...on Thinking "Am I Missing Out?"

It's been a very busy week.

As some of you know, I've been torn about the idea of getting back together with my ex-husband.  We've been apart for over 5 years now, and he has continuously been working at trying to win me over.  I've come to the realization that I haven't really been free from him over the last few years.  He's always there....  getting involved in my life.... no matter what I do...  I haven't had much time to get to know me and figure out what I want or need in my life.

We've been spending time together for the past few weeks, with the kids...  as a family.  It's been nice....  but that's it.... just nice.    I love being with my kids every single day.  I love watching them grow, laugh and live their lives.  But,  when I'm with their father, I feel like there's something missing in our relationship.  It's always been missing and it's time that I face that.  I sometimes wonder if I'm just too damn picky and just not happy with anything.  He's a great guy and great father, but we don't spark.  We don't communicate.  At all.

The meditation of the day in "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie speaks about letting go of resistance.  It says ...don't be in such a hurry to move on...  Relax.  Breathe.  Be in harmony today.  Let today happen and don't worry about tomorrow's feelings, problems and gifts.  So I'm doing that.  I'm not making any major decisions today.  I'm just letting things be and I'm believing that everything I need will be given to me today..... from God ... from the Universe.

I've had some thoughts about drinking during this past weekend.  It hit me hard when we were camping in a tent and most people around the other camps were "socializing" with their drinks in hand.   Alcohol sure was cunning, baffling and powerful to me.  There was a constant battle in my head with alcohol.   The booze was trying to convince me to drink it.  It almost felt like it was sitting on my right shoulder, talking to me.  Here are some things it said....

 -You're not a "real" alcoholic Jen
-You could start drinking in moderation now
-Nobody will know if you pick up a six pack
-Everyone else is drinking around the campfire, doesn't it look fun?
-You're missing out on socializing with everyone
-What's the harm in having a few drinks once in a while
-They are drinking and they aren't thinking they're alcoholics....why are you thinking that?

DANG IT!  The thoughts in my head didn't stop for a couple of days.... and it was hard.

I did a nice 10 KM run on Sunday, which helped tremendously!  I came in 3rd place in my age category and that was exciting!   Running sure does relieve a lot of stress in my body and mind.  I love it so much and I'm so very grateful that I'm able to do it.  If I didn't run as much as I do, and feel as healthy and blessed as I do, I'd be drinking....  I'd be stuck in the vicious cycle again.  I just know it.

My big question today is .....Am I really missing out?

I guess I will always face those thoughts about alcohol.  It must be normal to feel like I'm missing out on something fun at times.  I know that I don't want to drink like I use to... and feel as shitty as I once did.  I know that if I start drinking again, I will become the same "obsessed with alcohol" person that I once was.  I know I don't want hangovers or sleepless nights anymore.  I know that I want to stay healthy and focussed on the present moment.



So, I'll keep working it....  One day at a time.