...on a Big Book Lesson

... We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning.

...unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery. 

Part of my recovery is working with the AA membership and program.  I am tremendously grateful for having found this program and the many new sober friends that I've met recently.  I understand that there are many out there who don't believe in AA and many may have found their own way of recovering from this incredible disease.   I only write these post in hopes to help somebody out there who may be suffering!  We are all on a path to recovery and this is my spiritual journey.

I've decided to read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (4th edition).  I received the book in 2007, when I first realized that I may have a drinking problem and hit rock bottom.   After several attempts at trying to quit on my own terms, nothing seemed to work.  I've always kept the book close by, knowing that one day, I just may have to delve into it.

I picked the two quotes above to write about today because I feel such a strong connection to them.  This is exactly how my healing began.   My recovery program hasn't been just about me....not drinking.   It's about learning to live my life in a whole new way!

Of course, it begins with not picking up that first drink, even in those crazy times when I feel like I need it the most.   That in itself sometimes takes so much work and honestly sucks the life out of me at times.  It's not easy.....   especially when my friends are drinking on a regular basis..... especially, with summer around the corner. ...  especially when I feel overwhelmed with stress from work or kids or bills or weight.....

There will always be an excuse or reason to drink.  Always.  The insane thing about it, is that for years, I've allowed my excuses to keep me drunk.    " I worked hard today and I'm exhausted... I'm getting drunk tonight"....  OMG ... What an insane excuse to drink.   or  "My ex is such an asshole.  He refused to pick up the kids today...  I'm getting drunk cause I'm so pissed off right now"...   Insane.

 The truth is.... there is never a good excuse to drink or get totally sloshed.  I understand that people drink during social events and can have a couple of drinks here and there, but when you think you have a drinking problem, this just doesn't work!  We make our "good" excuses why we should or could pick up that first drink, drink our asses off, feel like shit, and the cycle begins.  Why do we do that to ourselves?  Why on Earth would I want to continue this crazy cycle of feeling like shit, not sleeping, being unhealthy....  when I have the power to stop it?  Insane thinking, that's what it is!

My recovery is about learning who I am, without the alcohol.   This is called freedom.  Freedom!    It's about discovering that my mind is such a powerful thing.   The mind.   The thing that guides us, unknowingly, along our journey in life.  It never stops talking to you!  It will tell you things that you think you want to hear, even if they will harm you.  It will convince you that your excuses to drink are good ones!  The mind is such a powerful tool.  We have to stop giving it the power!  The only way to do that, is to sit still and quiet the mind.

It took me 44 years to quiet my mind!  44 years before I learned that sitting still in a quiet setting was okay!  Try it!  Sit in a quiet room for 10 minutes.  It's friggen amazing!

You see, when I drank, I had not one second of calmness and stillness.  My life was chaotic, loud and non-stop.  I thought it was normal!

It's only when I began to sit in stillness that I realized that my mind was in a constant chatter.    I realize that I had a lot more power than I thought I had.  I learned to be okay in stillness.  I learned that I didn't have to listen to my mind.  I learned that I'm just the observer of my thoughts and sometimes those thoughts are gone off on a wild tangent!  This is the psychic change that is mentioned in the quote above.   Our thoughts have to change in order for recovery to happen!  

Everyone who is looking to recover will take a different journey.  I'm loving my journey today.  I believe that God (my Higher Power) has given me a miracle.  He lifted the burden of the constant craving for alcohol.  (see Prayer in labels)   I'm not sure how this happens!  But, I like it and I'm grateful.

I am still learning.  I'm learning to be okay in the stillness.  I'm learning to accept the things I cannot change.  I'm learning to be at peace and most of all, I'm learning to love myself again (like I did when I was a kid).  One day at a time.