...on 90 Days!

How I started this post.

I am ecstatic!  I'm on that pink cloud that I've heard people talk about and wondered for so long how to get there.

Longest time I've been sober, EVER!!  (well besides my years from 0-13)

What can I possibly say in this post?

How did I get to 90 days?

How did I get past the damn cravings and obsession to drink my beer and wine after long days and crazy-ass-hectic days?

How did I find such peace and freedom?

I will begin writing a page on all the things I've done to change in hopes to help someone else find this pink cloud that I've found and learn to stay on that pink cloud.  There is a great article at http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-recovery/pink-cloud/ that describes this pink cloud.  The only way to stay here is to continue putting in the work to stay sober.  It takes work!  Every... Single.... Day! 

How I ended this post (the next day)

Good grief!  I've been reading articles on "Pink Cloud Syndrome" and how depressing!! People out there are saying it's a delusion of the mind.  Seriously?  Am I just in a delusional state and not facing the realities in my life?  My life is pretty good.  I have a great career, kids, home, friends, health, newly sober friends, sisters, my dog.  I may be struggling financially, but who isn't?  I may be single and lonely at times, but I'm okay with that too?  I may have some resentments toward my ex-husband for walking all over me and not paying support, but I'm dealing with that.  

I really don't think I'm delusional.  I just think I'm enjoying life in such a different way than when I was drinking on a daily basis.  I see things differently.  I hear things differently.  I notice things that I otherwise wouldn't have noticed.  I listen more.  I am aware.  I am conscious.  

This "Pink Cloud" is an expression of peace, serenity, love, gratitude, happiness, joy and freedom.  I'm high on life!  I'm not worried about my future.  I'm not worried about my past!  Why would I?  I'm not in my past.  I'm not in my future.  I'm present.  Now.  This moment.  Every moment.  I'm living my life in love instead of living my life in fear.  I love my God.  I love me!  I spread love to others.  How can this be delusional?

I refuse to get off of my pink cloud, at least for today.  One day at a time.  I know it will take work.  Everything takes work.   My recovery will take work.  ...and I know, deep down, that if I work it....I can't go wrong.  Reading.  Spirituality.  Meditation.  Running.  Meetings.  Reaching out.  Praying.  All things I have to do.   I know that everything I need will be provided to me on a daily basis.  My God is watching over me and I'm grateful for all that I receive.

The reality is ...my feet are on the ground.  This is my reality.  My spirit soars high.

I enjoy every moment.  I accept.  I am present.

So, today, I celebrate.  90 days.  Come celebrate with me.

...on Surrendering

I'm getting ready for another AA meeting.  I love Saturday night group.  They are so so awesome.   I really think that I'm going to join this one tonight but I feel nervous to add my name to the list.

Anyhow, I've been reading my favourite book "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer and I must must write down the beginning of Chapter 10.

The prerequisite to true freedom is to decide that you do not want to suffer anymore.  You must decide that you want to enjoy your life and that there is no reason for stress, inner pain, or fear.

Isn't that beautiful?  

I truly believe that we have two choices here.  We can live in fear or in love...as I said yesterday.  Only when we decide we don't want to suffer anymore, we can live freely....happily...spiritually.  We have the power to choose!!  Surrender....

God Bless.

...on Breaking the Cycle

I'm not sure what to call this post yet and I'm not really sure what I'm going to talk about...  I'll just type and hope for the best.

I've been reading many blogs out there and I am noticing that a lot of bloggers are struggling ...big time.   They are caught in a vicious cycle of on and off drinking.....and seem lost...oh...so lost....

I've been there.

Lost.

I tried to do it on my own... more than once....even went to rehab....tried just blogging, staying sober, staying away from drinkers.  Nothing worked and I continuously found myself craving my beer and wine....so badly.....  

My head.  My ego.  They were surely in charge of my life. 

Going to AA meetings scared me.  I was always so afraid of getting involved in these groups because of the nature of my job.   Teachers aren't supposed to have a problem with alcohol or nevertheless admit to having a problem.  I'm a professional.  How embarrassing.  What if I run into a parent?   Ego.

Only when I realized that my ego was preventing me from going to regular meetings is when I came to realize that the AA program is such an amazing gift!  A blessing.  The whole program.... daily meetings, daily readings, the people, the support, the old-timers, ......such inspirations.  

Today's topic was "What lead you to AA?"  

This is what I said when it was my turn to talk.

I came to AA because I realized that I couldn't do it on my own anymore.  I couldn't break the vicious cycle of drinking, not drinking, not wanting to drink, drinking.......  I couldn't break the cycle that's been in my family for generations.  I tried so hard to do things my way.   Nothing worked because I found myself just as drunk and hungover as ever.  I was so tired.  I had insomnia which was definitely self-inflicted.  I tossed and turned every night, sipping on water, to avoid the massive hangover the next day.  I love sleep and I truly can't function without it.  Without it, I become miserable.  I get cranky, impatient, pissed off at the world.  I have no patience.  
When I was drinking, my life was chaos....  like a wild horse running rampid through the forest.  All I thought about was alcohol.  I had to make sure I had enough booze hidden in my garage from my kids.  I had to pretend to go pick up some groceries so that I could sneak off the get my 6 pack.  I had to eat junk to try and hide the smell of alcohol from my breath.  
I lived in a fog and I sure as heck wasn't living in the present moment.  I was unhealthy and physically exhausted.   My worst fear about coming to these meetings was running into someone I know.  And, yes.  It happened.  But, now that I've been coming to these meetings regularly, I truly feel the peace and serenity through your words around this room.  At every meeting, I can hear a little whisper, telling me that I'm on the right path, a little whisper reminding me why I need you people in my life, a little whisper telling me that I'm right where I'm supposed to be.  Thank you.

