...the Point of No Return

But, the problem with drinking alone is that that's when the vino morphs from being 'social lubricant' to 'self medication'. 

I love this quote from mummywasasecretdrinker, my twin sober blogger.  As soon as I read it, I copied it for a post I need to write about.  

I drank alone.  Just about everyday.  I drank socially too.  Every time I was around other adults, I wanted them to drink with me.  It was a great excuse to drink.  People = Drinks.  I wasn't around many people very often.  That was the problem.  At the time, I didn't know or think it was  a problem of course.  But it was.  I see it now.

I drank because it made me feel good.  It brought me to a place of no fear.  I was afraid of nothing.  Nothing could hurt me or bring me down.  Fearless.  It brought me to a place of contentment.  I was just happy, feeling the buzz....being numb.  Content.  The only problem was that the great feelings of bliss only lasted for a few hours.  The more I drank the better I felt, until I reached a certain point....  the point of no return.....

Such a cycle....  

 drink.....no fear....content....buzz.....point of no return.....guilt.....shame......sick.....scared...sad
 drink.....no fear....content....buzz.....point of no return.....guilt.....shame......sick.....scared...sad
 drink.....no fear....content....buzz.....point of no return.....guilt.....shame......sick.....scared...sad


It never failed too.... especially toward the end of my drinking.....  I always seemed to reach the point of no return.... every single time.   Whether I drank alone or socially..... I always passed the point of no return.

After reading the quote up above and being sober for almost 6 months (yes almost half of a friggen year without an ounce of booze....so shocking to me..... so crazy to me.....!!!), I realize that I was self-medicating.  I realize that the alcohol I drank was my medicine....   The feelings it gave me before the point of no return were all I needed to feel alive and healthy again.  I didn't care about the aftermath because the medicine cured me, even if it was just for a little while.  The guilt, shame, sickness, fear and sadness would all go away with another shot of my medicine anyway....so why not?  It was easy.  It was easy to get refills.  The liquor store was just around the corner.  I had a lot of hiding spots, so that it was out of reach from my children.  It was healing my disease and curing my pain.  So I drank.  

The thing is.... the person that I thought I was doesn't even exist!!  What an amazing gift it has been for me to realize this!  She doesn't exist!  That wasn't the "real" me in there!  I've come a long way to realize that that drinking person was such an impostor.  She was hiding.  Hiding from her past.   Hiding from the pain.  Hiding from her realities.  Hiding in a body filled with alcohol and numbness.  She was fake.... living her life the way everyone else wanted her to .... living to make everyone around her happy, but herself.

Truth is, I was living like a little butterfly trapped in her cocoon.  Hiding.  Drinking.  Numbing.  No need to come out.  I was safe.  I kept the world around me safe and perfect so that nobody could hurt me.  It was warm and cozy in my cocoon.  Most days.  

I've stayed in my cocoon long enough!  Time to emerge into the beautiful butterfly that I am supposed to be....  free..... 

I'm feeling it....  the freedom that comes with sobriety.  I'm beginning and trying really hard to love and accept the new me...  the sober one....  the "real" one.    I feel like a butterfly....  exploring the world again with different eyes.  Out of my little cocoon.  Facing reality.  Facing fears.  Facing the pain.  I'm feeling it.  ....

I'm grateful and blessed to finally be here....in this little place of freedom and tranquility.  I love the fact that I've grown so much in the past 6 months.  I'm awakening.  I am also so blessed to have been given the tools I need to teach my kids to live like the butterfly.  There's not better way to be.  

It's easy to get stuck in the cocoon.  It takes so much work to emerge from it.... so much work.... every single day..... we are able to re-emerge....and be free.