...on Hope

Last Sunday, I got to chair my first AA meeting.  I was nervous of course.  The room filled up quickly. The worse part about the meeting was having to hit the table with the gavel to get everyone's attention.  I also had to stop discussion at the end of the meeting, with the gavel, as there were another 10 people to talk and there was just not enough time.   I think that the gavel should be replaced with bells because I'm sure it affects people who've been through the court system.  Heck, I've been there, for the divorce, and it brings me back down memory lane.... and I just don't like it.  I may start bringing a little bell with me...in case I'm asked to chair a meeting again.  ;)

Anyhow.  It went well.  The meeting was very powerful!  It was held at our mental institution here where I live so I was a little leery about chairing this meeting.

The thoughts about going to a mental institution for a meeting scared me.  I couldn't seem to wrap my head around the fact that a person can get so messed up on alcohol or drugs and want to hurt themselves or others.  Also, there are so many preconceptions about mental institutions in our society.  To be honest,  I've always been told that the people in there are in the "looney bin" and were "coo coo".  So, I was scared.  What did I know?

Before the meeting, we showed a quick video called "Hope:  Alcoholic Anonymous" to some of the patients.   Women, my age.  A young guy.  A teenage girl.  Human beings struggling with addictions. I felt myself get so overwhelmed with emotions and hope.  I wanted to reach out to these people and tell them how amazing sobriety is!  I wanted to tell them that they can turn their lives around today!  I wanted to tell them that they are so empowered and once they discovered that, they can achieve peace and serenity in the vicious cycle that they were going through!  So many things I wanted to say.  I didn't.

We finished the video and went to the AA meeting room.  The patients came too.  There were about 40 people in that room.  I selected readers, chaired the meeting and qualified.   Then, I listened.  I embraced myself in the room with all of the people's stories.  The patients spoke.  I listened.  I felt their fear.   I felt their pain.  Just "normal" people, like me, trying to deal with the pain from some of the shit that happened to them in the past and they just haven't been able to find a way out.  Just like me.... for all the years that I drank, I was lost.  Alone.  Scared.

I don't know a heck of a lot about mental illnesses but I know one thing for sure.  Many people in our mental institutions are there because they are victims.  They are human beings living with pain and they just don't know how to live their lives without numbing their pain.  I was there.  ....when I drank.  I may not have ended up in the institution, but I was there.  Lost.  Alone.

I got to call forward anyone who was attending their first meeting to hand out a 24-hour chip.  One lady came to me.  I embraced her.  She embraced me.  She had hope.  I had hope.

After the meeting, one of the patients came to me and said she felt so embarrassed because she cried and got emotional.  I told her how many times I've done that and that it was okay to feel the pain and release it.  It's all part of healing.  It's all part of recovery.  I told her what AA group I belonged to and she said she'd like to start coming to meetings.  We hugged.  She had hope.

That meeting was probably one of the most powerful experiences I've had in my life.  I'll never forget the look on these women's faces.  The look of despair, sadness, and hope.  I pray for them to find a way out.... their way out.  I pray that God gives them to strength to live a life... sober.