Day 6

I got the call last night at 1 am.....the one from my son who said he had a sore belly and he wanted to come home.  He was at his friend's for a sleepover and was home sick.  It felt fantastic to be able to say...I'm on my way hunny...... no worries about drinking and driving....I WAS SOBER!!

I've been thinking about giving up the wine for about two weeks now....heck, it's always at the back of my mind.  I barely drink anymore and I still find myself feeling like shit, losing sleep and gaining weight.  I would look at my face in the mirror and I could see it aging on a daily basis...so swollen....so blah.  I started praying.  I've always believed that God was watching me and guiding me on my journey of life.  Here is the prayer that I prayed everyday. 


Dear God

I cannot stop drinking.

I have tried.

I have tried so hard.

And still, Lord, I go back and do it, though I hate myself for doing it.

I cannot stop, I cannot stop.

You, dear Lord, are my refuge and security and strength when I cannot go on.

Please lift me and share Your strength with me.

Please lift me from this burden, the burden of addiction,

The pain of this self-hatred,

The power of this demon within me.

I do not have the power on my own to fight this beast.

But You, dear Lord, You do.

You do.

I praise Your strength and power and love.

Please give it to me.

Please take away my desire to drink.  

I surrender all, I lay myself in Your arms.

Please give me a miracle. 

Thank you

Thank  you

Amen

The part that got me the most about this prayer was the part about the demon within me.  In my first blog way back in 2012, a friend of mine sent me a message about this demon....  You can find it on my first blog. (http://breakingthecyclemom.blogspot.ca/.  I kept his letter on the sidebar because it meant a lot to me.  At the time.... I was just so happy that he cared enough to send me a message.  But, now that I reflect back on his message and when I compare it to the message in the prayer, it's the demon part that has helped me get sober.  He wrote:

Hey, YOU CAN do it!"
Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength."I, like many other people believe in you! B

de·mon¹

ˈdēmən/

noun

1. 1.

   an evil spirit or devil, especially one thought to possess a person or act as a tormentor in hell.

My addiction to alcohol is my demon.  I carry him with me everywhere I go. Everyday, he tormented my life... from the time I was born (through my parents), during my adolescence and throughout my adulthood and I'm done with him!  I'm done letting him take over my thoughts.  I'm done letting him take over my body.  I'm so much stronger that that bastard!   I'm not gonna let him take me down with him.  There's no way in hell that he's gonna win this battle.  

We all have our demons, I just choose not to feed mine anymore.  He will starve....and when he dies, I'll be alive again!!

I'll never forget my friend for believing in me.