I almost drank yesterday. I came so close to getting into my car to drive to the little liquor store around the corner from my house. I spent the day alone. I did some yard work and found myself in a huge bowl of self-pity and I know that. I didn't want to reach out to anybody! I didn't care about my blog, AA, my kids, my successes. I just wanted a drink! I'm not sure if it was the nice, hot weather or the fact that I'm having a really, really tough time liking who I am.... the "real" me without alcohol is very insecure and has zero self-esteem or self-worth.
I don't feel good about me.... I'm not sure how to feel good about me. I know I'm supposed to accept and love myself unconditionally, but holy moly that's tough! I wanted to drink, just a small bottle of wine, so that I can feel good about myself just for one day! I was aware of all of this, and very conscious of my feelings, which is probably what saved me. I also went to an AA meeting last night, which helped a little.
I was honest and will be honest with you. Part of me wonders if I am really an alcoholic. Part of me wonders how much longer I will be sober. I wasn't a "bad" drunk. I was a "happy" drunk! I was living in denial yesterday....and my head was surely trying to take charge of my life again. Alcohol was very powerful, cunning and baffling yesterday. Today, I want to be powerful, cunning, and baffling! I hope and pray to God that I can find my serenity again.....
I really need to love and accept myself ...my sober self....and I'm not sure how to do that.
Dear Sober Mommy,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are having a hard time!
There will be days that our thoughts make us feel losers, but we aren't!!!
Those thoughts are lies.
You have worth!
Just don't drink today.
Don't worry about if you are or are not the "a" word.
169 is a wonderful number.
xo
Wendy
Thanks Wendy! I'm trudging through the feelings.....one day at a time...and sober still.....xo
DeleteSober Mommy,
ReplyDeleteYou are doing great!!!! Don't quit - you are an inspiration to me! We single teacher moms dealing with this problem have to stick together.
I completely understand what you think about liking yourself - I struggle with the same thing. I am trying to think of one positive thing I can write down about myself each day, and when I hear that little voice in my head berating me, I try to stop and put it in it's place.
Where your kids with their dad yesterday? Loneliness is my biggest trigger. Yesterday I went to an AA meeting and there was a man there who got another white chip after 11 years, because he had just relapsed the day before... he said it was because of his loneliness and his "stinking thinking".
Keep fighting the good fight...you are great and are doing a SUPER job!!!!!
Thank you..... Your support means a lot to me..... I'm sticking together with ya...... been a tough weekend..... alone...... you're right...... I think that's one of my triggers....just needed to realize that! Argh!!!
DeleteBefore you take anther step (figuratively speaking of course) I want you to go back and re-read all of your posts on this blog AND on the other two. Go ahead...I'll wait.
ReplyDeleteAre you back? Do you still think you weren't "that bad"? Yeah...I didn't think so.
Look - you know how I struggle with this self acceptance/self like/talking nice to myself thing so I know exactly what you're feeling right now. Do you really think that drinking even one, very small bottle of wine is going to make you like yourself any more? Nope...not going to happen. You'll escape for a little while and then you'll be filled with so much guilt, remorse and self loathing you could fill a stadium with it. Just sayin'.
When I can't like anything about myself I try to pick just one thing and tell myself something nice. Some days it's, "I'm a good friend," or "My kids love me" but other days I'm so low I have to settle for "I can sure clean a toilet" or "At least my fingernails are clean" (both of those are real examples btw).
You are worth this effort you're putting in. Your kids are worth it. Your LIFE is worth it. Hang tough my friend. It's worth the ride.
Love and endless belief in you,
Sherry