...on Depression

Last night's topic at the AA meeting was depression.  It scares me to know that people can get so deep into a hole that all their thoughts lead them to suicide.  I heard many members tell about their thoughts about suicide and planned suicide attempts and thought... wow, they are brave to tell us about this.   It helps me to know that I can be real and true to myself in the rooms and the amount of support and serenity in there is amazing.  One woman talked about her plan to commit suicide and take her cats with her.  One young guy, maybe 21 admitted himself into the hospital the other day because he wants to go too.   This stuff scares me deeply.   I mean, I'm not a doctor or anything but I feel like I just want to tell these people so much!

I am ever so grateful that I've never found myself to have major thoughts of suicide or planned suicide attempts.  I mean I did have quick thoughts here and there about how much easier it would be if I was gone, but those thoughts passed quickly because I wouldn't allow them to take over my mind.

I have found myself to be depressed quite often though.  I was on anti-depressants for years while I was drinking.

When I stopped drinking, I stopped my anti-depressants too....all in one shot.  I figured if I'm going to withdraw from one, I'm going to withdraw from it all!   It was tough, in the beginning.  I had bad side effects from coming off of the anti-depressants.  Really aweful brainzaps and dizzy spells.....
But, I trudged through it.  I suffered for a while to get to the freedom I have today.  It was worth it!

I spoke last night.  It was tough for me but I'm practicing being authentic, as Brene Browne taught me.   It takes practice to be true to myself because I haven't been honest with myself or with others for many years now.  I've been trying to be perfect so that everyone likes me.  I've been trying to make everything around me perfect so that I didn't disturb me or anyone else for that matter.  I've just wanted to fit in for years..... and to fit it, I wasn't being authentic.  Being a people pleaser is hard work and exhausting!

I told them how much it frightened me to know that people wanted to end their lives  because of depression.  I know it exists and I know that people can get stuck in the big black hole, but there has to be a way of reaching out!  I didn't want to reach out when I first got sober.  I isolated myself and felt sorry for myself for months because not only did I lose my bestfriend (aka beer and wine), I lost my drinking buddies, my parents stopped coming to visit me, my confidence shot out the door because now I had to feel all the emotions that I once numbed.  What saved me from going to a deep hole is the fact that I realized that my thoughts are not who I am.   "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer taught me how to untether my soul from the rest of my body and mind. And, it came through.  I learned to be grateful, happy, content, calm, still, free.  I learned to find connections through the program and I'm learning to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks.    I'm okay with being alone.  I'm okay with being in debt.  I'm okay with my body image.  I'm okay with quietness.   I'm imperfect and I'm okay with that too.  My favourite quote is "Everything I need shall be provided today".   I live by this quote.  I'm learning to feel worthy for once in my life.  I'm worthy of being sober.  I'm worthy of living my life to the fullest.  I'm worthy of love and relationships.  I'm worthy of asking for help.  I'm worth feeding my body with good wholesome foods.  I'm worth it and I'm going to work damn hard to set boundaries and take risks to step out of my shell....  because I'm worth it!

Life is amazing when you think about it. There is way too much to live for today and I don't think it's our job to take our own lives away from this Earth.  It's not our job!  It's our job to find ourselves, discover who we are, and be okay with all that is.

There IS a way out of depression.  I pray that the people who spoke up last night find their way through it.  I reached out to both of them in hopes that they see a glimmer of light shining through.

Have a blessed day!