But, by the end of this week....yesterday.... my mind started playing tricks on me. I'm not gonna lie. I've been stuck in my head and I know this. I honestly feel like my chest has been heavy because I want to drink really badly. I just want to release the pressure for a while. I haven't really texted or chatted with my sponsor or anyone for that matter because I don't want anyone trying to convince me to "not" drink.
Fridays.....they really get to me. 3PM. Long week done. People going home to have a nice cold beer or glass of wine. Most people. Not me. It actually pissed me off yesterday. I know there's nothing stopping me and I could have easily gotten a hold of some alcohol to release the pain. But, I chose not to.
My sponsor asked me if I'm willing to go to any lengths to stop drinking....something we hear in AA. "Are you willing to go to any lengths to quit drinking?" Her words. I said yes ... because I was confident last week that I WAS willing. But, now that question has been lurking through my mind and it's causing me to have doubts about my answer. Am I really willing to do anything for sobriety? How do I do that when such a huge part of me feels like it's suffering because I can't drink? Pray? Try harder?
I went to a meeting tonight....I needed to hear the stuff I heard. I needed to get hugs and handshakes from the people I met over the last couple of weeks. I needed to see that woman breakdown because her struggles with alcohol are too overwhelming for her. I needed to see that 70 year old man who has over 30 years of sobriety say that he still has problems but deals with them differently. I felt the spiritual part of people in that meeting. I'm starting to understand the meaning of "fellowship" they always talk about. They are just so supportive and understanding. There are no judgements. There is just fellowship. People listening. People sharing. We are all connected in that room.
For so many years, I've been living in fear. Actually all my life for that matter. I don't want to be there anymore. I'm learning to open my heart. I'm learning to look people in the eye when I talk to them. I'm learning to love myself and all the people that walk into my life. I'm learning to accept circumstances and let God be in charge of my life. I'm a work in progress. That's for sure.
All I know is that today, right now, at this moment, my life is good. Drinking isn't an option for me.
It's always best to go back to today. The fear lessens when we stop worrying about the future and live in the now.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice that you found a sponsor you like. She isn't there to be your police. She's just a supportive guide.
The stories at the meetings are what I like. Pure honesty.
Stick with it.life is good sober!
Anne (ainsobriety)
Anne is so right...stay in TODAY. Stop worrying about forever. No one says you can't drink forever - that's totally up to you. Just don't drink today.
ReplyDeleteAnd when those thoughts start you should go back and read your other posts, your other BLOGS. This isn't your first rodeo...you KNOW where that first drink leads...and it ain't pretty.
You're coming off that pink cloud you've been riding and it can be a rude awakening. But you're worth the effort remember?
Love and hugs and endless support,
Sherry
I am so glad that you are doing so well! I am going to try again...I think my brief return to drinking has clarified for me that I have a problem. I think I am going to try AA, and really try to commit to it.
ReplyDeleteKeep on trucking! You inspire me!