My Sober Christmas!

I survived Christmas at mom and dad's.  God (myHP) was there with me, I just know it.

Did I want to drink and join in on the fun and laughs and pure oblivion?  Fuck yeah. I did!  Resistance to the temptation of wanting to drink was hard as shit!

I had to step out of myself for a few minutes here and there to remind myself that having a drink or more, definitely more, wouldn't have brought me that happiness I so crave and want from alcohol for long.  I would have hated myself I think.  I've come such a long way and I like being sober.  I really like it.

I like who I've become.  I like the me that I am.  I am fun and loving.  I can run around and chase kids without drinking.  I can sing and dance and make people laugh.  I can also be quiet.  I can read.  I can rest.  I can enjoy the moment.  I can just be me.  I do the best I can with what I have and what I know.

During the night, as the wine and beer were being poured, I watched.  I had little mini urges to drink but nothing worth writing about.   OK.  Some of them were huge!  It sucked to have a craving for something and not pick it up.  Also, a big part of me sat there for a few minutes and thought, <<holy crap, I just don't fit in anymore>>.  I was also so worried that they'd of thought I was a boring sober old lady.... but I wasn't.   I did all the things I did when I was drinking.   At one point, my Kelly came in for a very close hug, and I knew that she was checking for an alcohol smell on my breath.  And I got some good sleep.  Fucking great sleep actually.   I also got to wake up early, enjoy my coffee and watch the birds out my parents backyard, facing the lake.  Really watch the birds.   I got to see my kids laugh and hug me and say "I'm really proud of you mom". "I love you so much".

It's Christmas Eve.  We had a quiet night, just me and 2 of my children.  My older son is 2500 miles away, in a different province.  I miss him dearly.  We had a turkey dinner tonight, played games and snuggled to a great movie.  It was quiet.  It was perfect.  I get to sleep like a baby and wake up feeling like a champ!  This is my first sober Christmas Eve and tomorrow will be the first time in years that I could wake up without feeling shitty on Christmas morning.  I look forward to coffee, children's smiles, and a lot of love, health and happiness.

Merry Christmas.

Sober Mommy

....Alcohol Will Surround Me

I'm headed out to mom and dad's tonight.  I expressed my concerns about the situation I'll be in over the next few days at my meeting last night.

I will be surrounded by alcohol.

And, in my moment of weakness, as I chaired the meeting that I wasn't planning on attending, a member reminded me of this very important fact.  

I am a fighter!

These were his words:

"Jen.  In the short time I've known you and seen you in this program, there's one thing I notice about you.  You're a fighter. You put on those boxing gloves and you fight.  Fight off that little voice in your head or punch off the little guy on your shoulders.  Just don't stop fighting.  I'd admire you for being a fighter.  It makes me wanna fight too"

A message from up above?   I think so.  Nothing happens by mistake.

So, I will fight this week.  I will remember why I gave up alcohol in the first place.  It is shit and it will make my life shitty.  I know that.  I just have to remember that, in my times of weakness.

It's been my mom's dream to have all the family together at Christmas in her beautiful home on the lake.  I want to make her dreams come true.  I may not stay long.  Hell, I may even come back home to my safe place tomorrow (4 hour drive), but I will not drink.  I want mom to be happy.  I love mom.  She needs her family.  I will be a strong, loving, sober, fun, happy, daughter.  And when dad becomes a drunken ass, I will go to bed and read and pray.

Who Am I?

Many of you know that I've been struggling with self-esteem issues lately.  I have zero confidence.  When I look in the mirror, I see a woman who is aging.... a woman who has lost her identity.  I don't like her.  I don't even know her.

When I was drinking I really didn't have these issues.   Well...maybe I was just in denial.  I'm not really sure what shifted for me.  What changed so drastically in my life that I now feel like I'm walking around on eggshells all the time?  I am living in constant fear of what other people think of me.  I worry about what they will think of the decisions I make in my life, with what I look like, with my behaviours.  I am constantly worried about what I say or do, and sugarcoat everything in hopes to not "upset" someone or create an uncomfortable feeling in them, or in me.

It's wrong.  I can't be honest.  I can't be me.   Something huge is preventing me from being the me that I am supposed to be.  Who am I anyway?

