My son also had a celebration yesterday too... his 11th birthday party. I had 7 boys run around my home for the afternoon until about 3 am..... They are sleeping. I am blogging. This is my favourite time of the day.
The staff at work had a celebration Friday too.... end of year drinks at the restaurant nearby. I didn't go.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this post, but I want to say that I love being free to choose my celebrations.
Every year I throw birthday parties for my kids. Truthfully, it was a great time for me to drink! An excuse. My thoughts were "OMG. There's too many kids running around. I need a drink." Kids were busy. I drank. Alone. I numbed myself so that I didn't have to listen to the chaosness. The problem with this is that I never had the opportunity to listen to the joy that the kids were experiencing either. I was so caught up in my obsession. I was too busy... drinking... making sure that nobody got hurt because I couldn't drive anyone anywhere.... feeling stressed about the chaos of having kids mess the house or get loud. I was plain miserable and so very stressed!
Yesterday's party was the best one ever! I watched they boys play, scream, mess the house up, and live in the moment. I loved every second of it. I was calm. My sister came over and kept asking me what was wrong. She said "I don't know how you handle it". She's so use to me feeling irritable in these situations and uptight about all of the action because that's how I was living my life. I was irritable! I was loud! I was stressed out! All the time! Not just at birthday parties! Everyday, people could see and feel the stress around my Being! But, things have changed for me. I don't think she likes the new me very much. It's not the first time she's mentioned that I "seem" different. But I am! I am so happy and it's coming from the inside out. It's a "quiet" happy. It's freedom.
I chose not to go out with the staff after work on Friday. I could have went, and had a pop. But, I didn't. I don't feel connected to most of them anymore.... not like I use to be. The connection was all alcohol related. We use to have monthly "choir" practices at someone's home, get all shit-faced and feel like crap for a whole day.... well, I did anyway. Looking back, I was probably the only one who puked her face off at someone's home, pass out on the bathroom floor, dance with the dog, yell, scream, get rowdy, take off her shirt. That was me! All of the above.
Or, that was the person I thought I was. I thought I was just..... normal. But I wasn't. I wasn't my true self at those parties. I was being someone else so that I could feel like I "fit in". I wanted to be cool. I wanted to be loved. I wanted people to accept me and love me and think I was the funnest person at the party. I wanted people to see me as strong, fun, cool, happy....... And, they did. They'd say things like...
-That was the best party ever!
-Can't have a party without you!
-Are you gonna be there tonight?
-You were so funny last night!
-OMG, remember when you ......
They'd say these things and it made me feel good about myself. It fed my Ego mind and told me that it was normal to drink my face off to entertain everyone else.
What wasn't normal was the way I felt the next day. Sick. Wasted days! Wasted mind! Wondering what I did last night or how I got home. I'm sure people said....
-OMG, did you see what she did last night?
-She's so loud and annoying
-I can't believe she passed out on the bathroom floor...at 10 o'clock!
I feel more "normal" now. My true self is coming alive again. I'm learning to be happy with who I am and the people that will love me, will love me for who I am. I'm finding connections with people who bring me peace and serenity. I am calm. I am taking life as it comes to me and I'm enjoying the little moments that I would have otherwise missed. I am healthy. I am sleeping like a baby. I am free. I can drive anywhere, anytime. I love my life. I have the power to choose to be happy. I have the power to choose which celebrations I will attend. I choose love. I choose to connect and celebrate with the people that make me feel whole again.
Congrats sober twin! You rock! Awesome post. Love London SM x
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