...on Living Sober (Chapter 2)

Just working on my book study on "Living Sober."  The link to the PDF file of this book is on the side bar.  You are welcome to read this book with me and comment on my posts (called on Living Sober) about the readings in the book.  I need to stay focused because I will not let my ego mind take over my soul again.

This is what I'm taking out of it....

on Chapter 2...Staying Away From The First Drink

I got a chuckle when I read this tonight.  I'll admit that I read the book more than once and tonight as I read Chapter 2, something clicked.  First, it was the fact that the last few times I read this part, I most likely wasn't present or mindful of what it was saying....  Second, I got it.

How many times have I quit drinking?  How many times have I convinced myself that I could drink in moderation?  How many times have I told myself that I could control it if I really wanted to?   I can't answer these questions for the simple fact that it's been too many times.

This chapter tells us that many of us get scared when we decide to quit drinking.  Planning to never drink again is probably one of the craziest thoughts that us alcoholics can even think of.... It's almost too difficult to even consider.....  

How the hell are we supposed to live in this world without any alcohol, forever??   Our lives are surrounded by alcohol.  Our lives are filled with anxiety and pressure from others to drink with them.  How else are we supposed to deal with the stresses of every day life?  This has always troubled me over the last many times I've tried to quit drinking.  I get it now....when they say....stay away from that first drink!   

Doctors have discovered that it is the first drink which triggers, immediately or some time later, the compulsion to drink more and more until we find ourselves going down the same path that we have been trying to avoid for so long....

I think that if we change the idea of never drinking again, which becomes an obsessive thought in our head... to.... Stay away from that FIRST drink... then things would be so much more manageable!  If I don't pick up that first drink....I can't fail....  I won't have to worry about starting the cycle over.... you know the one.... the one that got me drinking maybe one or two..... then drinking only on weekends....then drinking every night, then drinking mornings to cure the hangover..... the no sleep, the disappointed children, the bags under the eyes, the unhealthy body.....that cycle!

The fact is ....after all of my efforts of trying to take alcohol out of my life for good, I now know that I just can't drink in moderation.  Once I pick up that first drink....my life begins to spiral out of control again until the whole cycle begins and I get sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

So, tonight, I've convinced my thoughts and my ego that I'll just avoid that first drink.  If someone offers one, I will say no.  If I'm stressed, I will find something better to do.  I'll pray.  I'll meditate.  I'll sleep.  I'll eat.  

....because I am spirit

                                                       ....I am not my mind....

...on Living Sober (Chapter 1)

I'm going to do a book study on "Living Sober."  The link to the PDF file of this book is on the side bar.  You are welcome to read this book with me and comment on my posts (called on Living Sober) about the readings in the book.  I need to stay focused because I will not let my ego mind take over my soul again.

This is what I'm taking out of it....


on Chapter 1...  Using this booklet


This short book offers us ways for living alcohol-free.  Our drinking is connected to two types of habit...

thinking habits....and doing habits....

Our mind....  It works so hard at convincing us to care and worry or do so many things that mean nothing to us.  It works so hard to take over our lives...our spirit and our souls.  We must truly learn to divide the mind from the soul.  When we make a choice to get healthy....then we must stick to it.  We can't let our mind convince us otherwise just because it's so use to getting what it wants.   
We have to change our "it's 3 o'clock...I had a long day at work and need a drink " thought to "it's 3 o'clock...I had a great day at work and now I will rest my mind and body so that I don't feel like shit in the morning because I decided to drink all friggen night and hurt the people around me" thought.  Once we change the thought patterns that we use to have when we were drinking to new thought patterns that fit the new us....we begin to see change...peace....and serenity.  We let the thoughts pass because we know that the new thoughts are so much better!

