...on the New Me

Not gonna lie.  Been having some troubles over the past couple of days.  Been doing way too much thinking for my own good.

I finally got to a meeting (haven't been since Tuesday)  and realized tonight how important they are to me now.  They almost "rejuvenate" me.

I'm feeling stressed.  It could be the beautiful spring weather.  Ya know...warm weather & cold beer...kinda goes together.

I'm realizing what some of my triggers are.....  kids, spending money, not running, eating shitty, weekends......  and I'm learning to deal with my "feelings" as they come to me.  Becoming more aware and mindful has helped me in this area.  

I love being in this state of awareness.  I love that I'm able to "feel" the feelings.  It takes time and practice to be okay with all this stuff.  All my life I lived in a fog, not feeling anything or avoiding feeling anything at all costs.  I was numb.  I use to drink to forget about them all....now I just have to "feel" them and accept them as they come ....  Practice.  Patience.

I'm struggling because there's a new me in town.  A quiet, reserved one.  A new me that enjoys living in the moment.  A new me that is aware, conscious and mindful.  One that listens instead of talks so much.   One that is calmer.  One that is grateful.  One that breathes.  One that feels.

I went to my sister's house tonight and she kept asking me if I was okay.  I was definitely okay but I was quieter than usual.  Something that not many people are use to.  I was enjoying myself, chatting with kids, chatting with her.  I was calm.  I told her I was in a happy place and she just said...."well we aren't use to that."

No shit!

I'm not use to that!  Made me wonder if I could get use to that.  Made me question all my efforts of getting sober.  Is this new me the real me?  Is the loud, chaotic, crazy, funny one the real me?  Who is the "real" me?  There are two of me for God sakes!  

I'm not gonna lie.  I'm struggling with the fact that I miss the "drunk" me.  I miss the numbness sometimes.  I miss the chaos too.  Crazy eh!?  Part of alcoholic thinking?  Definitely!!  I learned that in my meeting last night....we are addicted to our old ways of thinking, our old ways of behaving.  We must learn to live a new way of life.  I am definitely ready to say goodbye to those old ways of thinking because it did nothing but cause me pain and unhappiness.  I was trapped living in a life that wasn't mine.  

I love my new quieter self, but I do miss the loud, confident, crazy one at times.   She's been a part of my life for so long.  I will probably always miss her.   Its time for me to face the reality of my life.  I'm an alcoholic.  My mind becomes obsessed with alcohol.  I get sick.  I don't sleep.  I don't feel.  I became miserable.

I truly believe that alcohol helped me create another "me".  One that was fearless.  One that was numb.  One that was oblivious to the world around her.  One that had a great big wall built around her, in order to protect her from pain.  When most of your life revolves around the booze, I guess it takes time to discover the new person deep within that is able to live without the booze.   She's in there.  She's in all of us.  We just have to take the time to find her, open the doors and let her out from behind the walls she's created.

I like this new me.  The one that has been sober for 99 friggen days!   The one that is conscious of the world around her.  The one that is aware of all the feelings that come on a daily basis.  This new me revolves around peace and serenity, quiet and calm.  I like her.  A lot.  Just takes some getting use to .....