I've been really working hard at it, but I'm struggling really badly.  I've built this huge wall of bricks around me.  My struggles are causing me to isolate and stay alone.  I am quiet.  I push people away because it's just easier for me to not have to worry about how they feel about me.  And, this internal struggle makes me think that if I go back to drinking, I can just be happy again. ....and stop all this worry.  I can talk the talk and walk the walk and I can go back to being confident, independent and strong.  

I am weak.

I am vulnerable.

I am aware of this.

I'm reading a book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Browne.   I signed up for the e-course months ago, but I haven't had the chance to complete the lessons.  The book is great.  I need to focus on the readings and read more.   I need a time-out.

The sub-title of the book is "Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are"

I've got a lot of work to do.  I want to embrace who I am, but I honestly don't know who I am yet.

How do I find my identity again?  How do I find my confidence?  How do I stop giving a shit about everyone else in this world so that I can be me?

I'm hoping to get answers soon....  real soon.

On another note, I managed to get my tree up this morning, with coffee in hand.  Kids are happy.  Mommy is happy.

...on Struggles

I want to drink.  I don't want to drink.  I want to drink.  I don't want to drink.  I want to drink.  I don't want to drink.

That's how my mind has been working lately.  It thinks it's missing out on some fun.  It really believes that it's been missing out on some fun.

My staff party was last night.  I didn't go.  I wanted to go, but there's a big part of me that's still afraid to show my sober side.   My co-workers hounded me all week to go, because they love the fact that I was the life of the party at every event!

I wasn't a bad drunk.  I wasn't mean.  I was so much fun!  I had confidence.  I was alive.  I didn't give a shit about what other people thought of me.  I miss that!  A lot!

I'm stuck in these "feelings" now.  I'm sober so I have no way of hiding.  I'm trying to find my confidence, again.  It's gone.  I'm trying to be fun and I'm trying to be alive ....and it's so damn hard!  I want to crawl and hide in a big hole.

The only reason I quit drinking in the first place was because I didn't like hangovers or losing sleep.  I also quit for my kids.  They annoyed me every time I drank.  But damn it, I am missing my fun-loving, easy-going, party girl, that was full of life and joy.

My sister went out dancing last night.  I didn't go.  I wanted to go.

I didn't even put my Christmas Tree up yet!  I never did that without drinking!

Argh!

...on Holiday Thoughts

Things have been quite busy for me.  I'm sure most people are feeling it.  Getting ready for Christmas and all....

I'm preparing for Christmas in more ways, than most people are.   I have to get my mind, body and spirit ready for all of the festivities that will surround me, especially the ones including alcohol.  I plan on going to mom's cottage out in the middle of nowhere.  I plan on seeing some friends, that will possibly drink in front of me.  I plan on staying sober.

I've been going to a lot of meetings lately.  More than I normally attend.  I've been surrounding myself with people from the program so that they can help me remember why I got sober in the first place. I need as many tips and tricks to survive this holiday season because there's still a small part of my brain that wants to drink.

A woman at the meeting said what I've been feeling.

"I just want to be a normal drinker.  I wish I could go back to the past and be a social drinker and fit in like everybody else."

This line has been stuck in my head for a couple of months.  There's a big part of me that thinks I can do this.  Be normal!  Drink socially.  Have one or two and stop.  Now, that I've had a taste of sobriety for a good length of time, I'm trying to convince myself that I can be a social, "normal" drinker.

I have developed a greater sense of awareness though.  I am very aware that alcohol is baffling, cunning and ever so powerful.  I am very aware of the demon inside of me that wants to wake up and destroy my life, my family and my health.  Awareness and mindfulness are two the most important things I've developed during my sober journey over the past year.  I'm so grateful to have found these gifts.

So, I keep going to meetings.  I need to remember why I quit drinking in the first place.  I need to remember the times that my body gave out on me because I drank too much.  The times I passed out on bathroom floors.  The times I puked in front of my children.  The times I couldn't get out of bed due to being so hungover.  I need to remember the hangovers, the sickness, the bags under my eyes, the lack of sleep, the unhealthy, unspiritual state of mind I was in, the stress in the house.

I need to be ready to face the demon that's going to want to come back into my life.  I've worked so hard at keeping it out.  I don't want it back!

I'm preparing myself for the holidays.  It's really just another day.  I look forward to my first hangover-free Christmas morning with my wonderful children.  I look forward to being present and being the love that I am.