Our body....we are such people of habit.  Many of us have trouble with change.  I strongly believe that drinking has been such a habit for me.  I don't even think I enjoyed it as much as I thought I did.  Oh ...don't get me wrong...  that first drink after a long day at work always brought me to that "foggy" place....the one that didn't allow me to "feel".....  but after that, I always regretted it....I slept like shit....My kids made me feel like shit....I felt exhausted....I felt lost....  
I only did major clean ups with a glass of wine.  I only cooked fancy meals with my glass of wine by my side.  I did yard work with a cold beer by my side.  I shovelled my driveway with really cold beer by my side. ...all habits!  I almost didn't believe that I could do these things without booze by my side!! But, I can....and I've been..... and it's actually been wonderful.  I almost feel like these "tasks" or "chores" are pleasant now.  I feel more organized.  I feel like I have more order in this house.  I feel amazing that I was able to break some of my old habits.  I've replaced my old habits with new, healthier ones ....drinking  a lot of ice cold water...resting... running... sleeping... meditating..... living in the moment.....

I've read and heard that it takes 21 days to break a habit or create new ones.  I'm not sure if this is true but I do know that the changes I have made in my life have become easier on me....on my mind....on my soul

We are free to chose.... We are empowered to make decisions that will bring us freedom.  

I think the greatest thing I learned in the past 45 days of sobriety is that it's okay to be quiet.  It's okay to sit on my couch and just listen to nothing....It's okay to "not" have TV or radio on... It's okay to just be still.  When I was drinking, my life was "loud"....my mind was always working....my body was suffering....I wasn't present.  Learning to feel again is the greatest gift I could have asked for.  I truly already have everything I want and need in my life.

Eckhart Tolle says in his book "The Power of Now" that true wealth is the joy of Being and the deep peace that comes with it.  If you haven't found it, you are like a beggar, looking outside for pleasure and fulfillment, validation, security and love.  Treasure is within.

...just checking in

I've been working on a post but haven't had much time to finish it.  It was a busy "sober" weekend with the kids.   

It's my birthday today.  44 years old.... and 43 days sober.....  This is my first birthday ever that I won't be drinking!!  ...except for the years before I turned 16 of course....  ;)

I'm bracing myself for a hectic dinner party that I'm hosting... at my house... for my birthday.... I won't go into why....but it is what it is.....

I think this will be my lucky year.  ....my spiritual journey is in full swing ....and I'm feeling totally blessed every single day.

Day 40!

My mind is messing with me today....

I think I miss my friends.  I've been isolated for too long and I don't have any "sober" friends besides the blogging world.    I ran into an old friend who talked and talked about her life, all the partying she's doing....drinking, going out, dating, laughing.....

And I said nothing.  Just listened. 

It was a busy day and I'm exhausted.  

Staying focused for tonight. Drinking isn't an option.

...on Mindfulness

I honestly can't believe that I'm doing this well in my sobriety so far.  I haven't really had major craving attacks or a lot of stress in my life.  Either that, or maybe I'm just dealing with everyday stressors in different ways.  I'm learning to walk away from a lot of things that I normally would get involved in...and in which would cause me anxieties or stress.  I'm learning to let my negative thoughts or emotions come through me....I feel them...I breathe....and I let them go.  I'm learning that I have no control over the outer world or the people in it.  I can only control me and my reactions to all the BS.

Since my lifestyle changes, I can't help but notice changes in my children.  They are calmer.  We've been communicating a lot, especially on being proactive versus reactive people.  Our motto is " don't judge" and " don't gossip"   It's a great start and I'm feeling more connected to them than ever!  I love it when they come to me for advice on how to deal with the BS instead of reacting to it. I love that my strength and spirit can help them grow.   

When I drank on a daily basis, I didn't pay attention to them as much as I should have.  I wanted them to play on their own.  I wanted them to keep busy. I wanted them to figure out how to solve their problems.  I wanted them to deal with the BS somehow, on their own.  I honestly didn't have the mind frame or tools they needed because I didn't even have them for me to use.....

The greatest thing I've learned about recovery is forgiveness.  I've learned to forgive the people in my past for their mistakes.  I've accepted and understand that they did their best and they only did what they knew and learned.   I hope that my changes now will help my children forgive me...and I hope that the changes now will be so amazing that they won't even remember the past 10  years.  

I still want my children to do these things (be good problem solvers, deal with BS, play, live, be happy)...

 .....the difference is that today, I can give them the tools they need to grow and live more spiritually, calmly and compassionately.

Gosh, I really wasn't gonna go on and on here.  ...  I called this post Mindfulness because on the drive home today from work, this is what I saw....  I was so happy to be present for it....

