Soberly Excited!

I must say...I'm feeling pretty darn good right now.   I've completed 10 days of sobriety and to be honest it's been nothing compared to the last umpteen times I quit.  I feel different this time....almost like I am ready....like it was all meant to fall into place for me so that this year is my year to change my life around.

I not only quit drinking, but I've changed my eating lifestyle and I started running again.  I haven't ran since April 2012, almost 2 years ago.  Way back then, I was participating in races and winning medals.  That is back on my to-do list for this year.  I'm already able to run up to 5 miles!

I'm not only working on my body, I'm working on my mind.  Reading up on mindfulness is quite an experience, especially when you apply some of the basics of it to your life.  Maybe being sober has made my mind a little more clear to see all the things I would have missed.   I love watching my kids and listening.... I sometimes just sit back and watch,....and listen.....and live in the moment.  I love watching their innocence and their smiles....  so precious.....so loving......Practicing mindfulness is a habit I could get use to.  I haven't been able to meditate yet.  I'm working on it.  Sitting quietly for a while kinda scares me.  I think too much.... but that is something I want to change too....

I've been having crazy awesome dreams.  I actually dreamt that I was drinking last night.  I was at my bachelorette party and everyone was feeding me booze...and I drank.  That wasn't the awesome dream.  I woke up.  When I fell back asleep, I dreamt of my memere.  She passed a few years ago, but the dream was so real, like I was really in her house again.  She loved to hoard things and her house was always cluttered with "stuff".   She was having a treasure hunt in her house for a special prize.  There were all kinds of people there searching for a prize and nobody knew what they were looking for.   I found a few old decorated boxed of pictures at the top of her closet and went through them, looking for the prize.  I found pictures of me as a kid....with my family....pictures of my sisters, my aunts.... I found letters that I wrote to her (which I never got to do...this was a dream...remember).  I spent a few minutes going through the boxes and an amazing sense of peace and serenity came over me..... just knowing she kept all this stuff in her closet.  We all seemed so happy.  Like a perfect family, kinda happy.

My memere had a tough life.  My pepere was an alcoholic and he was a little abusive toward her I think.   She always wanted the best for me.  I know she'd be proud and I have this great feeling that she's watching over me.  I think it's time that I write her a letter....

Day 9

I am so tired today.  Going back to work after two weeks off and one of them being a sober week is a little tough on the body.  I almost felt sick.  I wondered if people would notice or see me as a different person.  I wondered if people would ask what I did during the holidays.  It actually kept me up last night.   Do I tell my friends that I quit drinking again?  Do I just stand back and let everyone else share their stories?  I was exhausted on the way to work, just thinking about all the things I was thinking about.  Our mind really does go off on a tangent all the time, doesn't it?  

Anyhow, I survived the day.  I was quiet.  I stayed to myself mostly and listened to others tell about their drunken New Years Eve stories and more.  I was so excited to get home, slap on some PJs and watch TV. 

While I was leaving work, my friend....aka drunk buddy....stopped me and asked if I wanted to go for wings and beer........argh!!!  bleep!!!  shit!!!!!  Hell yes...I wanted to.....but I also didn't!   

I said ...well J....I quit drinking and I'm really tired today...I just want to go home.

She said...okay...well, we don't have to drink....

argh!!  bleep!!!  Shit!!!!  yeah right J....take me out for wings and lets not have beer....  Ain't gonna happen!

I just told her I really wanted to get home.  I was exhausted and it was so damn cold outside.  

I felt bad for blowing her off because we are like two peas in a pod....one asks, the other just does.  

I made it home...made a healthy dinner and am really trying to keep my eyes open at this point in time.  I want to sleep so badly but I don't want another sleepless night....so I'll stay awake until at least 10pm....maybe soak in the tub.

It's hard eh?   I don't have many friends.   I'm a single 43 year old mom.  Most of my friends are married and have their own lives.  Most of my friends drink.  I do enjoy being alone at home, but I just don't want to seclude myself from the world either.  I've been doing that for 9 days now.  I'll give myself up to 14 days ...two weeks of sobriety.  Then, I'm gonna put myself out there.  Ask people to get together to do "alcohol-free" activities.  I should have my energy levels back  by then, and I know I want that fun-loving me to step out of my skin, without the drink.  

In the meantime, I'm working on learning "mindfulness"  I read a part in a book this morning that described my mind to a T.   My mind is like a wild horse....erratic and out-of-control.  If I don't tame it soon...I will lose the damn thing.  And we don't want that to happen, now do we?  

I started my search on "mindfulness" watching this video.  It amazed me to hear this man teach me how to live more in the present moment.  I can't wait to learn more.

Day 8 Reflection

In 2008, I went to rehab.  I blamed my husband for putting me there.  I blamed him for my drinking.  Heck!  The more I drank, the less I had to listen to his bullshit.  I hit rock bottom way back then and the day I passed out at the toilet and woke up with my 3 year old sitting on me was when I got scared.  I mean, I was really worried.  I wasn't drunk though.  I was hungover....so hungover that I couldn't walk without puking my guts out.  I'm positive I had alcohol poisoning.  I knew I had a problem and wanted to fix it.  

