...on Soberly Dealing With Inner Disturbances

Good grief!  I've been on a roller coaster ride of emotions for the past few days.  I've been aware and consciously feeling certain "inner disturbances" lately and I'm  doing it without alcohol to calm them down.   It's not easy.  

Inner disturbances are shifts in energies that come through my body.  One moment, I could be so happy and high on life and the next moment..... Whammo!  Someone f%^$*(s it up!  I can get scared, anxious, mad, hurt, angry, sad, insecure in an instant.  All these feelings and shifts of energy brings me so much insecurity.

Where do all these insecurities stem from?  It wasn't so bad when I was drinking because when I had these inner disturbances I could drink a glass of wine and in an instant, gone.  No more insecurity.  No more inner disturbance.  I didn't care what other people thought of me when I was drinking.  Well, I maybe cared a little.....  but, it surely didn't affect my life as much back then because I numbed the feelings I felt.  Booze made me happy and secure and calm.

I'm not numbing the feelings now and boy the inner disturbances in my body are running high.  I'm having a really hard time dealing with my insecurities now.

So....I've been doing some soul searching, reading and meditating to find some answers as to why I am so friggen insecure.

This is the only thing I can come up with.

I went to visit my parents last weekend.  Wake-up call.  All my life, all I ever wanted was a mom and dad to spend time with me.  I wanted them to love me unconditionally and wanted them to make me feel special, like I was the only child in the universe.  As I watch my kids struggle with wanting attention from my parents (the way I did), something really hit home.  I've been wishing for my parents to be great grand-parents for my kids, but I can now see that it is not possible.  How can I expect this of them, when they had such trouble giving me the attention I needed when I was a kid.  I craved attention.  I was insecure throughout my whole childhood.  I remember wanting to crawl out of my skin when a boy would come and talk to me.... literally.   I still feel that way.  In my forties.  I don't want to feel that way anymore.

I was there....  where my parents are.   I was drowning in wanting alcohol more than wanting to spend time with my kids.  I was selfish and lost.  I wasn't seeing any of those special moments that pass us by on a daily basis.  I was obsessed with wanting to drink more than wanting to satisfy my kids' needs for attention and love.

I love my parents.  I know that they did they best they could with what they knew.  I am forgiving them.  I'm letting go......

Now, I have to try and fix me.  I have to release some of these crazy insecurities I've been feeling.  I don't understand why I still have them.  I have a super job, great house, great kids, a healthy life, good friends.   Why is it that I am still so very uncomfortable in my own skin at times.   I know that I have to let go of the need to make everyone like me.  I have to let go of trying to make the world around me perfect so that I don't feel inner disturbances.  I know I have to surrender.  It's not easy.  I don't like it when people are upset with me.  I don't like it when people hurt me.  I don't like the fact that my ex is still trying to control and hurt me through our children.  It hurts me.  It hurts a lot.  I'm feeling it....right in the center of my chest.  I am breathing.  I am trying to let go.  The fact is .... I can't control what others do or say.  I can only try my best to release these feelings of pain, resentment and insecurities.   I am aware.  I am conscious. 

I went to a meeting last night.  My ex has been trying to take that away from me too.   He's been telling my kids that I care more about the meetings than I care about them.  Nice eh!  That's what I have to deal with.  I have a choice to make here.   I can hold on to resentments and hate him for bashing me in front my children, for the 100th time.....  Or I can let it go.... forgive and forget....pray for him.   Someone at the meeting said that I should be honest.  Tell him how I feel.  Then, let it go.   Will that really matter though?  He's heart-less.  He's mean.  He's full of anger and negative spirit.  I hope and pray that he just doesn't screw up my beautiful children's hearts.

Anyhow, I had to let that off my chest I guess.  I'll keep you posted on what decisions I've made to deal with these "inner disturbances" .....without alcohol.  I have to find a way to deal with my insecurities too.....