...on Unconditional Love

I made a promise to my children the other day.... the day that I lost my shit on them.   I promised them that I would try harder...not lose my shit and swear around them when I'm angry again.    I've always told myself as a child that I never wanted to sound like my parents and I know that I certainly do at times.

I can only remember too well, the feelings I felt when my parents were in their fits of rage.  Shouting.  Cursing.  Slamming cupboard doors.   The rye and water.  The anger.  The fear.  The feelings of emptiness and sadness overcame my inner child.  I hid in my closet.  Spent nights in my closet.  Lost.

I've come a long way since I started parenting in 1991.

I don't lose it on my kids as much as I did 5 years ago.  I've always promised myself to never put my children through what I went through.  But, I slip sometimes.  I'm human.

So, my promise to them will require a lot of work.  A daily basis amount of work.  I almost feel like I need a parenting course.   Being a good parent is going to require me to be fully conscious at all times.  I have to hold on to that.  I have to be aware of all my emotions and feelings on a daily basis, so that I could react to my children's behaviours in more appropriate ways.  I was tested last night, again.

Patrick....  I can't sleep mom

Me .... (OMG! It's 11 o'clock and I'm half asleep.  Not this again.  I'm friggen tired.  Fuck!)....all this was said in my head.....

I get up.  I'm calm.  I ask what's wrong.  He starts tearing up.  He doesn't like to disturb me.  I know this.  He knows I like my sleep so he's worried I'm going to lose it.  I know this.   I rub his back.  I'm conscious.  I'm calm.  He's upset.  He's hot.  He wants to sleep but he can't.  He feels sick.  He's worried that I'm upset.

Kelly.....  Mom!  I want to watch TV!  I can't sleep too.  Please mom!  I can't sleep without my TV!

Me.... (OMG!  What's wrong with these kids.  Can't they just go to bed when it's time to go to bed.  Fuck!)..... said in my head.....

Me.....  What would you like me to do guys.  There's no TV allowed now and it's bed time.  I have to work and you have school.  We need sleep.  You have to focus on your breath and allow your body to rest.

Needless to say.... my answer wasn't good enough.  Test?   Yes, test.  Test to mommyhood for sure!  Both kids crying.  I'm tired.  I just want sleep.   I think.  

Me....  K guys.  Come lay with mommy for a while.  I snuggle with them.  I'm calm.  I tell them ways to relax their body, even when they can't sleep.  I tell them I love them.  They fall asleep.  In my arms.   Content.  I don't sleep much but I'm okay with that.  I've accepted it.  My kids are young today.  They won't snuggle with me much longer.  They will be on their own one day, living their lives with their new families.  I have to enjoy the moments.

I love my kids unconditionally.  I know this, but I want them to know this.  I need them to know that even when they are acting like monsters, I still love them....unconditionally.  The best way for me to show this is by remaining calm during crises and "showing" them that I love them even when all hell breaks loose.  They will fight.  They will argue.  They will disobey.  They are human.

When I was a child, I didn't feel the unconditional love that a parent is supposed to give their child.   There were always conditions on my life for me to feel loved.  I had to get good marks in school.  I had to keep my room clean.  I had to clean the house.  I had to care for my sisters.  I had to play Barbies quietly.  I had to stay out of my parents way.  I had to be perfect!

I'm not setting conditions on my children like that.  I want them to grow into the spiritual beings they were meant to be.  I want them to know that they are loved always.  I want them to grow with confidence and know that even when they make mistakes, they can conquer the world.  I want to be a better mommy.

I'm a sober mommy.  I'm learning how to live life on life's terms.  I'm supposed to teach my kids to do the same.....to live life on life's terms.  That's my job.  My sobriety has brought me many gifts.  My sobriety has given me freedom to choose....freedom to choose to live in love or in fear.... freedom to feel the feelings and emotions, let them pass through my body and let them go.....freedom to be conscious.....  and fully present in my life.... freedom to love my children unconditionally.