Rehab didn't do much for me.  I really didn't fit in.  Everyone smoked and gathered outside in their little clicks.  Most of their "drug of choice" was really drugs.  Some of them went to jail and broke the law and all kinds of stories.  I was just a gal who liked her booze and sometimes overdid it.  I don't know....maybe I just wasn't really ready to quit.  

The best lesson I learned from rehab was that I had to be okay with not getting my own way sometimes.  I asked my counsellor if I could go to the store to get a case of water.  I was desperate.  She would let others go to the store for cigarettes but when I asked her she said no.  Just like that.....no!  I pleaded with her and even cried because I needed water so badly but she wouldn't let me go.  I left her room feeling deprived and mistreated. 

Who did this lady think she was...saying no to me.  I just wanted some damn bottled water.  Healthy, clean water.....  It just didn't make sense to me.  I had to drink water from the tap....gag 

I survived rehab for the rest of my stay.  I worked the steps.  I let go of some of the resentments I felt from my past.  I realized that my life was a lot better than some of the other people in there. 

When I was ready to leave, my counsellor came to me and said...do you want to know why I said you couldn't go to the store to get water.  I said...sure.  She said ...because maybe it wasn't meant for you to go to the store then.  I just smiled, hugged her, and got the hell out of there. 

I only stayed sober for about 30 days way back then.  I wasn't really ready and committed to my recovery.  I also didn't really feel like I had that big of a problem.  Part of me thought I could control my urges to drink.  Part of me thought I could drink in moderation.  Part of me didn't want to "not drink" for the rest of my life.

I think back to the comment my counsellor said...maybe it wasn't meant for you to go to the store then.... and I can see her message now.  It makes me think of times I'm stuck in traffic and my kids say...why is it taking so long?  I reply...be patient honey...maybe we aren't meant to be further ahead on our drive.  Maybe if we are in control of the situation, we won't be where God wants us to be.  We must let go of that control and really let God take over our lives sometimes.  I try to tell my kids to let things go... there are some things that are beyond our control.  We have to believe that our Higher Power is controlling things for us.  We have to live according to His will and not our own.  I've always believed in God.  I just never really took the time to listen to Him.

Daily Reflection

Recovery is hard, isn't it?  We are filled with a world of alcohol, parties, and chaos.  Everywhere you turn, there's a picture of booze or drinking people.  It's all around us.  Not only that, but how often are we faced with people that don't believe we can do this or don't understand why we are trying to recover.

People don't think I'm an alcoholic.  I'm a high-functioning type drunk.   I have a great career, manage a beautiful brick bungalow, parent three wonderful children and participate in a variety of sports, including coaching.  I pay my bills and get up everyday (hungover or not) to do what I have to do.  I am fun and I am the life of the partay!!  Why on earth would I want to quit drinking, they say?   

I love booze, especially red wine.  I love cooking and cleaning with a glass of wine close by.  It makes me feel calm, content, foggy.  It gets my mind off of all those high-functioning things that have to get done, even if it's just for a few hours.

But, lately, I feel like shit the more and more I drink.  I haven't really been getting wasted...like I use to but I do get the buzz on.  My kids get so disappointed in me when they see me with a glass of wine, especially my daughter.  She's lost all faith in me because I've told her many times that I've quit drinking now, so of course she's disappointed.  I don't sleep well, at all if I've even had up to 3 glasses of wine.  I toss and turn, waking up to pee and drinking water so that I'm not feeling hungover for work.  I hate losing sleep!  It kills me.  It makes me all puffy and cranky.  My kids always ask...why are you so tired mommy?  I say...because I didn't sleep good last night and I'm just tired.   Truth is....I'm tired because I drank some wine last night and the damn stuff kept me up!  Another reason I feel like shit is because when I do have some wine or beer, I eat.... I eat whatever is around so that the kids don't smell the booze on my breath.  I eat like shit and I've gained 20 pounds since last time I quit.  I don't like my body.  I don't like the way I feel and I sure as hell don't like the way I look.  I'm tired.  I'm also tired of the damn obsession!!  The 3 o'clock obsession that wonders if I have the alcohol I need at home to get me through the night.  The obsession of wondering if I can get out of an activity with the kids so that I can "relax" and have a drink.  The obsession of having to drop off the kids at home so that I can get to the liquor store, without them knowing.  The obsession of hiding the booze in the garage, under a bag so that they don't see it.  I'm friggen tired!

People wonder why I want to quit drinking.  Heck, without me, their parties will be booooo....rrrring!

I don't care about other people anymore.  I have to care for me.  I have to break the cycle and show my kids that we are empowered to be anything we want to be in this crazy world.  I have to believe that my higher power has helped me in the last two weeks see that things were meant to happen this way for me.  I needed to learn to be patient...  I needed to learn that I have been led and guided in some way to this day... this sober, amazing day.  Things are coming into place for me now.  I can see it.  I can see that this year, my life will be different.  

