Daily Reflection

Recovery is hard, isn't it?  We are filled with a world of alcohol, parties, and chaos.  Everywhere you turn, there's a picture of booze or drinking people.  It's all around us.  Not only that, but how often are we faced with people that don't believe we can do this or don't understand why we are trying to recover.

People don't think I'm an alcoholic.  I'm a high-functioning type drunk.   I have a great career, manage a beautiful brick bungalow, parent three wonderful children and participate in a variety of sports, including coaching.  I pay my bills and get up everyday (hungover or not) to do what I have to do.  I am fun and I am the life of the partay!!  Why on earth would I want to quit drinking, they say?   

I love booze, especially red wine.  I love cooking and cleaning with a glass of wine close by.  It makes me feel calm, content, foggy.  It gets my mind off of all those high-functioning things that have to get done, even if it's just for a few hours.

But, lately, I feel like shit the more and more I drink.  I haven't really been getting wasted...like I use to but I do get the buzz on.  My kids get so disappointed in me when they see me with a glass of wine, especially my daughter.  She's lost all faith in me because I've told her many times that I've quit drinking now, so of course she's disappointed.  I don't sleep well, at all if I've even had up to 3 glasses of wine.  I toss and turn, waking up to pee and drinking water so that I'm not feeling hungover for work.  I hate losing sleep!  It kills me.  It makes me all puffy and cranky.  My kids always ask...why are you so tired mommy?  I say...because I didn't sleep good last night and I'm just tired.   Truth is....I'm tired because I drank some wine last night and the damn stuff kept me up!  Another reason I feel like shit is because when I do have some wine or beer, I eat.... I eat whatever is around so that the kids don't smell the booze on my breath.  I eat like shit and I've gained 20 pounds since last time I quit.  I don't like my body.  I don't like the way I feel and I sure as hell don't like the way I look.  I'm tired.  I'm also tired of the damn obsession!!  The 3 o'clock obsession that wonders if I have the alcohol I need at home to get me through the night.  The obsession of wondering if I can get out of an activity with the kids so that I can "relax" and have a drink.  The obsession of having to drop off the kids at home so that I can get to the liquor store, without them knowing.  The obsession of hiding the booze in the garage, under a bag so that they don't see it.  I'm friggen tired!

People wonder why I want to quit drinking.  Heck, without me, their parties will be booooo....rrrring!

I don't care about other people anymore.  I have to care for me.  I have to break the cycle and show my kids that we are empowered to be anything we want to be in this crazy world.  I have to believe that my higher power has helped me in the last two weeks see that things were meant to happen this way for me.  I needed to learn to be patient...  I needed to learn that I have been led and guided in some way to this day... this sober, amazing day.  Things are coming into place for me now.  I can see it.  I can see that this year, my life will be different.  

I did nothing in 2014.  Nothing but drink it away and feel sorry for myself.  Didn't run.  Didn't eat healthy.  Didn't put myself out there, to help others.  Didn't blog.   Didn't live.

I'm going to live in 2015.  I'm going to live it, meet my challenges head on, help others, eat healthy, run, love myself and stay sober.  I have to.  I want to.

And, when people ask me why I don't want to drink, I'll simply say "I'm changing the way I live this year"