I need to pray this morning. I need to remember all the things I'm grateful for.... health, kids, job, sunshine, home, sobriety, my dog, friends, AA...
Stay centered. Breathe. Everything I need will be provided today.
Morning Prayer by Marianne Williamson
Dear God,
I give this day to You
May my mind stay centered on the things of spirit.
May I not be tempted to stray from love.
As I begin this day, I open to receive You.
Please enter where You already abide.
May my mind and heart be pure and true,
and may I not deviate from the things of goodness.
May I see the love and innocence in all
mankind, behind the masks we all wear and
the illusions of this worldly place.
I surrender to You my doings this day.
I ask only that they serve You and the healing
of the world.
May I bring Your love and goodness with me, to
give unto others wherever I go.
Make the person You would have me be.
Direct my footsteps, and show me what You
would have me do.
Make the world a safer, more beautiful place.
Bless all Your creatures.
Heal us all, and use me, dear Lord, that I might
know the joy of being used by You.
Amen
Don't worry. I'm not feeling self-pity right now because I'm sober and blessed and feel like my little pink cloud is just sailing along. I'm writing this post in order to help another alcoholic who is stuck in self-pity and cannot seem to take steps forward to get out of it.
I've been so worried about another AA member. She is right there. Stuck in self-pity. She's struggling. I've been there. Often. Funny thing is ... I'm just realizing where this place is....this place of feeling sorry for myself....this place of anger, resentments and fear. When I was in this place a couple of weeks ago, I had no clue I was there.... in this place.... It took me a while to believe that I had the power to get out of this place. But, I did it! I eventually came to realize that I HAD to get out of this dark place, otherwise I would have picked up that first drink and found myself in the same place I've been in... for the past umpteen years. Drunk. Sick. Tired. Unhealthy, mentally and physically.
Self-pity gave me this false sense of comfort. It obscured my views from reality. And, I know that the longer I stayed there, the shittier I felt and the more I obsessed I became with my thoughts. My thoughts and I don't mix well.. I forget that they are just thoughts. They are not me. If I listened to that voice in my head, I'd always be stuck in this dark place of self-pity and resentments. I'd always dwell in self-pity. The voices in my head are never happy. Thanks to The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, I learned that I am not my thoughts. I am the person inside of my body that sees the thoughts and feels the feelings. I am more that the thoughts. I am the spirit inside. The observer. I am the one who knows that everything she needs will be provided to her on a daily basis.
My son has been dwelling in self-pity. He's totally obsessed with the fact that I'm not rich and cannot buy him all the "stuff" he wants. All his friends have all the xBox games in the world, iPads, basketball nets and they aren't bored like him. He's angry with me. He's angry because I can't buy him "stuff". How do I make a 10 year old see that my love should be more than enough to fill his need for stuff? Yeah. I know. It's gonna be difficult. But, as I watched and listened to him this weekend, I realized that he's stuck there. Stuck in self-pity. Obsessed with this idea that we are poor. He's stuck in his little head and boy oh boy, I hope he gets out of it soon.
How do we get out of this "Self-Pity trap?"
1. Be aware of the Self-Pity trap
2. Feel the feelings
3. Accept the feelings
4. Allow them to pass through our body
5. Let the feelings go
First, I think we really have to come to a realization when we are in caught in a self-pity trap. When we want to be alone and not reach out for help, we are feeling self-pity. When we are feeling shitty or pissed off cause we don't get what we want, we are there. When we are upset because we can't drink like many "normal" drinkers out there....we need to say.... "I'm feeling sorry for myself".
Once I realize that I'm dwelling in Self-Pity, I can become aware of all the feelings that are attached to being there. If I'm pissed off, I have to figure out why. If I'm resentful, I have to figure out toward who. I'f I'm sad, I ask myself questions to what is making me sad. So, the second step is to "feel" the feelings and be aware of them.
Third thing to do once we feel the feelings is accept them. We are human after all and we just have to realize that it's ok and normal to have these millions of feelings surround us on a daily basis. It's uncomfortable for us alcoholics because we are not use to dealing with feelings. We are use to drinking and numbing them. We are use to hiding and forgetting about all the things going on in our lives.....even if it's just for a little while. It was easier then, wasn't it....you know ... when we could drink to forget about all the bullshit? Hell ya! It was easier to have a good buzz on and forget about all the shit, even if it was just for a little while. We have to be okay with being uncomfortable. Life isn't always going to be "perfect". We accept the feelings. We are aware of them. We let them pass through our body, our vessel.