...and this is what I am able to enjoy...now....as I type.....

my sober buddy

....on Quitting Again and Again and Again.....

I found an old journal that I started in 2007.  It's a sober journal dedicated to my daughter....

I read some of it tonight and can't help but be amazed that I've been struggling with this addiction for so many years.  

A couple of times this weekend, my mind tried to tell me that I probably couldn't NOT drink for the rest of my life.    I struggled with the thoughts for a few hours.....  I let the thoughts pass....but it was tough.   Do I really want to quit drinking forever?  

After reading some more of my journal, I realize that every time I picked up again was because my mind....my thoughts.... my ego.....all magically took over my life and convinced me to do so......

I wasn't mindful back then.  I wasn't spirit.  I was just living day to day....trying to survive, trying to break free from stress, trying to figure out who I was, trying to be a great single mom.

I think I tried to quit at least 8 times from that first entry to the last one.....dated 2009.  

So...when I ask myself if I really have a drinking problem or could I handle not having a drink for the rest of my life, I kinda have to say...shit man....I do have a drinking problem and yes I can quit forever....one day at a time.

I'm done fighting with this alcoholic demon inside of me.   I'm done.  My little girl is 13 years old now.  Soon she will be facing peer pressures and booze and drugs and all the other shit we went through.  I have to show her what a strong woman looks like so that she can imitate me as she grows up.  

March 2007  Kelly's hand at 5 years old

...on Love

What better way to start the month of February than to start my posts on Love!  

I'm not gonna talk about the love we get from relationships or anything like that, because the Lord knows I'm not an expert on that....  I've been divorced for almost 5 years and barely dated all that time.   When I did go through my little dating phases, it was tough.  It was tough because I don't trust people very easily.  I kept a wall up so that nobody could come in to hurt me.  I think the biggest problem, now that I reflect on the past 5 years, was that I haven't truly loved myself.

Loving oneself isn't always an easy thing to do.  We have to really look deeply at ourselves and accept everything about us, without judgment or fear.  How do we do that when we don't like the way our eyes droop, the way the wrinkles come out more and more everyday, the way our belly flab hangs over our pants, the way our hair turns grey because we are aging......  how can we truly love ourselves when we are continuously compared or judged?  

I really think we need to start by seeing past the outer stuff..... we go deep inside our souls....  we begin by loving our inner self...the one that is empowered, fearless and mindful.

You see, I truly believe we are two .... we are each divided.  We have our ego self (our thoughts) and we have our soul self (our spirit)  

Our ego self and our thoughts are not always nice.  They dwell on negativity, on the what ifs, on the cants and don'ts.  They try to convince us that we are not capable of loving ourselves.   We drink to forget about all the "stuff" that our ego is telling us.... We drink to forget that we don't like the way we look.... We drink to stop worrying about our feelings...  our feelings of self-hatred.    We drink to numb the pain.  We drink because we don't really love ourselves.

Our soul self is inner peace.  We are all spirit.  We are all connected.  Once we become the observer of our thoughts, we become capable of letting go of the ego and the thoughts.   We become the person that loves unconditionally.   We become the person that feels, that experiences, that looks in the mirror and says "wow...you are friggen beautiful".  We become capable of loving ourselves.

I see myself differently when I look in the mirror today than when I did in December.  The thing is ...I don't remember being aware of much over the last few years....and I've never even heard of mindfulness.  Becoming sober has given me the capability of becoming aware of myself..of who I am...of my thoughts.....of what I'm capable of.....of empowering myself to becoming who I really am.   Today, I look in the mirror and see a beautiful spirit.  I talk differently.  People look at me differently.  I am calm.  I am love.  I am so grateful to have been given this gift of sobriety.

I don't listen to my thoughts anymore.  I don't let them control me.... I let them pass me by....and make decisions based on what I want and need....whether my thoughts like it or not.  If I would have listened to my mind over the last 36 days, I'd be drinking my wine right now....at this moment..... and I probably wouldn't feel as healthy, strong, beautiful and spiritual.  

Am I ready to date again?   Yikes....  Sober dating will be new to me....  I'll keep  you posted on that if....a big if....I decide to try it in the near future.

For now, I am going to keep loving who I am....unconditionally