I don't drink. I don't smoke. I have nothing to calm my nerves when the kids are getting under my skin anymore and I have to learn how to handle the stress they bring to me in much different ways.
They fight. My 13 year old daughter (the princess of the house) whines and cries until she gets her way. And, yes.... she gets her way because I get tired of the crying and whining and give in to her wants, due to guilt. Bad parenting happening here.
Everything they want to do cost money. Like damn it.... I got no extra money to spare here. So, I tell them I can't afford that right now..... and now they have that worry.... we are poor and mommy is broke.
I sometimes feel like I've traumatized my kids.
Anyhow, last nights episode started like this.
Kelly.... Let's go to a movie... I'm so bored.
Me..... I didn't really want to go out today honey. Let's have a nice fire in the backyard and roast wieners.
Not good enough for her.
Kelly..... I'm so bored.
Kelly..... I'm so bored. There's nothing to do. Can we please get out of the house.
Me..... (feelings of guilt because they are bored)
Me..... Ok. What's playing at the movies?
Patrick.... I want to see the Avengers!!!
Kelly..... I want to see Pitch Perfect!!!
Me...... I guess we aren't going to the movies......
The argument on which movie to see went on for an hour. They Rock-Paper-Scissored it and Patrick won. However, Kelly.... found a way to convince him otherwise. End result.... Patrick didn't want to go.
Me..... We're just going to stay home guys.....
Kelly...... (hissy fit)
Me..... Get in the car.
So this is where I lose it. I swear. I tell them they are spoiled. I tell them I'm broke and don't want to spend money. I swear again. I tell Kelly she's a control freak and I'm tired of her manipulating to get her own way. Kids are crying. I'm trying to breath. I swear. I know I've screwed up in the motherhood department again. I wonder why I lose it. I wonder why I can't control my foul mouth when I'm pissed off at the kids. I wonder why I sound and act like my mother ...still. I wonder how I could be a better mom. I wonder why my chest feels like its the heaviest thing in the world.
I turn the van around. Kids are sad. I'm sad. I'm the adult, I know. I know I'm not supposed to snap.
I have no booze, no smokes, no anti-depressants.....nothing to calm me ....but me.
We come home. We aren't going to enjoy a movie in our states. We calm down. I apologize. Patrick says he hates it when I swear and get mad. He has big tears coming down his cheeks. I hug him. I'm sorry. Kelly doesn't talk to me.
I apologize again. I tell them I'm doing the best I can. I tell them I made a mistake. I tell them I'm not perfect. I know I should be in better control of my anger. I should have taken a time-out. I know I have to stick to my decisions. When I say no, it should stay no. My kids know that if they hound me enough, they'll get what they want. I get it. They're kids. It's normal.
I cheer them up. I tell them I'm sorry. We start to laugh. They know I'm a good mom. They know I'm not perfect. I tell them I'm not broke, as in we are poor. I tell them I have money. We can afford to buy what we need. I tell them I just didn't want to spend money today.
We are okay. I take them out for a ride to Tim Horton's. We see the Midway. What better way to end the night than going on Midway Rides, screaming and laughing. We did that. Screamed. Laughed.
I'm not a perfect mom. I'm learning to be a sober mom. It's work in progress.
I do have to find more fun, "free" family activities though..... being a single mom isn't always easy. Being a sober, single mom is even harder.
Dear SM,
ReplyDeleteBeing a single mom has to be very, very hard.
I don't have children, but as a retired teacher, I sure get how children act!
I like how you talked to your children. They seem to be old enough to know the differences betweens wants and needs.
Hugs to you,
Wendy
For some reason I wasn't seeing your posts! Now I'm back though.
ReplyDeleteBeing a single mom is very hard but who says you can't lose it from time to time? Who says you're not allowed to make mistakes? 1. There are no perfect moms 2. When you think you've screwed up, refer to #1.
The important thing is to be honest and vulnerable with your kids. Sounds to me like you made a really good memory and that you're in perfect pitch. (See what I did there? HA!!! I slay me!)
I think you're a GREAT mom. A great SOBER mom.
Sherry
Try to quit giving them a choice....you hold those purse strings......Ok.....tonight we ARE going to do this or that..(what you can comfortably afford ) and if the princess doesn't like it she doesn't have to participate... when she says she is bored my mother told me I was just boring and dig into my imagination to find something to do......I started to write poetry and other things......when you give into those hissy fits you are not a bad parent but you have taught her that she will get what she wants if she whines long enough.....at some point no needs to mean no.......I wish you strength and hope and realize your not alone in the battle with teenagers....Try to get your backbone back and quit losing your cool my friend
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