...on Breaking the Cycle

I'm not sure what to call this post yet and I'm not really sure what I'm going to talk about...  I'll just type and hope for the best.

I've been reading many blogs out there and I am noticing that a lot of bloggers are struggling ...big time.   They are caught in a vicious cycle of on and off drinking.....and seem lost...oh...so lost....

I've been there.

Lost.

I tried to do it on my own... more than once....even went to rehab....tried just blogging, staying sober, staying away from drinkers.  Nothing worked and I continuously found myself craving my beer and wine....so badly.....  

My head.  My ego.  They were surely in charge of my life. 

Going to AA meetings scared me.  I was always so afraid of getting involved in these groups because of the nature of my job.   Teachers aren't supposed to have a problem with alcohol or nevertheless admit to having a problem.  I'm a professional.  How embarrassing.  What if I run into a parent?   Ego.

Only when I realized that my ego was preventing me from going to regular meetings is when I came to realize that the AA program is such an amazing gift!  A blessing.  The whole program.... daily meetings, daily readings, the people, the support, the old-timers, ......such inspirations.  

Today's topic was "What lead you to AA?"  

This is what I said when it was my turn to talk.

I came to AA because I realized that I couldn't do it on my own anymore.  I couldn't break the vicious cycle of drinking, not drinking, not wanting to drink, drinking.......  I couldn't break the cycle that's been in my family for generations.  I tried so hard to do things my way.   Nothing worked because I found myself just as drunk and hungover as ever.  I was so tired.  I had insomnia which was definitely self-inflicted.  I tossed and turned every night, sipping on water, to avoid the massive hangover the next day.  I love sleep and I truly can't function without it.  Without it, I become miserable.  I get cranky, impatient, pissed off at the world.  I have no patience.  
When I was drinking, my life was chaos....  like a wild horse running rampid through the forest.  All I thought about was alcohol.  I had to make sure I had enough booze hidden in my garage from my kids.  I had to pretend to go pick up some groceries so that I could sneak off the get my 6 pack.  I had to eat junk to try and hide the smell of alcohol from my breath.  
I lived in a fog and I sure as heck wasn't living in the present moment.  I was unhealthy and physically exhausted.   My worst fear about coming to these meetings was running into someone I know.  And, yes.  It happened.  But, now that I've been coming to these meetings regularly, I truly feel the peace and serenity through your words around this room.  At every meeting, I can hear a little whisper, telling me that I'm on the right path, a little whisper reminding me why I need you people in my life, a little whisper telling me that I'm right where I'm supposed to be.  Thank you.

You see, life is about living it!  When we are drinking, we are just coasting.  We aren't feeling what we are supposed to feel.  We are numb.  We forget.  We miss the most important things in our lives.  The moments.  It's about letting go of our ego and just feel.... listen to that part of you that knows exactly what it needs and wants.  That part is in there.  Waiting for you to give it the freedom it deserves.   

We have two choices on how to live our lives on this Earth.  We can live our lives in love....or we can choose to live our lives in fear.....  There's only one or the other.  When we choose love, fear disappears.  We become love.  We give it.  We get it.  We feel it.  We breathe it.  There's no place for fear when love exist.   When we accept ourselves as the loving spirit we are, we can accomplish anything!  




 
The greatest thing I've learned is to separate my mind from who I am.  When my mind starts talking.... I turn it off...or at least I try to.  It's not always easy.  I am human after all.  But my mind is not who I am.  I am so much more than that.  I am greater than beyond belief.  





I am loving my book by Michael Singer "The Untethered Soul".  If you click on the rest of the videos, you'll get the gist of his book.   Life changing.


Jen's Morning Routine

*say...."I WANT TO BE THE LOVE THAT I AM"
*say... "I AM GRATEFUL FOR _________, ___________, AND _____________ (3 different things per day)
*say...alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful and I won't let it in my life anymore!
*say....Everything I need shall be provided today.
*Exercise
*Have coffee and enjoy every sip of it
*Read a Daily Reflection and a prayer