....on Healing

I've been struggling with my past demons for a couple of weeks now....and trying to accept and let go.  I know there's nothing I can change.  I know there's nothing I can do to fix things that have happened.  They just happened.   It's done.

Last night's AA meeting was just what I needed.  Topics for discussion were resentments and acceptance of all things.  Tell me about being right where I'm supposed to be!

Here are the whispers I heard.

It's hard to be happy when you're holding on to resentments.  

So true, isn't it.  Holding on to resentments keeps us stuck in this place of misery.  Keeps us stuck where we really don't want to be.  Keeps us feeling sad, hurt, depressed.... when the fact is the people who hurt us the most have moved on and feel nothing from what has happened to us.   They are probably not even thinking about these events, not even for one second!  Why are we holding on?   One girl mentioned that she wishes for the people who hurt her to feel her pain....to suffer.....  I think we probably all wish for this at one point or another.   I want revenge.  I want them to feel shitty and hurt and depressed, the way I felt for years.    You see, to open the door to happiness, we have to let go of the big packsack of resentments, hurt and anger we are carrying.  It doesn't fit through the door!  To enter the door to true happiness and peace, is to drop the packsack of fear and pain.  It's so much easier said than done, but it makes so much sense to me.   I'm almost ready to drop the packsack but for some reason there's a knot in one of the straps and it won't come off yet!

You can't change the past.

The past is done.  It's gone.  We really can't change anything from it.  We can only take what happened to us and learn from it.  Grow from it.  Take something... a lesson.... and apply it to our lives today.   Even the shitty events.  Time to get them out of my head.  Somehow.  I have to let them go through my body, feel the pain, and let them go.  I'm halfway there.  I'm feeling the pain.  I think it needs to be a part of my healing on this sober journey.  I think it's time to feel the pain now so that I can stop wanting to numb it.  I've been emotional.  I'm healing.

They only did the best they can with what they knew.  The are only doing the best they can with what they know.

I've forgiven some of the people that hurt me, with this sentence.  It was good to hear it again from someone else last night.  I truly believe that people do only what they know.   Some people just don't know any better, especially if we step back and look at their past.  Most people that hurt us are probably victims as well.  I try to look at things in this perspective now and it's freeing me a little.... just knowing that that's all they knew.... that's all they know.  My parents are alcoholics.  They come from generations of alcoholics.  They have a past as well and they chose to carry that into their lives today.  I can't change that.  I can't heal for them.  I'm choosing to heal me.... and live my life differently.... sober.  My ex was raised in a hostile environment.  No wonder he's a negative, harsh, mean man.  It probably isn't his fault that he's the way he is and I really don't think he has the capability of seeing or knowing any better ways of life.   He is a product of his environment and he can't see that things could be so much better.  

So.... I have forgiven.  I have to forgive.  I have to let go.  I pray for them.  I have forgiven with some understanding that they have a past too. ....but I haven't forgotten.  And, that's where I'm stuck and want to let go.  I'm healing.

When it was my turn to talk at the meeting, I was going to pass.  But, I didn't.  I broke down.  I told them I'm hurting.   I'm not use to feeling the feelings.  I'm not use to dealing with issues and people without the strength that alcohol gave me.  I have to somehow find my inner strength that's been buried way deep inside of me.  I know it's in there.  I feel it.  I'm healing.  Slowly.  I mentioned that I felt like a 17 year old, emotionally...trying to figure out who I am and what life is about.   Someone came to me at the end of the meeting and asked how old I was when I started drinking.   15.  He said that's why I feel like an emotional 17 year old.  The alcohol stopped me from growing all these years.  I wasn't really present to feel and heal.  Nobody taught me to be confident.  Nobody taught me to hit life head on, without alcohol. 

This is really the beginning of a new journey for me.  I'm learning to live a life without alcohol to support me.  I'm learning to be free and healthy.  I'm learning to live in the moment.  I'm learning to live in love and not in fear.  I have no regrets anymore for I know that the past has brought me to where I am today.  The past has happened, not by error.... but by chance.  Everything that has happened to me has made me the woman I am today.  I'm independent, strong, calm, loving, and best of all......sober.   I'm glad I'm recovering today.  One day at a time.  I'm healing.  I'm letting go.  I'm finding out who I am.  The real me is back.