Then, we let go..... We breathe, become aware of the feeling, "feel it" go through the body and let it go. Surrender.
We are really powerful human beings. We have been given so many gifts. We have the power to change our thoughts. We have the power to "not" pick up a drink. We have the power to be sober and healthy and free!!! We have the choice to get up in the morning and live a life full of happiness, love and joy! We have a choice to live in love or live in fear.
Find your power. Spread love.
When drinking, I live in spiritual, emotional, and physical confinement.
When I first got sober, someone asked "Are you willing to go to any lengths for your sobriety?" I said yes at the time, but part of me brushed off that questions, thinking..."okay, lady. Don't exaggerate". I don't think I understood the deepness of the question.
Today, I am happy to say that I truly understand this question. Would I go to any lengths to stay sober? Hell yes! I'm definitely making it a priority in my life, that's for sure! Why? Because I'm discovering who I am! And I'm loving it!
Because I am willing to go to any lengths to get sober, I am finding a new sense of freedom. I am willing to go to meetings. I am willing to reach out. I was willing to get a sponsor who is on my ass. I am willing to surrender. I will not pick up that first drink. I am willing and ready to "feel" the feelings that come upon me on a daily basis.
Willingness comes from somewhere deep inside. It usually requires a lot of work and energy but the benefits of being willing to go to any lengths are amazing! But it does require work, every single day. It begins when I first open my eyes in the morning. It begins with remembering the amazing freedom, love and hope that I've surrounded myself with ....
My willingness to stay free from this demon and not feed it anymore has given me so much spirituality, strength and so much more love than I have ever imagined possible. I am slowly seeing my body, soul and mind become healthy for the first time in my life.
I am truly blessed.
If I don't surrender on a daily basis, I live a turmoiled, gotta be my way or the highway life...which doesn't work for me....which actually led me to my drinking days.
We all want to be in control of everything. We all want it and we can't deny it. When things don't go our way, what happens? Fear, anger and resentments set in. We lose our serenity and our spirit becomes ill. I felt this in the past few days. Ill. Like, what the heck is wrong with me and I want my pink cloud back ill! I'm a work in progress.
By surrendering to God (my Higher Power) every morning, I am able to look at my life in a different lens. I become more grateful for everything in my life. I become more aware of my surroundings and the people that I encounter. I learn to accept things as they come. I am more peaceful. ..... and I have to let go and believe that everything in my life is happening for a reason and I am right where I am supposed to be.
Accept. Let Go. Every day.
AA meeting last night...amazing. There is so much power in going to AA meetings. So much spirit. What a gift I have been given.
Reflection of the Day (taken from the Daily Reflections for AA members)
Today, I am no longer a slave to alcohol, yet in so many ways, enslavement still threatens - my self, my desires, and even my dreams. Yet without dreams, I cannot exist; without dreams, there is nothing to keep me moving forward.
I must look inside my self, to free myself. I must call upon God's power to face the person I've feared the most. The true me. The person God created me to be. Unless I can or until I do, I will always be running and never be truly free. I ask God daily to show me such a freedom.
I surrender.
I wanted to drink last night. I wanted it bad. So bad, that my heart and chest hurt. I literally heard my mind talking to me, convincing me that there was no way in hell I can do this shit anymore.
What triggered it? No clue. Nice weather? Drinking friends? Miss chaos? Need to numb? Still pissed off at my ex and can't get over it? No clue.
I kept myself busy. Ate. Napped. Rested. Although I didn't drink, part of my mind doesn't think I can do this anymore.
For the first 100 days of my sobriety, I felt lifted. I felt that God lifted the burden of wanting the drink. But, lately....I'm just not feeling it. I've been forgetting prayer. I'm forgetting to ask God for help on a daily basis. Maybe, that's missing too...
My AA friend, who is like a brother to me gave me a call at 7ish last night, asking if I wanted to go to a meeting. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay in bed and feel sorry for myself actually. He knew something was up and asked what was going on. I was honest. I told him were my head was.
He just said.... "Hang tight. I'll be right there to pick you up"
I know. God sent this guy along my path for a reason.
Part of me keeps trying to convince myself that I'm not "really" an alcoholic. I'm not a "bad" drunk. But, feeling my struggles last night and wanting the drink that bad must mean something. Don't we only crave what we are addicted to?
My friend told me that the demons were talking to me last night. This sentence helped remind me so much of where I was last year. I've always believed that the alcoholic demons wanted to take over my life....keep me in a fog... But, I also believe that I'm so much more powerful than them....to never let that happen again!