I did nothing in 2014.  Nothing but drink it away and feel sorry for myself.  Didn't run.  Didn't eat healthy.  Didn't put myself out there, to help others.  Didn't blog.   Didn't live.

I'm going to live in 2015.  I'm going to live it, meet my challenges head on, help others, eat healthy, run, love myself and stay sober.  I have to.  I want to.

And, when people ask me why I don't want to drink, I'll simply say "I'm changing the way I live this year"

Day 7

Well, I've been sober for one week straight.  I know the tough part is coming though.  I'm expecting the challenge.  I've been on holidays for two weeks which has given me the opportunity to rediscover what I want in my life.  I want to be sober for the year 2015 but how am I gonna manage?  I know I'm thinking far ahead of myself and I should be taking it one day at a time, but holy shit it's gonna be tough.  I've been alone for the last week so it's been easier.  When I get out there, and face the days ahead, people, work, kids....it's gonna bring me craziness....

I've been focusing on my health this week.  I am already able to run a 5 miler!!   I am so excited because I haven't ran a race since April 2013 ...almost 2 years!   This year, my goal is to get more running medals.  This year, my goal is to eat healthy.  This year, my goal is to help people get sober with me.  This year is my year for sobriety.

Day 6

I got the call last night at 1 am.....the one from my son who said he had a sore belly and he wanted to come home.  He was at his friend's for a sleepover and was home sick.  It felt fantastic to be able to say...I'm on my way hunny...... no worries about drinking and driving....I WAS SOBER!!

I've been thinking about giving up the wine for about two weeks now....heck, it's always at the back of my mind.  I barely drink anymore and I still find myself feeling like shit, losing sleep and gaining weight.  I would look at my face in the mirror and I could see it aging on a daily basis...so swollen....so blah.  I started praying.  I've always believed that God was watching me and guiding me on my journey of life.  Here is the prayer that I prayed everyday. 


Dear God

I cannot stop drinking.

I have tried.

I have tried so hard.

And still, Lord, I go back and do it, though I hate myself for doing it.

I cannot stop, I cannot stop.

You, dear Lord, are my refuge and security and strength when I cannot go on.

Please lift me and share Your strength with me.

Please lift me from this burden, the burden of addiction,

The pain of this self-hatred,

The power of this demon within me.

I do not have the power on my own to fight this beast.

But You, dear Lord, You do.

You do.

I praise Your strength and power and love.

Please give it to me.

Please take away my desire to drink.  

I surrender all, I lay myself in Your arms.

Please give me a miracle. 

Thank you

Thank  you

Amen

The part that got me the most about this prayer was the part about the demon within me.  In my first blog way back in 2012, a friend of mine sent me a message about this demon....  You can find it on my first blog. (http://breakingthecyclemom.blogspot.ca/.  I kept his letter on the sidebar because it meant a lot to me.  At the time.... I was just so happy that he cared enough to send me a message.  But, now that I reflect back on his message and when I compare it to the message in the prayer, it's the demon part that has helped me get sober.  He wrote:

Hey, YOU CAN do it!"
Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength."I, like many other people believe in you! B

de·mon¹

ˈdēmən/

noun

1. 1.

   an evil spirit or devil, especially one thought to possess a person or act as a tormentor in hell.

My addiction to alcohol is my demon.  I carry him with me everywhere I go. Everyday, he tormented my life... from the time I was born (through my parents), during my adolescence and throughout my adulthood and I'm done with him!  I'm done letting him take over my thoughts.  I'm done letting him take over my body.  I'm so much stronger that that bastard!   I'm not gonna let him take me down with him.  There's no way in hell that he's gonna win this battle.  

We all have our demons, I just choose not to feed mine anymore.  He will starve....and when he dies, I'll be alive again!!

I'll never forget my friend for believing in me.  

Daily Reflection

Today, my son asked me if I would drive him to his friend's house.  My immediate response was no and I explained that I just didn't feel like going out today.  It was cold outside and I just felt lazy.   

He ended up convincing me to bring him and told me he would sleep over there so that I didn't have to pick him up later in the evening.   He was so happy to go to his buddy's.  He's in the stage of loving having friends around him.  I was glad that I brought him.   I knew it made him happy.  I assured him that I would pick him up, even if he needed a ride at midnight and he was content and grateful.  

When I got back home, I did some thinking.  In the past, I wouldn't bring my kids to their friends unless it was during the day, before drinking time.  If they wanted to go out later, I would say "No....I don't feel like going out today."  I knew that bringing them to their friends would mean I'd have to pick them up and that would mean....no wine.   

I was selfish.  I made sure I didn't have to drive anywhere on most nights.  

It feels good to know that I'm able to drive anytime, anywhere now.  I don't have to immediately say no when my children want to be with their friends.  I don't have to immediately say no when my sister wants me to go to dinner.  I don't have to immediately say no when a friend needs me to help with an errand.

I feel blessed to be given this gift again....the gift of recovery.  I feel blessed to have great children who I will always love unconditionally.  I feel blessed that I have God to guide me and keep me balanced.