...on Finding a Sponsor

I came so close to drinking Friday night. All the stress I felt was unbearable. I was living in fear for a couple hours and couldn't find my way back out. I wanted a drink like no other time before and nothing else mattered to me. I saw my mind try to convince myself that I couldn't handle "not" drinking forever so I was gonna just start again. I saw my mind say "it's the only way I'll be able to relax and calm down!" I was so convinced that drinking was going to solve my problems. I decided to go the the book store here where I live. I sat on the floor in front of Eckhart Tolle books and this book popped out at me. Practicing the Power of Now. I read. I randomly opened the book to page 41. It read "All problems are illusions of the mind. Is there a joy, ease, and lightness in what I'm doing? If there isn't, then time is covering up the present moment, and life is perceived as a burden or a struggle". 

Yep!  Just what I needed to hear.  I really didn't have a problem at that moment! I was enjoying a book on the floor in the bookstore!  I was getting ready to meet my sisters for a dinner date!  I sat in silence and just listened to the stillness in me. I came to the realization that the problems I was having were issues that I have to deal with and at that moment, there was nothing I could do about them.  I came back to the now and remembered where I want to be.  sober and present.  

This weekend has changed me in more ways than one.  First, I have to remember that the demon is always lurking.  He's always ready to come into my life again and "fix" all my problems.  He's always ready to tie me back up in those chains that were once wrapped around my wrists.  Second, I have to remember to live in the present moment.   I have to stop trying to control the outcome of everything in my life and just be.  Third, I realize that I needed a sponsor and help so that if I ever get that weak again, I'll have someone to call.

So, last night, I decided to attend my 3rd AA meeting.  I still feel uncomfortable when I enter the building because everyone seems to know each other and I never know where to sit.  I also feel so worried about running into someone that knows me.    Anyhow, I sat in my little corner at the end of the table, and I was horrified to see that one of the parents' of a student I teach was sitting right there beside me.  OMG ....did he recognize me? ...  I'm pretty sure he did.... Uncomfortable....Body Cringing Stuff....

Anyhow, the discussion went around the table....  great words were spoken.  I recognized a lady from a meeting I went to last year when I tried to quit.  I always felt connected to her.  We hugged after the meeting and chatted.   She gave me shit because I didn't call her the last time I started drinking again.  She gave me her number again and asked if I had a sponsor.  I said no..... She offered to be one for me.... I hugged her.  

I was always worried about getting a sponsor.  Big reason is.... I don't want somebody to convince me not to drink when I'm really going to want to drink.  I want to be in control....know what I mean?   In reality.... my way hasn't been working for me.   Last night, I heard the words cunning, baffling and powerful a few times.  This weekend has shown me that alcohol sure is...cunning, baffling and powerful.  It's always ready and willing to ruin my life and keep me in living in fear.  

I truly believe that the people that enter our lives are gifts from Heaven ....angels sent from up above to help guide us in our paths on this Earth....  

I'm meeting my sponsor today.... Very excited lady here on day 64 of sobriety!

The dinner date with my sisters went well.  Two of them drank.  One felt guilty and kept apologizing to me for having her wine.  It didn't bother me in the least.  

As for the parent I "ran" into at the meeting, I can only hope and pray that he remembers the traditions in AA to keep the anonymity there.