The meeting was exactly what I needed. I broke down for the first time since I got sober while I was speaking. I was suffering. I had to release and I did. Some of the oldtimers said it gave them strength to see my struggles. Not sure what it means yet but if my struggles are helping them, good.
I woke up in prayer this morning. I need it. I won't drink today. Just for today. One day at a time.
Today, I am so powerful. My newfound sense of freedom has empowered me beyond words. I've learned that I have a freedom to make choices. I can make good choices. I can make choices to feed my body with love. I can make choices to accept all outer circumstances of my being. I can let go of things that make me uncomfortable.
Choices. I've always had them. I've always know them. But with the booze, my mind was foggy and the choices I made were not healthy. I wasn't present to even have the courage to make the choices that were good for my soul.
I went to a meeting last night. I gotta admit. It was awesome! One oldtimer came to me and said " God I love seeing you. You're always so happy and smiling. Are you living in love lately?" And.... this was so very powerful.
I've mentioned this in a post before and I've said it around the tables at AA. His words made me realize that I do have an impact on peoples lives.
We really have two choices on how to live our lives on a daily basis. We can choose to live our lives in fear or we can choose to live our lives in love. Everyday, I wake up and I make a choice. I choose to live my life in love! I choose to feed my body with love. I choose to love myself unconditionally. I choose to be around loving people. I choose to be loving toward the people in my life. I choose love. It's an amazing feeling.
When fear tries to set in, I realize that it's normal. I "feel" it. I accept it. I let it go.
Takes practice. Love. The only way to true happiness and freedom.
Celebrating 100 days of sobriety today!! First time ever!!! Woot Woot!!
Not gonna lie. Been having some troubles over the past couple of days. Been doing way too much thinking for my own good.
I finally got to a meeting (haven't been since Tuesday) and realized tonight how important they are to me now. They almost "rejuvenate" me.
I'm feeling stressed. It could be the beautiful spring weather. Ya know...warm weather & cold beer...kinda goes together.
I'm realizing what some of my triggers are..... kids, spending money, not running, eating shitty, weekends...... and I'm learning to deal with my "feelings" as they come to me. Becoming more aware and mindful has helped me in this area.
I love being in this state of awareness. I love that I'm able to "feel" the feelings. It takes time and practice to be okay with all this stuff. All my life I lived in a fog, not feeling anything or avoiding feeling anything at all costs. I was numb. I use to drink to forget about them all....now I just have to "feel" them and accept them as they come .... Practice. Patience.
I'm struggling because there's a new me in town. A quiet, reserved one. A new me that enjoys living in the moment. A new me that is aware, conscious and mindful. One that listens instead of talks so much. One that is calmer. One that is grateful. One that breathes. One that feels.
I went to my sister's house tonight and she kept asking me if I was okay. I was definitely okay but I was quieter than usual. Something that not many people are use to. I was enjoying myself, chatting with kids, chatting with her. I was calm. I told her I was in a happy place and she just said...."well we aren't use to that."
No shit!
I'm not use to that! Made me wonder if I could get use to that. Made me question all my efforts of getting sober. Is this new me the real me? Is the loud, chaotic, crazy, funny one the real me? Who is the "real" me? There are two of me for God sakes!
I'm not gonna lie. I'm struggling with the fact that I miss the "drunk" me. I miss the numbness sometimes. I miss the chaos too. Crazy eh!? Part of alcoholic thinking? Definitely!! I learned that in my meeting last night....we are addicted to our old ways of thinking, our old ways of behaving. We must learn to live a new way of life. I am definitely ready to say goodbye to those old ways of thinking because it did nothing but cause me pain and unhappiness. I was trapped living in a life that wasn't mine.
I love my new quieter self, but I do miss the loud, confident, crazy one at times. She's been a part of my life for so long. I will probably always miss her. Its time for me to face the reality of my life. I'm an alcoholic. My mind becomes obsessed with alcohol. I get sick. I don't sleep. I don't feel. I became miserable.
I truly believe that alcohol helped me create another "me". One that was fearless. One that was numb. One that was oblivious to the world around her. One that had a great big wall built around her, in order to protect her from pain. When most of your life revolves around the booze, I guess it takes time to discover the new person deep within that is able to live without the booze. She's in there. She's in all of us. We just have to take the time to find her, open the doors and let her out from behind the walls she's created.
I like this new me. The one that has been sober for 99 friggen days! The one that is conscious of the world around her. The one that is aware of all the feelings that come on a daily basis. This new me revolves around peace and serenity, quiet and calm. I like her. A lot. Just takes some getting use to .....