You see, life is about living it!  When we are drinking, we are just coasting.  We aren't feeling what we are supposed to feel.  We are numb.  We forget.  We miss the most important things in our lives.  The moments.  It's about letting go of our ego and just feel.... listen to that part of you that knows exactly what it needs and wants.  That part is in there.  Waiting for you to give it the freedom it deserves.   

We have two choices on how to live our lives on this Earth.  We can live our lives in love....or we can choose to live our lives in fear.....  There's only one or the other.  When we choose love, fear disappears.  We become love.  We give it.  We get it.  We feel it.  We breathe it.  There's no place for fear when love exist.   When we accept ourselves as the loving spirit we are, we can accomplish anything!  




 
The greatest thing I've learned is to separate my mind from who I am.  When my mind starts talking.... I turn it off...or at least I try to.  It's not always easy.  I am human after all.  But my mind is not who I am.  I am so much more than that.  I am greater than beyond belief.  





I am loving my book by Michael Singer "The Untethered Soul".  If you click on the rest of the videos, you'll get the gist of his book.   Life changing.


Jen's Morning Routine

*say...."I WANT TO BE THE LOVE THAT I AM"
*say... "I AM GRATEFUL FOR _________, ___________, AND _____________ (3 different things per day)
*say...alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful and I won't let it in my life anymore!
*say....Everything I need shall be provided today.
*Exercise
*Have coffee and enjoy every sip of it
*Read a Daily Reflection and a prayer

...on Surrendering

Prayer by Marianne Williamson

Dear God,
I cannot stop drinking.
I have tried.
I have tried so hard.
And still, Lord, I go back and do it, thought I hate myself for doing it.
I cannot stop, 
I cannot stop.
You, dear Lord, are my refuge and security and strength when I cannot go on.
Please lift me up and share Your strength with me.
Please lift from me this burden, the burden of this addiction, the pain of this self-hatred, the power of this demon within me.
I do not have the power on my own to fight this beast.
But You, dear Lord, You do.
You do.
I praise Your strength and power and love.
Please give it to me.
Please take away my desire to drink.
Please take it away, 
Please take it away.
I surrender all,
I lay myself in Your arms.
Please give me a miracle.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Amen.


Day 79
I am blessed!
Spending time in a hotel with my kids, watching people with their beer, and I'm feeling so alive and well.
Read upon some blogs this morning.  Sent this to a friend.  May help more.
God bless you who are still suffering.
Find your peace.

Oh...how I wish you'd find what you're looking for..... freedom from the booze.....it's there girl.....just in your reach.
I don't know how I made it to Day 79  but I can tell you that I get up everyday and thank God for it.  I truly believe that He took the burden of wanting to drink away from me.  When I get a small craving, I think back to that "on and off" cycle that you're stuck in.   It sucked so much....because the end result is always the same....shitty, guilty and fucked up.
I wasn't one to go to AA or believe in meetings much but let me tell ya, they are truly amazing to me now.  I'm almost addicted to them.  In that one hour a day, I have something to look forward to.  I have people to hug.  I have people that believe in me.  ...and with my words.....I'm inspiring them.  Make it your mission to get out of that place you're in so that you can help someone else do the same.  You can do it!  If you can read "The Untethered Soul" by Micheal Singer, please do.... or google him on YouTube.  I'm telling you, this man will help you see that you are not your mind.  You are so much more than that!  Once you find that inner connection with your soul and spirit, you will get what you're looking for.
I believe in you and I know you want this more than anything in the world!   You are worth it!!
I will repost my daily prayer that helped me so much in the beginning on my blog!  I will pray for you to find your recovery and peace with this effin disease!
Hugs~
Jen

Day 75

It's only by the grace of God that I've made it so far....  I've been busy lately and have been working on a post from my book study but now that I'm putting in regular AA meetings, I'm finding it tough to blog....

But I love reading your journeys once in a while when I'm taking some quiet time for myself.

I'm loving AA and am so grateful for the support of the groups.  I've made so many friends in very little time and the connections are so very meaningful and real.  The little whispers I hear in the meetings are telling me that I'm on the right path.....

Have a super, blessed day!
I may change my name to "Grateful Sober Mommy"

...on AA

I've had a crazy busy week.  I went to a few AA meetings last week and received a 60 day chip.  

But, by the end of this week....yesterday.... my mind started playing tricks on me.  I'm not gonna lie.  I've been stuck in my head and I know this.  I honestly feel like my chest has been heavy because I want to drink really badly.  I just want to release the pressure for a while.  I haven't really texted or chatted with my sponsor or anyone for that matter because I don't want anyone trying to convince me to "not" drink.

