.

Learning to live without alcohol is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  Especially, during times of crises and stress!  Drinking was my only way to cope.  Gosh, I was raised that way.  My parents coped with their rye.  I saw.  I did.  That's all I knew.   Nobody gave me the tools I needed to deal with life and the everyday stressors that comes with it.  Nobody told me how friggen hard life could get either!  It's just like "Wham Bam!  This is your life!  You deal with it"

I've come to realize this week, with my "I'm a victim of Fraud" event, that I really do rely on alcohol to numb and cope.  As I feel my heart pound with fear and anxiety, I think about alcohol.  I think about how nice it would be to just come home after a long day at work, drink my face off (without anybody knowing) and just Be.  Numb.

You see, the truth is there is a difference between my old version of Being and my new version of Being.

My old version of Being was to numb and just Be.  No stress.  Happy.  Drunk.  Not feeling.  No pain.  Drunk.  Alone.  This is my version of being that brings me to dark places.  I'm sick.  I'm hungover.  I'm basically not living, really.  I'm not really alive here.  So, why the heck does my mind keep coming back to wanting this life?

I've been very lucky and blessed because I haven't went back to my old ways!  I'm so very grateful for this!  I sometimes wonder how the heck I've made it this far.   The fight that goes on inside my mind is sometimes so very very strong!  One side is pulling me to the drink.  One side is pulling me to sobriety.  Yep!   There is a huge struggle in my mind sometimes.  But, I somehow always come out....with this new version of Being.  I just know that my HP is helping me along the way somehow.  I have so much faith that I'm right where I'm supposed to be....mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

My new version of Being is very spiritual.  I'm feeling the feelings.  I'm feeling the breath.  I'm breathing in and breathing out.  Lately, I'm feeling connected with the most inner part of my Being.... the part that is alive!  I'm mindful.  I'm seeing the beauty in the world, that I once didn't see.  I'm listening more.  I'm healthier.  I'm living.  I'm free!

When my mind wants to drink and take control over my new way of Being, this is what I think keeps me from picking up.....

1.  My HP
2.  I love hangover-free living!
3.  I sleep like a baby!
4.  I've almost been sober for a whole year!
5.  I've made great sober friends through AA, and they check in on me often!
6.  I think I'm a more patient mom!  (most of the time)
7.  I know if I pick up ONE drink, the vicious cycle will begin again!
8.  I'm not my mind.  I'm much more than that..... I'm spirit.
9.  I can't afford it.
10.  I don't want to be sick.


I often hear these new voices in my head saying:  "This too shall pass"  "One day at a time"  "Go to meetings.  Don't drink"  "Alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful"

I like these new voices.

Sober Mommy