Fridays.....they really get to me.   3PM.  Long week done.  People going home to have a nice cold beer or glass of wine.  Most people.  Not me.  It actually pissed me off yesterday.  I know there's nothing stopping me and I could have easily gotten a hold of some alcohol to release the pain.  But, I chose not to.  

My sponsor asked me if I'm willing to go to any lengths to stop drinking....something we hear in AA.   "Are you willing to go to any lengths to quit drinking?"  Her words.  I said yes ... because I was confident last week that I WAS willing.  But, now that question has been lurking through my mind and it's causing me to have doubts about my answer.  Am I really willing to do anything for sobriety?   How do I do that when such a huge part of me feels like it's suffering because I can't drink?  Pray?  Try harder?  

I went to a meeting tonight....I needed to hear the stuff I heard.  I needed to get hugs and handshakes from the people I met over the last couple of weeks.  I needed to see that woman breakdown because her struggles with alcohol are too overwhelming for her.  I needed to see that 70 year old man who has over 30 years of sobriety say that he still has problems but deals with them differently.  I felt the spiritual part of people in that meeting.  I'm starting to understand the meaning of "fellowship" they always talk about.   They are just so supportive and understanding.  There are no judgements.  There is just fellowship.  People listening.  People sharing.  We are all connected in that room.

For so many years, I've been living in fear.  Actually all my life for that matter.  I don't want to be there anymore.  I'm learning to open my heart.  I'm learning to look people in the eye when I talk to them.  I'm learning to love myself and all the people that walk into my life.  I'm learning to accept circumstances and let God be in charge of my life.  I'm a work in progress.  That's for sure.

All I know is that today, right now, at this moment, my life is good.  Drinking isn't an option for me.  

...on Finding a Sponsor

I came so close to drinking Friday night. All the stress I felt was unbearable. I was living in fear for a couple hours and couldn't find my way back out. I wanted a drink like no other time before and nothing else mattered to me. I saw my mind try to convince myself that I couldn't handle "not" drinking forever so I was gonna just start again. I saw my mind say "it's the only way I'll be able to relax and calm down!" I was so convinced that drinking was going to solve my problems. I decided to go the the book store here where I live. I sat on the floor in front of Eckhart Tolle books and this book popped out at me. Practicing the Power of Now. I read. I randomly opened the book to page 41. It read "All problems are illusions of the mind. Is there a joy, ease, and lightness in what I'm doing? If there isn't, then time is covering up the present moment, and life is perceived as a burden or a struggle". 

Yep!  Just what I needed to hear.  I really didn't have a problem at that moment! I was enjoying a book on the floor in the bookstore!  I was getting ready to meet my sisters for a dinner date!  I sat in silence and just listened to the stillness in me. I came to the realization that the problems I was having were issues that I have to deal with and at that moment, there was nothing I could do about them.  I came back to the now and remembered where I want to be.  sober and present.  

This weekend has changed me in more ways than one.  First, I have to remember that the demon is always lurking.  He's always ready to come into my life again and "fix" all my problems.  He's always ready to tie me back up in those chains that were once wrapped around my wrists.  Second, I have to remember to live in the present moment.   I have to stop trying to control the outcome of everything in my life and just be.  Third, I realize that I needed a sponsor and help so that if I ever get that weak again, I'll have someone to call.

So, last night, I decided to attend my 3rd AA meeting.  I still feel uncomfortable when I enter the building because everyone seems to know each other and I never know where to sit.  I also feel so worried about running into someone that knows me.    Anyhow, I sat in my little corner at the end of the table, and I was horrified to see that one of the parents' of a student I teach was sitting right there beside me.  OMG ....did he recognize me? ...  I'm pretty sure he did.... Uncomfortable....Body Cringing Stuff....

Anyhow, the discussion went around the table....  great words were spoken.  I recognized a lady from a meeting I went to last year when I tried to quit.  I always felt connected to her.  We hugged after the meeting and chatted.   She gave me shit because I didn't call her the last time I started drinking again.  She gave me her number again and asked if I had a sponsor.  I said no..... She offered to be one for me.... I hugged her.  

I was always worried about getting a sponsor.  Big reason is.... I don't want somebody to convince me not to drink when I'm really going to want to drink.  I want to be in control....know what I mean?   In reality.... my way hasn't been working for me.   Last night, I heard the words cunning, baffling and powerful a few times.  This weekend has shown me that alcohol sure is...cunning, baffling and powerful.  It's always ready and willing to ruin my life and keep me in living in fear.  

I truly believe that the people that enter our lives are gifts from Heaven ....angels sent from up above to help guide us in our paths on this Earth....  

I'm meeting my sponsor today.... Very excited lady here on day 64 of sobriety!

The dinner date with my sisters went well.  Two of them drank.  One felt guilty and kept apologizing to me for having her wine.  It didn't bother me in the least.  

As for the parent I "ran" into at the meeting, I can only hope and pray that he remembers the traditions in AA to keep the anonymity there.